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Okay, I'm not exactly asking for advice here - just opinions, thoughts, etc.
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
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That's crap
If it were me I would ignore it as if somebody hurts me that badly I find it hard to ever forgive them.
Good luck anyhoo
If it were me I would ignore it as if somebody hurts me that badly I find it hard to ever forgive them.
Good luck anyhoo
Goatboy wrote:
"The simple fact she went mental at you for writing a letter shortly after the break-up YET feels she can write to you after 6 years should tell you exactly where you stand in her affections."
I agree that she's playing him now, but the past really doesn't matter. It's now that counts.
"Dont fall for it mate, you'll end up here writing shabby love poems about "the horror, the horror"."
:0D
"The simple fact she went mental at you for writing a letter shortly after the break-up YET feels she can write to you after 6 years should tell you exactly where you stand in her affections."
I agree that she's playing him now, but the past really doesn't matter. It's now that counts.
"Dont fall for it mate, you'll end up here writing shabby love poems about "the horror, the horror"."
:0D
WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:
> I've penned a letter for the parents to read, but I've not yet decided
> whether or not to deliver it.
---
Dont.
That simple Wookiee, don't.
She's testing the water, seeing what the reaction would be.
It's arrogance on her part "I'm so great I'll smash his heart, swan off and then decide to contact him"
The simple fact she went mental at you for writing a letter shortly after the break-up YET feels she can write to you after 6 years should tell you exactly where you stand in her affections.
You're being played mate.
There are very few things I know, but spotting a gamesmaster is one of them. It's your life and you'll do what you feel is write here Wookiee.
But I can say with absolute certainty that you'll regret it should you do anything else but burn that letter and continue as you did before it arrived.
It's not *you* she wants, it's someone to tell her how great she is and how important she is to them. It just happens that you're available.
Dont fall for it mate, you'll end up here writing shabby love poems about "the horror, the horror".
Burn the letter, collect your dignity and sense and see through it.
> I've penned a letter for the parents to read, but I've not yet decided
> whether or not to deliver it.
---
Dont.
That simple Wookiee, don't.
She's testing the water, seeing what the reaction would be.
It's arrogance on her part "I'm so great I'll smash his heart, swan off and then decide to contact him"
The simple fact she went mental at you for writing a letter shortly after the break-up YET feels she can write to you after 6 years should tell you exactly where you stand in her affections.
You're being played mate.
There are very few things I know, but spotting a gamesmaster is one of them. It's your life and you'll do what you feel is write here Wookiee.
But I can say with absolute certainty that you'll regret it should you do anything else but burn that letter and continue as you did before it arrived.
It's not *you* she wants, it's someone to tell her how great she is and how important she is to them. It just happens that you're available.
Dont fall for it mate, you'll end up here writing shabby love poems about "the horror, the horror".
Burn the letter, collect your dignity and sense and see through it.
Tendency to agree now, she probably is playing with you. No wonder you needed help. :0D
WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:
> Rosalind wrote:
> Which is exactly what she intended
>
> Okay, okay - so I'm a sucker. What of it? Wanna fight? I'll pull
> your pigtails... :-)
*pulls self in a dignified way*
I'm too old for pigtails!
Shame I'm still wearing them then :D
> Rosalind wrote:
> Which is exactly what she intended
>
> Okay, okay - so I'm a sucker. What of it? Wanna fight? I'll pull
> your pigtails... :-)
*pulls self in a dignified way*
I'm too old for pigtails!
Shame I'm still wearing them then :D
Rosalind wrote:
> Which is exactly what she intended
Okay, okay - so I'm a sucker. What of it? Wanna fight? I'll pull your pigtails... :-)
> Which is exactly what she intended
Okay, okay - so I'm a sucker. What of it? Wanna fight? I'll pull your pigtails... :-)
WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:
> But on the other hand, the wiring of my brain makes me that damn
> curious about the whole thing, and I admit I'm really tempted to try
> and find out.
Which is exactly what she intended
> But on the other hand, the wiring of my brain makes me that damn
> curious about the whole thing, and I admit I'm really tempted to try
> and find out.
Which is exactly what she intended
Pah! Women! How can something so simple be so complicated?! :-)
Thanks, everyone, for the input.
I've penned a letter for the parents to read, but I've not yet decided whether or not to deliver it.
I would agree in some ways with Goaty - that I would be an absolute fool to do anything about it, and should just ignore it.
But on the other hand, the wiring of my brain makes me that damn curious about the whole thing, and I admit I'm really tempted to try and find out.
Grr!
Thanks, everyone, for the input.
I've penned a letter for the parents to read, but I've not yet decided whether or not to deliver it.
I would agree in some ways with Goaty - that I would be an absolute fool to do anything about it, and should just ignore it.
But on the other hand, the wiring of my brain makes me that damn curious about the whole thing, and I admit I'm really tempted to try and find out.
Grr!
Agreed Goaty, but what about a mixture of both people? Someone who loves someone for what they offer and how they make their life more enjoyable, but also feels wanted for having someone? People work on many levels.
Personally, I like to feel needed. It doesn't shame me, it's just the way I am. I like to feel that I make a difference, however small, in peoples lives, and I like to feel that I make them happy. I don't belittle anyone because I like to feel 'special', and I certainly don't feel above anyone. I compare myself only to myself, and my moods, be them high or low, are all compared to how I am feeling or looking or doing relative to myself, not to other people. I'm a little insecure about what people think of me, but I'm definitely getting a lot better. I like to feel needed because it makes me happy. I like to make people laugh. I don't like hurting people.
I don't love people because they love me, however. To love someone takes a lot else. If two people would live through life enjoying the same sorts of things, why not put them together so they can have an even bigger laugh on the way? That's why I'm happy. But I do need to be loved.
And I DO agree though, there are many, many type 2 people out there... but everyone, no matter what type they are, make mistakes. That's what I'm saying.
I still say write back. If it goes tots up, well, never mind.
Actually, I'm a bit worried about the "it's too late now" comment in the letter... perhaps she is type 2 after all.
*shrug* Guess this needs a lot of thought. :0)
Personally, I like to feel needed. It doesn't shame me, it's just the way I am. I like to feel that I make a difference, however small, in peoples lives, and I like to feel that I make them happy. I don't belittle anyone because I like to feel 'special', and I certainly don't feel above anyone. I compare myself only to myself, and my moods, be them high or low, are all compared to how I am feeling or looking or doing relative to myself, not to other people. I'm a little insecure about what people think of me, but I'm definitely getting a lot better. I like to feel needed because it makes me happy. I like to make people laugh. I don't like hurting people.
I don't love people because they love me, however. To love someone takes a lot else. If two people would live through life enjoying the same sorts of things, why not put them together so they can have an even bigger laugh on the way? That's why I'm happy. But I do need to be loved.
And I DO agree though, there are many, many type 2 people out there... but everyone, no matter what type they are, make mistakes. That's what I'm saying.
I still say write back. If it goes tots up, well, never mind.
Actually, I'm a bit worried about the "it's too late now" comment in the letter... perhaps she is type 2 after all.
*shrug* Guess this needs a lot of thought. :0)
Goatboy's summary (to be taken in whatever mood you want):
You're being played Wookiee.
This is exactly the same as when an ex you've recently split with phones you on a Friday night and suggests meeting for a drink. It's not you, it's that she's stuck for something to do.
Sorry to be harsh but it's the way this world works.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
1 - A person that enters a relationship because they like that person and feel that being with them will offer something more to their life. Be it serious, a fling, whatever. The driving motivation behind these sorts of people is "I like you, I like what you have to offer and wish to spend some time with you"
2 - A person that enters a relationship for validation. This person continually goes from relationship to relationship with no down time. A constant involvement with another person. But, differing to above, purely for self-interest reasons. A lot of people don't feel validated unless they are with someone. They fear being alone and need constant reassurement of their worth from being in a relationship. The fact that it's *you* is irrelevant. It just needs to be someone for that "Well they like me therefore I must be a good person" mentality.
Seeing as you two split and since then she's been in two other relationships would indicate that she's one of the needful people. This isn't a criticism as her as a person, it doesnt have to be a malicious needing. Just a person that can only operate within a relationship - it gives that person a sense of worth and identity.
As Rosalind says, from the sounds of it she's found herself without an ego-booster and suddenly, when faced with the prospect of having to listen to her own voices, decides (out of the blue) to contact you.
Considering she gave you grief for writing her a letter and gave you abuse for "being unfair", I find it highly ironic that she's done exactly the same thing.
It's playing games mate. Why not sign it? Why not, if she's being so honest about her feelings, put her name at the bottom?
My advice is to put the letter in the bin and carry on like nothing happened.
Trust me, you're opening a whole world of stress if you even acknowledge you got this. Burn it, clear your mind and get on with life.
You'd be a bloody fool if you even started talking to her again, and I know you're not a fool.
You're being played Wookiee.
This is exactly the same as when an ex you've recently split with phones you on a Friday night and suggests meeting for a drink. It's not you, it's that she's stuck for something to do.
Sorry to be harsh but it's the way this world works.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
1 - A person that enters a relationship because they like that person and feel that being with them will offer something more to their life. Be it serious, a fling, whatever. The driving motivation behind these sorts of people is "I like you, I like what you have to offer and wish to spend some time with you"
2 - A person that enters a relationship for validation. This person continually goes from relationship to relationship with no down time. A constant involvement with another person. But, differing to above, purely for self-interest reasons. A lot of people don't feel validated unless they are with someone. They fear being alone and need constant reassurement of their worth from being in a relationship. The fact that it's *you* is irrelevant. It just needs to be someone for that "Well they like me therefore I must be a good person" mentality.
Seeing as you two split and since then she's been in two other relationships would indicate that she's one of the needful people. This isn't a criticism as her as a person, it doesnt have to be a malicious needing. Just a person that can only operate within a relationship - it gives that person a sense of worth and identity.
As Rosalind says, from the sounds of it she's found herself without an ego-booster and suddenly, when faced with the prospect of having to listen to her own voices, decides (out of the blue) to contact you.
Considering she gave you grief for writing her a letter and gave you abuse for "being unfair", I find it highly ironic that she's done exactly the same thing.
It's playing games mate. Why not sign it? Why not, if she's being so honest about her feelings, put her name at the bottom?
My advice is to put the letter in the bin and carry on like nothing happened.
Trust me, you're opening a whole world of stress if you even acknowledge you got this. Burn it, clear your mind and get on with life.
You'd be a bloody fool if you even started talking to her again, and I know you're not a fool.
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