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"Alan Partridge Quotes"

It's a goldmine of offensive one liners, and superb dry humour. Let's have your favourite Alan quotes.

(Alan on PA system at carnival)

"Over there we have a couple of horses .... the height of horses is still measured in hands ... an old unit of measurement spanning back to medieval times ..... they didn't have tape measures back then. Indeed, anyone being able to to unfurl 5 metres of sheet steel from a hand sized box would have been branded a witch .... distressing to think that girls as young as the one over there holding balloons ... would have been burned at the stake"

"I wouldn't eat your tomatos if they came up to me and said 'eat me'. Which isn't that unlikely considering the rubbish you feed them"

---

"I bet I've got more friends than you've got cows"

"This is stupid"

"How many cows do you have?"

"I have 100 cows"

"Well I have 104 friends"

---

"You feed beefburgers to swans"

"Perhaps you could tell me what's wrong with feeding beefburgers to swans?"

"uhh.."

"You see the beefburgers are full of fat which fills them up and makes them float better"

"uh..really!?"

"No you absolute cretin!"

(alan on the phone)

"yes I'm ringing about two auxillary speakers for my bang and olufsen stereo system, apro po' achieving surround sound ............. apro po'!, it's latin ........ well .... you ought to have a basic grasp of latin if you're working at currys"

"You have big sheds that nobody's allowed in, and inside these sheds are 20ft high chickens. And these chickens are scared, they don't know why they're so big! They're all going "Urrr, why am I so massive?'"

heh, the thread lives again, nice one. Ok :

Alan :"Lynn, if I choose to have air conditioning on my Rover 200, can I still afford to pay your salary?"

Lynn :"No ....... but perhaps if you continue to employ me, I could cool you down with a hand fan"

Alan :"Congratualations, Lynn, You've just re-negotiated your contract ..."

"eight thousand"
"nine thousand"
"te"
"te"
"tell you what"
"tell you what"
"it's nine and a half thousand pound"

alan sings this instead of giving lyn a raise to ten thousand

[on a boat]
"Ahh, try pedestrianising this"

"Alright Alan, hold that pose"


[Farmer calls out form bank]
"PARTRIDGE YOU W**KER!"

"dunno what he had for breakfast, possibly an infected spinal column in a bap"

"Lynn's a great PA, although she's a lot like burt reynolds .... , very reliable, but ..... she's got a moustache"

"you farmers - you don't like outsiders do you? you like to stick to your own.."
"Don't be so ridiculous"
"I've seen the big eared boys on farms"