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"Life and the boredom it brings"

Whats wrong with me?

I can't find contentment, and worse, I what it is in my life that is wrong.

I used to believe that all we had to do was to put our faith in God. I used to believe that I had a space inside me that was God shaped, and that when I truely believed in God I would be Happy. I don't believe so any more. I've been deluding myself. There is no god, and if there is a god, there is no love for me.

I thought that being in love would make me happy. When I was younger I would stare at myself in the mirror and think to myself, If only somebody would kiss me I would be happy forever. If only someone loved me I would be vindicated in this life.

I found someone to love me. So why am I crying everyday. Why do I get bored even when my love is with me. He doesn't make me happy, I make him sad. I make him desperate because there is nothing he can do to stop me crying.

I'm bored all the time. I have no interest in anything I do. TV, Video games, DVDs, Music, Books. I buy and buy in the hope that one of these things will lift my boredom, give me a purpose, and for a time I find a new game or TV seris, or a book that distracts me. 40 hours of Final Fantasy fantasy or Buffy the Vampire Slayer later I'm left with nothing. I've invested my time into a fantasy that isn't real.

So someone please tell me, what are we here for. What is the point in this life. We live and We die. A small handful of us do something worthwhile behind. A mark on the world. But even then we still die. We are still dead, and we have nothing.

Man...look I'm sorry.
It's just a situation and who the hell do I talk to about it?
When I post personal stuff here, it's just me working this crap out with words instead of sitting up till 4am smoking and trying to not shake her by her shoulders until she sees what she's doing.

I suck.

Woah, wasn't to be taken as an insult, I should do the same.

Grix, what you say about childhood and adulthood really strikes a chord with me. One of the things I often find myself saying is I hate being an adult. I'm not a child anymore and I wish I was.

I'm sure how much I agree with you on the subject of if we have a choice in growing up. I fail to find the levels of excitment i did as a child. Stories cease to have quite the same magic. Christmas feels flat. Family holidays are a drag. Cartoons don't make me laugh anymore. I do try. But I fail.

Uh-huh.

I'll seek advice from people that have experienced life a bit then.
Sorry to bother y'all, enjoy your mopey-ass poems and talk of love.

Call me when reality slaps you in face.

Something I realised when I was about 10, was that I always play tennis better when I'm playing against someone better than me.

This has been popping into my head recently, couldn't work out why, for a while.

But... it's the same for maturity. If you spend more time with people more mature than you, then that maturity will begin to make you feel much more mature yourself.

You need to go spend time in the old folks home, Goaty. Go chat to the grannies about love. :0D

"Tell me... what's it like to find someone you truly love?"

"Are you the tea boy?"

"No... I'm just interested in your lif..."

"I'll take one sugar please."

As of yet, I don't feel empty, or 'bored' with life. I sometimes fell there must be more, something undiscovered. But hey, I'm sure whatever it is will come in good time.

I try and fill my days with something new everyday. It maybe be from the most insignificant things, such as posting something nice on the boards, to the mightiest of tasks, one of which (to me), is making friends. But every day I try never to sleep in to the afternoon (except today :S) and do things which are repetitive. I'd rather be unemployed than work in an office job, with 4 weeks paid holiday, minimum wage and a grotty flat (the pits of hell by my standards).

At the moment? The next few big things are exams, exams, more exams and then university. Which I'm really excited about..

Then, equally, I was very excited about secondary school. And look how that turned out.....

My question is:

How long do you continue to ignore your own emotions and subjugate yourself in the hope that the other person will "come out of it"?
How long do you place yourself in a state of unhappiness and claustrophobia on the off-chance things will change?

This is what I'm struggling with. The desire to see it out and hope things get better ultimately, and the knowledge that since January, things have been as pointless as they can be.
2 complete strangers living under 1 roof with no talking or exchange of emotions.
Any attempts to say anything are met with hostility and anger.

I'm swiftly realising that I deserve more than to be treated like the enemy when I'm one of the only people on her side.

If we acted on every single instinct... well, I'd be dead for a start. We get feelings sometimes that we're stuck and are going nowhere... but everyday can bring a brand new smile. :0)

Because sometimes you can get bored of being happy. And sometimes you can get bored of being unhappy. But all in all, we're who we are. Sometimes it's better to act right then, and right now... but sometimes it's better to wait.

Because life is absolutely fantastic. It was fantastic, it is fantastic, and it will forever be fantastic. Because we are human, and we can think. We can feel and love and we have emotions and as long as we have emotion we will always be completely alive.

And sometimes I deny that. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my own self-pity and hope someone will come along and cheer me up, because that's the way I am. I know I'll mature, and I won't need it as much, but I can be very selfish. Time will help me, I know. And I'll never be the perfect person, but I'll be able to stand on my own two feet, know who I am, intimiately, and not care one bit.

And today I feel so very close to perfection. And I know soon enough I'll feel pathetic and that nobody loves me and nobody ever will. But, I guess that's what people will have to deal with until I'm truly an adult.

I wrote this not that long ago, for a story I'm writing and animating.

"The journey into adulthood is the blind pretence that we are no longer children."

I still believe that's true. We are children, we will die children. We will never be perfect, we will never be fully mature. But we can be ever changing and yet still stable. For what if I was completely happy all the time? What if I never doubted life, and I never doubted myself? Then, perhaps, I'd be a bit more mature than I am. But until that time, I think I'll just keep living life.

Perhaps I'll never find love again. Perhaps I will. Life's far too random to care too much about the future. If you have a list of things that you want to do before you die, then start forfilling that list now. You'll fill the list again, I promise you.

I myself went through a crappy time about 5 years ago, when my best mate was killed in a car crash, my dad got diagnosed with cancer, my mum got told she had epilepsy, and my brother went into 'status' (a continous state of seizures)...this all happened within the space of 5 weeks whilst i was doing my A-Level exams and it messed with my head something chronic and I ended up just keeping myself to myself, so everyone deals with things in their own way, but it does get better in time.

So Chin-up and lets see a smile on that face!

Its amazing how many of you have been through something similar. Its also good to know that there is a way out at the other end.

"I know this with my head. The challange is to feel it with my heart"