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Am I special? Am I different? If I died today would anyone remember me?
No
Is there anyway I can be special, Is there any achievement I can make that would make me feel that I was worthy enough to go out among people with pride and confidence. At this point I have to say no. I don't think that my life will ever amount top anything that will make me proud of myself.
I'm very up and down. I'm so amazingly happy one minute, and then I find myself on the floor crying the next. I'm finding it hard to express exactly what I'm feeling today. But I need to get this off my chest and for people to read it.
I want to be amazing. I want to make a difference. I want for the world to grieve for me when I die. I want attebtion. I want love. I want friendship. I really want friendship, and someone to talk to, someone who understands and won't judge me. But I can't reach out to the people I know. Its not the way I am. So I sit here and tella bunch of anonymous readers my deepest feelings.
How sad is that?
No
Is there anyway I can be special, Is there any achievement I can make that would make me feel that I was worthy enough to go out among people with pride and confidence. At this point I have to say no. I don't think that my life will ever amount top anything that will make me proud of myself.
I'm very up and down. I'm so amazingly happy one minute, and then I find myself on the floor crying the next. I'm finding it hard to express exactly what I'm feeling today. But I need to get this off my chest and for people to read it.
I want to be amazing. I want to make a difference. I want for the world to grieve for me when I die. I want attebtion. I want love. I want friendship. I really want friendship, and someone to talk to, someone who understands and won't judge me. But I can't reach out to the people I know. Its not the way I am. So I sit here and tella bunch of anonymous readers my deepest feelings.
How sad is that?
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My life is fine. I have a small job which i enjoy, I have the writing talent to make it as a journalist one of these days and I have a girlfriend well into a fashion designing career to mooch off of.
Life is good..
Life is good..
Just to chuck my two cents into the arena:
Do you seek to be special because you think it'll make you happy?
Or is it more of a direct priority?
Or a bit of both?
Do you seek to be special because you think it'll make you happy?
Or is it more of a direct priority?
Or a bit of both?
In all seriousness (hey, I can do that y'know), I think you're evaluating your life.
I think it's good that you're doing it now as opposed to when your 50 and it's too late.
Things seem crap, you feel lost and unhappy.
The hardest thing to do is to have the courage to actively change that, if that's the decision you make.
I used to be introverted, silent around strangers, shy to the point of wanting to be invisible.
And I went through what you are, and came out the other side as Goatboy.
Ok, so I exaggerate it here for comedy effect, but I'm just as outgoing, moronic and puppy-dog eager in life as well.
It's whether you want to change that's the hardest part, and sticking to it.
I think it's good that you're doing it now as opposed to when your 50 and it's too late.
Things seem crap, you feel lost and unhappy.
The hardest thing to do is to have the courage to actively change that, if that's the decision you make.
I used to be introverted, silent around strangers, shy to the point of wanting to be invisible.
And I went through what you are, and came out the other side as Goatboy.
Ok, so I exaggerate it here for comedy effect, but I'm just as outgoing, moronic and puppy-dog eager in life as well.
It's whether you want to change that's the hardest part, and sticking to it.
Ros, perhaps you should stop thinking that you've lost yourself and think more along the lines that you haven't yet built yourself.
What I mean is that no-one has a set 'self' that they have to stick to. Some call it creating a mask for yourself, some re-inventing yourself, but you are more than just the sum of your parts.
YOU - yes you - can be anything, re-invention is part of the process of life and hardly anybody is the same person as they were 10 years ago. Life experience, relationships, new ideals, all these things change you and if you can control this, they may make you stronger too.
It seems that, despite thinking about whether anyone will remember you when you die, you are looking at the short term, at this moment in time. Everything changes and you will too.
And my own personal feeling is that relationships should be built on trust and honesty, you should be honest, but in the end it is your decision.
What I mean is that no-one has a set 'self' that they have to stick to. Some call it creating a mask for yourself, some re-inventing yourself, but you are more than just the sum of your parts.
YOU - yes you - can be anything, re-invention is part of the process of life and hardly anybody is the same person as they were 10 years ago. Life experience, relationships, new ideals, all these things change you and if you can control this, they may make you stronger too.
It seems that, despite thinking about whether anyone will remember you when you die, you are looking at the short term, at this moment in time. Everything changes and you will too.
And my own personal feeling is that relationships should be built on trust and honesty, you should be honest, but in the end it is your decision.
I know what you mean.
I tell things on here. But I also (very luckily) have some friends who I can tell everything too. It rules. But then again I don't consider ymself properly 'depressed' or anything like that. I always hope for something more. Whether I work for it or not is a different matter, but I always hope.
I'm sure you don't care, but its just that I think I know what you mean about that feeling - happy, then sad, for inexplicable reasons.
I tell things on here. But I also (very luckily) have some friends who I can tell everything too. It rules. But then again I don't consider ymself properly 'depressed' or anything like that. I always hope for something more. Whether I work for it or not is a different matter, but I always hope.
I'm sure you don't care, but its just that I think I know what you mean about that feeling - happy, then sad, for inexplicable reasons.
Last word on the 'serious' advice; this is an article I wrote for a mental health support group. Hope it's of some use.
I have experienced depression since I was a teenager. Note that I do not say I have suffered from it. I would say that the feature that defines my depression is dissatisfaction with the way the world is, and with myself. Therefore I constantly strive to improve myself. I know that I could be a better person by my own moral standards, but I am handicapped by the sinking feeling that there will always be so much more to do. Even writing this is a struggle for me, because it will fail to live up to the image I had of this article before I started writing it and because of that, no one will like it. That, in essence, is depression.
Now that I have put it into words, my definition can be analysed. Are depressed people striving for unattainable perfection, or are we spoilt children who are unhappy that we cannot have our way? One can see examples of either, be it in the creativity of Spike Milligan, or the petulance of Stan Collymore.
I would say that there is a little of both definitions in me. For example, I can be annoyed beyond words when I cannot do something I want to due to circumstance. In that respect, I am no different from the 11-year-old flying into a rage because he cannot go out to play until he has tidied his room. But my peer group also regards me as witty, funny and erudite (although candour compels me to admit that I am also regarded as a first class bullsh!tter who will never use one word when about 70 can be used instead…)
Indeed, one can see that all of the negative aspects of depression come from that which is beyond our control. I remember that my mother used to scold me whenever I did not finish my meal with the rebuke that; “There’s many a starving child in Africa would give their right arm for what you’ve just thrown away.”
Which is of course true, but as we were not starving in Africa, and were in fact an affluent middle class family living in the suburbs, I felt I was entitled to something more than boiled mince with half cooked potatoes.
But that did trouble me (I toyed with the idea of having my waste food delivered by air mail to Ethiopia, but decided against it on the grounds that no one should have to rely on my mothers cooking for sustenance) and if I am honest it troubles me still. It has been rightly said that the news is the most depressing thing on TV, and I am always wracked with guilt when I see the latest report of war, famine, or disaster. Why is that so? I am just white middle class liberal man with a useful line in withering sarcasm. What can I hope to achieve that would make a difference?
From this, come the positive aspects of depression. I have said I strive to improve myself. I also try to improve the world around me in my own small way. I give regularly to charity not out of guilt, but out of genuine (albeit perhaps naïve) belief that it will make a difference somewhere. I will always help out anyone in need, be he or she friend, acquaintance, or friend of a friend, with whatever skills I have at my disposal (ahh, smug mode again!) Even my first career choice, that of a solicitor, was made with the intention of helping improve peoples lives (no, really). And just for the record, yes I was hopelessly misguided, not to say stupid, in that choice. I am no longer a member of the legal profession. Please feel free to applaud.
I have heard people compare depression to cancer in terms of the dreadful impact it can have on someone’s life. Whilst I wouldn’t go quite that far, if ignored or pushed aside then it can well up until simply getting through the day becomes a challenge. This poor girl didn’t address her depression, either through her own choice or because our health system was inadequate. To be honest, I suspect that it was a mix of the two. I would say that this sad incident highlights the need for better support and understanding of depression and it’s effects (mind you, I would say that wouldn’t I…)
In my experience, the natural reaction to someone who has depression is to recoil as if it may be contagious or some sort of dangerous mental illness. Well, I suppose it can be if the miserable sod just sits around and whinges all of the time. And the only time I’m particularly dangerous is when I make a laughable attempt at DIY in the house. But for the most part we’re perfectly normal people getting on with our lives.
To sum up, there has been an awful lot of nonsense written and said about the causes of depression. The blame has fallen on everything from lifestyle and diet through to Lad Mags (the only depressing thing about them from my point of view is that the women actually wear their bikinis.) I would contend that there is no need for blame. Depression (mine at least) is a natural side effect of trying to better oneself, and I for one am content to live with it if that is the case.
I have experienced depression since I was a teenager. Note that I do not say I have suffered from it. I would say that the feature that defines my depression is dissatisfaction with the way the world is, and with myself. Therefore I constantly strive to improve myself. I know that I could be a better person by my own moral standards, but I am handicapped by the sinking feeling that there will always be so much more to do. Even writing this is a struggle for me, because it will fail to live up to the image I had of this article before I started writing it and because of that, no one will like it. That, in essence, is depression.
Now that I have put it into words, my definition can be analysed. Are depressed people striving for unattainable perfection, or are we spoilt children who are unhappy that we cannot have our way? One can see examples of either, be it in the creativity of Spike Milligan, or the petulance of Stan Collymore.
I would say that there is a little of both definitions in me. For example, I can be annoyed beyond words when I cannot do something I want to due to circumstance. In that respect, I am no different from the 11-year-old flying into a rage because he cannot go out to play until he has tidied his room. But my peer group also regards me as witty, funny and erudite (although candour compels me to admit that I am also regarded as a first class bullsh!tter who will never use one word when about 70 can be used instead…)
Indeed, one can see that all of the negative aspects of depression come from that which is beyond our control. I remember that my mother used to scold me whenever I did not finish my meal with the rebuke that; “There’s many a starving child in Africa would give their right arm for what you’ve just thrown away.”
Which is of course true, but as we were not starving in Africa, and were in fact an affluent middle class family living in the suburbs, I felt I was entitled to something more than boiled mince with half cooked potatoes.
But that did trouble me (I toyed with the idea of having my waste food delivered by air mail to Ethiopia, but decided against it on the grounds that no one should have to rely on my mothers cooking for sustenance) and if I am honest it troubles me still. It has been rightly said that the news is the most depressing thing on TV, and I am always wracked with guilt when I see the latest report of war, famine, or disaster. Why is that so? I am just white middle class liberal man with a useful line in withering sarcasm. What can I hope to achieve that would make a difference?
From this, come the positive aspects of depression. I have said I strive to improve myself. I also try to improve the world around me in my own small way. I give regularly to charity not out of guilt, but out of genuine (albeit perhaps naïve) belief that it will make a difference somewhere. I will always help out anyone in need, be he or she friend, acquaintance, or friend of a friend, with whatever skills I have at my disposal (ahh, smug mode again!) Even my first career choice, that of a solicitor, was made with the intention of helping improve peoples lives (no, really). And just for the record, yes I was hopelessly misguided, not to say stupid, in that choice. I am no longer a member of the legal profession. Please feel free to applaud.
I have heard people compare depression to cancer in terms of the dreadful impact it can have on someone’s life. Whilst I wouldn’t go quite that far, if ignored or pushed aside then it can well up until simply getting through the day becomes a challenge. This poor girl didn’t address her depression, either through her own choice or because our health system was inadequate. To be honest, I suspect that it was a mix of the two. I would say that this sad incident highlights the need for better support and understanding of depression and it’s effects (mind you, I would say that wouldn’t I…)
In my experience, the natural reaction to someone who has depression is to recoil as if it may be contagious or some sort of dangerous mental illness. Well, I suppose it can be if the miserable sod just sits around and whinges all of the time. And the only time I’m particularly dangerous is when I make a laughable attempt at DIY in the house. But for the most part we’re perfectly normal people getting on with our lives.
To sum up, there has been an awful lot of nonsense written and said about the causes of depression. The blame has fallen on everything from lifestyle and diet through to Lad Mags (the only depressing thing about them from my point of view is that the women actually wear their bikinis.) I would contend that there is no need for blame. Depression (mine at least) is a natural side effect of trying to better oneself, and I for one am content to live with it if that is the case.
*stands with hands on hips, throws head back and laughs*
I'm very annoying, but it's that devilish side that means however much you despise and wish injury upon me, there is a small part residing waaaay down in the brain that thinks "I bet it would be good..."
Now I'm off to listen to Clutch and smoke.
I'm very annoying, but it's that devilish side that means however much you despise and wish injury upon me, there is a small part residing waaaay down in the brain that thinks "I bet it would be good..."
Now I'm off to listen to Clutch and smoke.
Rosalind wrote:
> me jane
Heh. Well, having read through GB's "Am I a bad man" thread, you'd best hurry before friction burns rule his genitals out of action for the next few weeks.
> me jane
Heh. Well, having read through GB's "Am I a bad man" thread, you'd best hurry before friction burns rule his genitals out of action for the next few weeks.
theres nothing worse than moping over your own problems, and i can see were your coming from (posting it in the forums) because then you get support from us. but afterall we are just on the internet and dont know your true person.
me jane
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