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"Alan Partridge Quotes"

It's a goldmine of offensive one liners, and superb dry humour. Let's have your favourite Alan quotes.

can somebody find out if Dr Hook was a fully trained GP

"ALAN!"
"uhhh wuh I'm Confused! ..... how long have we been drinking?"
"About 45 minutes"
"urgh, I think I'm going to go upstairs to my room, and lean on the sink .... and have a bit of ..... sick"
"But Alan, that's the Kitchens!"
"Yeah, I'm going to .... cook all the food"
"But this is a hotel!"
"3 STAR !!!"

Alan praises Sonja for a fun time in the caravan:

"That was classic intercourse!"

*---*

When Michael's mate recorded over Bond with America's strongest man:
"Well now you've got Norfolk's Angriest man!"

*------*

"You could talk the hind legs off a donkey - though your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the rubbish you put in their food."

Unbeliever wrote:
> "So, Alan Parsons of TV Quick magazine, put your words on a
> plate, add a bit of humble pie and EAT THEM!"

Yeah, sorry. It was "Philip Parsons" not "Alan"

"What, and the other jockeys are all adults as well?"
"Well...yes"
"That's freaky, I thought you were about 14"

"I ask you, is this show moribund?"

Audience: "No!"

"There you go Phillip Parsons, that proves that you are wrong."

"So, Alan Parsons of TV Quick magazine, put your words on a plate, add a bit of humble pie and EAT THEM!"

"I love you Alan"
"Thanks a lot"

"Yes! It's an extender!"

"what's that .... solid brass egg holder ... will that come with the house? ... I mean, it's not a deal breaker, but I would like to know"


"What's this little sink here?"
"That's a drainer"
"yeah ..... get rid of it"