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Okay, I'm not exactly asking for advice here - just opinions, thoughts, etc.
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
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If you think you made the right choice then that's the important thing.
It wasnt a criticism as such Wookiee, nobody can speak for another person where matters of the heart are involved. It makes us do the most irrational things and they seem to make sense - or rather we make them make sense to justify what we do.
All I know is what you've written, and I find myself (unsurprisingly) taking the male side of things.
You were an item. She blew you out and took up with 2 other relationships. She gave you grief unlimited for mentioning it soon after, yet writes you a letter out of the blue.
And, rightly or wrongly (only you can decide), you jump when she clicks her fingers.
To her, that says "He'll do exactly what I want, when I want, how I want".
Mate, at the end of the day I know nothing about you or your life, it's just a stranger giving his opinion based on a few words on a screen.
Whilst I wish you all the best, unfortunately I'm all too aware of games people play. Not saying I'm any authority, but I've been in a similar situation and wasn't able to ask anyone else or get any distance on it.
I honestly do hope it all works out and you can be friends.
But you need to remember your friendship is on her terms, at her convenience after she decided she didn't want that.
That's all.
Good luck mate.
All I know is what you've written, and I find myself (unsurprisingly) taking the male side of things.
You were an item. She blew you out and took up with 2 other relationships. She gave you grief unlimited for mentioning it soon after, yet writes you a letter out of the blue.
And, rightly or wrongly (only you can decide), you jump when she clicks her fingers.
To her, that says "He'll do exactly what I want, when I want, how I want".
Mate, at the end of the day I know nothing about you or your life, it's just a stranger giving his opinion based on a few words on a screen.
Whilst I wish you all the best, unfortunately I'm all too aware of games people play. Not saying I'm any authority, but I've been in a similar situation and wasn't able to ask anyone else or get any distance on it.
I honestly do hope it all works out and you can be friends.
But you need to remember your friendship is on her terms, at her convenience after she decided she didn't want that.
That's all.
Good luck mate.
Goatboy wrote:
> You absolute mug.
Time may well prove you to be right, my friend. But the decision was mine and mine alone, and I'm willing to stand or fall on my own.
If you asked me if I still lover her, the answer would be 'no'. If you asked me if I still care about her, then the answer is 'yes'.
As Meka said earlier in the thread, we did most of our growing up together, and as perverse as it sounds, I often felt we were more like a brother and sister than a couple. From finishing each other's sentences, to almost having conversations without words, we *were* close - sometimes it almost seemed psychic! I don't know what went wrong from her point of view, but I would at least like to try and find out.
Rightly or wrongly, I feel the need to make some allowances. There are reasons for this which I haven't mentioned anywhere in this thread. Maybe I should, but they are extremely personal and sensitive issues (for her), and I don't feel it would be right announcing them on a public forum.
> You absolute mug.
Time may well prove you to be right, my friend. But the decision was mine and mine alone, and I'm willing to stand or fall on my own.
If you asked me if I still lover her, the answer would be 'no'. If you asked me if I still care about her, then the answer is 'yes'.
As Meka said earlier in the thread, we did most of our growing up together, and as perverse as it sounds, I often felt we were more like a brother and sister than a couple. From finishing each other's sentences, to almost having conversations without words, we *were* close - sometimes it almost seemed psychic! I don't know what went wrong from her point of view, but I would at least like to try and find out.
Rightly or wrongly, I feel the need to make some allowances. There are reasons for this which I haven't mentioned anywhere in this thread. Maybe I should, but they are extremely personal and sensitive issues (for her), and I don't feel it would be right announcing them on a public forum.
I've just been through a bad breakup, which ended last tuesday with a slanging match.
I also valued our freindship before anything else, but she wasn't the friend that I thought she was, or thats how it seems at the moment, We broke up about a month ago, have slept together since, but she tellls me that shes seeing someone else, and has been for a week.
I don't have a problem with that, in fact if she was happy it would be great.
But I do have a problem with the fact that we broke up as a 'break', because we were atrguing, and I personally needed some alone time, even though she requested it in the end.
But shes thrown herself into another relationship already, And has never fully explained what either I did or what changed in her, our relationship broke down in two weeks, when I wasn't around, and I never really got any answers apart from 'I don't know'
Thats a cowards way out, and I don't think that she ever did love me (she siad that she did), otherwise I would expect a bit of respect and her to be honest with.
I also valued our freindship before anything else, but she wasn't the friend that I thought she was, or thats how it seems at the moment, We broke up about a month ago, have slept together since, but she tellls me that shes seeing someone else, and has been for a week.
I don't have a problem with that, in fact if she was happy it would be great.
But I do have a problem with the fact that we broke up as a 'break', because we were atrguing, and I personally needed some alone time, even though she requested it in the end.
But shes thrown herself into another relationship already, And has never fully explained what either I did or what changed in her, our relationship broke down in two weeks, when I wasn't around, and I never really got any answers apart from 'I don't know'
Thats a cowards way out, and I don't think that she ever did love me (she siad that she did), otherwise I would expect a bit of respect and her to be honest with.
Thats good - no complicated situations and you get your friendship back.
Very nice.
Very nice.
In the nicest way possible...
You absolute mug.
You absolute mug.
Well, I guess I'm an idiot.
I thought about replying to the letter. Put it off. Tried to forget. Thought about it again. Put it off again. Thought about it. Wrote a reply. Decided not to drop it through her parent's letterbox. Thought about it some more. Re-wrote the letter. Tried to forget about it. Thought about it all the more. Re-wrote the letter again. Went to drop it through the letterbox. Stopped halfway there and reconsidered. Went home. Thought about it some more. And so on.
Eventually, it got delivered.
Seems it was a genuine letter. By all accounts, she's changed. No chance of us getting back together as she now lives in Skegness. I didn't want to get back together anyway, but this serves as a handy barrier. At least if I had been tempted, this would have given a nice 'cooling off' period.
I've been given her mobile number, and we have sent some messages - a little strained at first, with neither really knowing what to say... but it got better. Haven't actually spoken yet, though. She hs told me that she would like to meet up, but not for a while, as it's "all a bit too much at the moment". I found that odd, because she was never the over-emotional type. Maybe she has changed. Maybe it's an act. Who knows? Only her!
So how do I feel? I don't hurt, I'm not upset. If anything, I'm still feeling a little confused. I guess the rest will be cleared up as and when we speak properly. True, there are still many unanswered questions on my part, and things will certainly never be the same between us.
But I'd be happy to be back on speaking terms, because throughout our relationship, her friendship was the thing I think I valued most.
Despite all that went on, things might well turn out okay. And if they don't, I'm not losing anything this time.
I thought about replying to the letter. Put it off. Tried to forget. Thought about it again. Put it off again. Thought about it. Wrote a reply. Decided not to drop it through her parent's letterbox. Thought about it some more. Re-wrote the letter. Tried to forget about it. Thought about it all the more. Re-wrote the letter again. Went to drop it through the letterbox. Stopped halfway there and reconsidered. Went home. Thought about it some more. And so on.
Eventually, it got delivered.
Seems it was a genuine letter. By all accounts, she's changed. No chance of us getting back together as she now lives in Skegness. I didn't want to get back together anyway, but this serves as a handy barrier. At least if I had been tempted, this would have given a nice 'cooling off' period.
I've been given her mobile number, and we have sent some messages - a little strained at first, with neither really knowing what to say... but it got better. Haven't actually spoken yet, though. She hs told me that she would like to meet up, but not for a while, as it's "all a bit too much at the moment". I found that odd, because she was never the over-emotional type. Maybe she has changed. Maybe it's an act. Who knows? Only her!
So how do I feel? I don't hurt, I'm not upset. If anything, I'm still feeling a little confused. I guess the rest will be cleared up as and when we speak properly. True, there are still many unanswered questions on my part, and things will certainly never be the same between us.
But I'd be happy to be back on speaking terms, because throughout our relationship, her friendship was the thing I think I valued most.
Despite all that went on, things might well turn out okay. And if they don't, I'm not losing anything this time.
I would, wait for the next one.
It sounds like a game to me, and if you want to play a game on her terms, you'll always lose.
Wait for the follow up, wait for the, btw, did you get a letter recently from anyone, not just her, and most importantly, don't rule anything out, good or bad, this is a major life changing moment and only you can decide what happens with your life from now on.
It sounds like a game to me, and if you want to play a game on her terms, you'll always lose.
Wait for the follow up, wait for the, btw, did you get a letter recently from anyone, not just her, and most importantly, don't rule anything out, good or bad, this is a major life changing moment and only you can decide what happens with your life from now on.
Meka Dragon wrote:
> I don't think I've helped at all, but I'm always willing to try offer
> advice if you need it..
Can you help me out too?
I've started up another topic called 'what should I do'
Thanks :0)
> I don't think I've helped at all, but I'm always willing to try offer
> advice if you need it..
Can you help me out too?
I've started up another topic called 'what should I do'
Thanks :0)
The thing is though, it's going to be hard to just do nothing, isn't it?
Curiousity itself surely means you want to know if she means it, or if she's joking.
If she is messing around, then that's really cruel, really out of order..
Damn, man, the more I think about this, all I see are 'what ifs...'
Women just don't operate on the same level as men do, and as well as I can judge my wife, other women just baffle me now, because they're not all the same, and it would be unfair to tar them all with the dirty stick.
All you want at the moment, I would guess from reading the post is to know why the letter was sent, if you get that, you'll have a clearer picture of things.
I mean, it's not just an ex here, it's someone that you have done a fair amount of growing up with, if you've known her since 9.
I don't think I've helped at all, but I'm always willing to try offer advice if you need it..
Curiousity itself surely means you want to know if she means it, or if she's joking.
If she is messing around, then that's really cruel, really out of order..
Damn, man, the more I think about this, all I see are 'what ifs...'
Women just don't operate on the same level as men do, and as well as I can judge my wife, other women just baffle me now, because they're not all the same, and it would be unfair to tar them all with the dirty stick.
All you want at the moment, I would guess from reading the post is to know why the letter was sent, if you get that, you'll have a clearer picture of things.
I mean, it's not just an ex here, it's someone that you have done a fair amount of growing up with, if you've known her since 9.
I don't think I've helped at all, but I'm always willing to try offer advice if you need it..
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