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Whats wrong with me?
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
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Goatboy wrote:
> That so? Well if you cared even 1 iota then you'd try and not be like
> that.
I'm not trying to have a go at you and I'm certainly not in a position to comment on your situation, but depression, clinical depression, isn't really like that. It's a sadness that you can't just snap out of. I suffered from depression for 18 months and I'm only just coming out of it now. It certainly wasn't easy for those around me, but I'll always be grateful to those who put up with my s### and persuaded me to get medical help.
And that's all I'd say to you, Rosalind - don't hesitate to go to your GP, and tell people how you feel. It took me months and months before I could speak honestly about my condition, but once I did I was amazed at how understanding people were and how many people had had similar experiences.
> That so? Well if you cared even 1 iota then you'd try and not be like
> that.
I'm not trying to have a go at you and I'm certainly not in a position to comment on your situation, but depression, clinical depression, isn't really like that. It's a sadness that you can't just snap out of. I suffered from depression for 18 months and I'm only just coming out of it now. It certainly wasn't easy for those around me, but I'll always be grateful to those who put up with my s### and persuaded me to get medical help.
And that's all I'd say to you, Rosalind - don't hesitate to go to your GP, and tell people how you feel. It took me months and months before I could speak honestly about my condition, but once I did I was amazed at how understanding people were and how many people had had similar experiences.
Yeah I agree teenage worries can be significant, but I was talking more about pre-teenage years.
Goatboy wrote:
> Oh I've been trying and trying.
Something is keeping you there or you wouldn't be there. Figure out what it is. If it is a good reason then stay. If it is a bad reason then go. I know that it may sound like I'm trivialising things. I don't mean to. Human emotions are involved and thats always tricky.
> Oh I've been trying and trying.
Something is keeping you there or you wouldn't be there. Figure out what it is. If it is a good reason then stay. If it is a bad reason then go. I know that it may sound like I'm trivialising things. I don't mean to. Human emotions are involved and thats always tricky.
The thing that made me laugh most recently was when me and Mr Nice Guy off here tried to get a train from Audley End to Bury St Edmunds, and we ended up in Waterbeach. We thought we'd just get the next train back... and then a bunch of train workers came along and started digging all the train tracks up.
So then we got a lift back with one of the workers to Cambridge... and eventually got a taxi back with this man and woman, the man was telling me how dopy all women are, saying the silly cow of his girlfriend [sitting next to him listening] didn't wake him up when they got to Audley End.
The greatest thing that you can do is break from fear and taboo. Because if you keep giving into it, you'll end up completely depressed. Well, that seems to be the way for me, anyway. :0)
I was completely scared of water, so I took up scuba diving. It ended up with me in Egypt, diving in beautifully clear water with hundreds of beautiful fish that I'd never seen before swimming around my head looking at me in the eye. I love my Dad, he rules so much.
I fear heights, I want to hang glide. I fear death, and I want to be scared crapless.
But I truly fear being trapped. I don't ever want to be trapped, and I only get emotion out of being trapped, if I'm then let free.
Face everything. Christ, change sexual positions or something, that's a start. Do something radical. That's what I need to do too.
So then we got a lift back with one of the workers to Cambridge... and eventually got a taxi back with this man and woman, the man was telling me how dopy all women are, saying the silly cow of his girlfriend [sitting next to him listening] didn't wake him up when they got to Audley End.
The greatest thing that you can do is break from fear and taboo. Because if you keep giving into it, you'll end up completely depressed. Well, that seems to be the way for me, anyway. :0)
I was completely scared of water, so I took up scuba diving. It ended up with me in Egypt, diving in beautifully clear water with hundreds of beautiful fish that I'd never seen before swimming around my head looking at me in the eye. I love my Dad, he rules so much.
I fear heights, I want to hang glide. I fear death, and I want to be scared crapless.
But I truly fear being trapped. I don't ever want to be trapped, and I only get emotion out of being trapped, if I'm then let free.
Face everything. Christ, change sexual positions or something, that's a start. Do something radical. That's what I need to do too.
english_bloke wrote:
little to no worries, as you grow up
I agree with all but this. Although they may seem insignificant to adults, I hate to say this, but *teenage* worries are pretty daunting if you're at that age and they come along.
Especially if think too much.
little to no worries, as you grow up
I agree with all but this. Although they may seem insignificant to adults, I hate to say this, but *teenage* worries are pretty daunting if you're at that age and they come along.
Especially if think too much.
What I miss most about being a child is being able to tell my mum all my worries, and for her to be able to make it all better right there an the spot.
*nostalgic*
*nostalgic*
Oh I've been trying and trying.
And I'll tell you the exact moment I thought "Actually? Cram it up your passage".
I get back from a week in the studio with a rough-mix CD of the 2 new tracks. I write out the cover-sheet for it and she asks "What's that?"
"Oh it's the 2 new songs we've just done"
"Oh..."
Doesn't ask to listen to it. Still hasnt done.
Something that means more to me than anything else on this planet and she can't be bothered to even pretend she cares.
Why should I hurl myself against a wall of indifference, slowly losing my sense of self-worth when somebody cannot even take a mild interest in my absolute passion?
And I'll tell you the exact moment I thought "Actually? Cram it up your passage".
I get back from a week in the studio with a rough-mix CD of the 2 new tracks. I write out the cover-sheet for it and she asks "What's that?"
"Oh it's the 2 new songs we've just done"
"Oh..."
Doesn't ask to listen to it. Still hasnt done.
Something that means more to me than anything else on this planet and she can't be bothered to even pretend she cares.
Why should I hurl myself against a wall of indifference, slowly losing my sense of self-worth when somebody cannot even take a mild interest in my absolute passion?
I think a lot of what you are saying about childhood is all about the innocence and how fuzzy the world looks through a child’s eyes.
When your young you have little to no worries, as you grow up responsibilities build up and most of life just seems to be a chore.
When your young you have little to no worries, as you grow up responsibilities build up and most of life just seems to be a chore.
I missed all the stuff below phuzzys post, because I was thinking about my last post. I dunno if I should have posted it now
*confused*
*confused*
Goatboy, I guess in your case, you haven't had a lot of time together. It must be very hard for you to face resilance at all times. But do you still have a spark of what was there in the first place.
The Valentines Card that I bought the Ogre this year said. "Do you remember how it felt when we firt met". Inside the card it said "I haven't forgotten". I really meant that. Especially after 4 and a half years.
Of course, I'm in a bad position to be giving advice. But if there is something there it might be worth holding on for, as long as you can.
The Valentines Card that I bought the Ogre this year said. "Do you remember how it felt when we firt met". Inside the card it said "I haven't forgotten". I really meant that. Especially after 4 and a half years.
Of course, I'm in a bad position to be giving advice. But if there is something there it might be worth holding on for, as long as you can.
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