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Whats wrong with me?
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
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You sound like my miserable, hateful current-girlfriend.
[/bitterness}
Life is what you make it.
There's no great secret, no ultimate purpose until you discover what works for you.
Last night for instance...Missus is upstairs on computer doing whatever so I sit in the living room, pour myself a drink and sit with a candle burning listening to Gorecki in the darkness.
At that moment, for the hour that CD lasts, I was the most peaceful contended person on earth. No problems, no worries, no stress.
Ok, so work is sucking at the moment and I'll go home and face a miserable, sour-faced silent depressive but then I'll go upstairs and listen to Clutch, do some writing and lose myself in myself.
You dont have to leave a mark on the entire planet, just the bit you live in. For yourself.
You're not happy with your boyfriend? Leave. Dont put him through misery because you dont know who you are yet.
This is not criticism, honestly.
This is saying do something spontaenous (sp?) today. Smile at a stranger in the street, sing at the top of your voice in the car on the way home.
Do something, dont just fritter another day away waiting for something.
Because life is each and ever day, there isnt any great prize you'll be awarded. Dont waste it in limbo awaiting some perfect ideal of life, because you'll suddenly be 70 with nothing left to say.
[/bitterness}
Life is what you make it.
There's no great secret, no ultimate purpose until you discover what works for you.
Last night for instance...Missus is upstairs on computer doing whatever so I sit in the living room, pour myself a drink and sit with a candle burning listening to Gorecki in the darkness.
At that moment, for the hour that CD lasts, I was the most peaceful contended person on earth. No problems, no worries, no stress.
Ok, so work is sucking at the moment and I'll go home and face a miserable, sour-faced silent depressive but then I'll go upstairs and listen to Clutch, do some writing and lose myself in myself.
You dont have to leave a mark on the entire planet, just the bit you live in. For yourself.
You're not happy with your boyfriend? Leave. Dont put him through misery because you dont know who you are yet.
This is not criticism, honestly.
This is saying do something spontaenous (sp?) today. Smile at a stranger in the street, sing at the top of your voice in the car on the way home.
Do something, dont just fritter another day away waiting for something.
Because life is each and ever day, there isnt any great prize you'll be awarded. Dont waste it in limbo awaiting some perfect ideal of life, because you'll suddenly be 70 with nothing left to say.
Whats wrong with me?
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.
I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.
I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.
I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.
I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.
So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.
Page: