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Okay, I'm not exactly asking for advice here - just opinions, thoughts, etc.
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
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Remember this?
Well, things have been moving very slowly. A few letters, mostly SMS messages.
I've found I'm not overly interested in anything but 'being friends' again, but she's possibly going to be back in the area next week sometime visiting her parents, and wants to meet.
Hmm...
Well, things have been moving very slowly. A few letters, mostly SMS messages.
I've found I'm not overly interested in anything but 'being friends' again, but she's possibly going to be back in the area next week sometime visiting her parents, and wants to meet.
Hmm...
well i think she meant it because did she really have any long term relationships after the break up so she could ne still interested in you
Wow.
Just read through all of that - agree completely with Snuggly that it is one of the most interesting threads for a while.
On the actual subject though, I have to say I am with Goatboy here. One of my favourite mottos is 'Never underestimate the malice/stupidity of people', depending on the situation.
It does seem like she is simply pining for attention, but there is one thing I wouldn't agree with Goatboy on.
I think meeting her IS a good idea - but not to get back into any king of relationship, but simply to show her 1)What she lost before and 2)That it is definitely over.
Just read through all of that - agree completely with Snuggly that it is one of the most interesting threads for a while.
On the actual subject though, I have to say I am with Goatboy here. One of my favourite mottos is 'Never underestimate the malice/stupidity of people', depending on the situation.
It does seem like she is simply pining for attention, but there is one thing I wouldn't agree with Goatboy on.
I think meeting her IS a good idea - but not to get back into any king of relationship, but simply to show her 1)What she lost before and 2)That it is definitely over.
Insane Bartender wrote:
> You mean in "Liar, Liar" style pillow talk?
Heh - yeah.
"How was it for you?"
"I've had better!"
> You mean in "Liar, Liar" style pillow talk?
Heh - yeah.
"How was it for you?"
"I've had better!"
Knowing what my own emotions have been through this past year, I can't even begin to imagine how people would feel in this situation (grow up together, be a couple for about 10 years or so, and then break up and not see each other for 6 years...)
I wouldn't know where to begin on how either of you should feel, but I'm sure that if there was someone who I'd spent that much of my life with, then I'd want to see them again too (that would be where the curiosity would come in).
Then again, I'm probably the sort of sucker that would get played too.
Having said that, (I think Mr Snuggly said something along these lines...), I've got more regrets for passing up chances rather than ones for taking risks that blew up in my face...
I wouldn't know where to begin on how either of you should feel, but I'm sure that if there was someone who I'd spent that much of my life with, then I'd want to see them again too (that would be where the curiosity would come in).
Then again, I'm probably the sort of sucker that would get played too.
Having said that, (I think Mr Snuggly said something along these lines...), I've got more regrets for passing up chances rather than ones for taking risks that blew up in my face...
Goatboy wrote:
> Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say
> "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me
> believe".
You mean in "Liar, Liar" style pillow talk? That would be class. Get it on film, and put it on the internet.
> Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say
> "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me
> believe".
You mean in "Liar, Liar" style pillow talk? That would be class. Get it on film, and put it on the internet.
Only just come across this thread, but it's a damn interesting one.
I think I'd have done what you did Wookiee. The fact is, you want questions answering, and the only way to get them answered was to reply to the letter.
You've sorted your feelings for her out in your own mind, so I don't think there's any danger of you getting played. If the worst comes to the worst, you could always pretend you're interested in getting back with her, just so you can get the answers that you want.
The fact is, you're aware that she's (possibly) playing games with you, so as long as you bear that in mind I don't think that you'll get hurt this time around.
Anyway, I think it was a pretty brave move to open up about stuff like this on the forum. And I also think you've done the right the thing.
Hope it all works out ok in the end.
I think I'd have done what you did Wookiee. The fact is, you want questions answering, and the only way to get them answered was to reply to the letter.
You've sorted your feelings for her out in your own mind, so I don't think there's any danger of you getting played. If the worst comes to the worst, you could always pretend you're interested in getting back with her, just so you can get the answers that you want.
The fact is, you're aware that she's (possibly) playing games with you, so as long as you bear that in mind I don't think that you'll get hurt this time around.
Anyway, I think it was a pretty brave move to open up about stuff like this on the forum. And I also think you've done the right the thing.
Hope it all works out ok in the end.
Yup
*nods*
You can be sensitive and understanding and blah blah eventually, but if you come out of the gate like that?
"You're like my brother"
*nods*
You can be sensitive and understanding and blah blah eventually, but if you come out of the gate like that?
"You're like my brother"
Goatboy wrote:
> Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say
> "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me
> believe".
Damn, thats good. Should have used it on Tuesday when I found out my ex was seeing someone just a few weeks after we boroke up, not on bad terms, but because we needed a break.
You've told me this before goatboy, and I believe it..
WOmen ask for someone who is freindly, compassionate and will treat them well.
However as soon as they find someone like that, they 'just want to be friends'
> Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say
> "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me
> believe".
Damn, thats good. Should have used it on Tuesday when I found out my ex was seeing someone just a few weeks after we boroke up, not on bad terms, but because we needed a break.
You've told me this before goatboy, and I believe it..
WOmen ask for someone who is freindly, compassionate and will treat them well.
However as soon as they find someone like that, they 'just want to be friends'
*Goatboy's in a mood today so here comes the dark-cloud advice*
Meet up with her. Show her how much you've changed and improved since she decided you weren't good enough.
Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me believe".
Then take photos and post them on rudysrx.com
*dusts hands off*
Now, where next with my sage like advice
Meet up with her. Show her how much you've changed and improved since she decided you weren't good enough.
Then (to borrow from IB) stuff her like an Xmas turkey and then say "actually, you're not as good as my imagination had me believe".
Then take photos and post them on rudysrx.com
*dusts hands off*
Now, where next with my sage like advice
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