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"Alan Partridge Quotes"

It's a goldmine of offensive one liners, and superb dry humour. Let's have your favourite Alan quotes.

( waiting for Roger Moore to turn up on his show, half way through interviewing a lady showjumper )

I'm going to have to stop you a moment....ladies and gentlemen, wev'e just heard Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout.

"My driving license is clean, yours is diiiiiirty"

"Ah reckon I coulda been a dolphin y'know"
"Dolphins are actually quite intelligent Michael. And you'd have to speak in a series of small clicks"
"Ah can do the noise, listen... wooooohh"
"Michael, that was a homosexual"

The classic -

"I'm Alan Partridge!"

Michael : "Yeah, we could steal a traffic cone, and I could hold it up like this .... and shout "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!!"

"There's been some more prank calls"
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Like this one"
"Mr B Oddie...that's Bill Oddie from the BBC! Why is that a prank call?"
"Body?"
"What's rude about a body?"
"...T!ts?"

"You end every chapter with 'Needless to say, I had the last laugh'"
"Yes well, you could end every chapter with... 'needles to say... I... I... I took... drugs'"

"This guy, he got the lab assistant pregnant - He never sees the kid. *quietly* back of the net..."

"The time is coming up to 11:30 and... Oh, sorry, it's your show"

"That was textbook"

"This is going terribly, oh, I'm going to kill myself. Here's a shotgun, I can't get my foot on the trigger... Ah, there we go"

"Do you want a sausage as a spoon?"

Michael: "It says on me badge, "Michael, I'm here to help".
Alan: "It doesn't say the last bit".
Michael:"Oh".
Alan:"Why did you think it did?".
Michael:"I must've dreamt it".

Alan: "We took our tops of and had a cuddle. Then we had onions and mince. "
Michael: "Ay, I did better than that. I had full sex with a women."

Youv'e never been on this is your life have you Alan....Oh that's right,we only do celebrities don't we.

"we used to have two armchairs, but the other one .... burnt down"

Kilgore Trout wrote:
> Alright Trev, how're ya doin?
>
> No-one's mentioned the classic:
>
> "Dan... Dan... Dan... Dan..." used gleefully across the
> country by any office with a staff member called Dan in it (like wot
> we have here)!

Dan's such a lovely name isn't it? kinda like mine...Dan.