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Okay, I'm not exactly asking for advice here - just opinions, thoughts, etc.
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!
Relationships!
I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.
She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.
I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.
The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.
Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.
For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.
But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.
That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.
Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.
Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.
Now here's the killer!
In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.
It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?
But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...
The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.
The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.
So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.
Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.
Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?
Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?
They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.
Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.
And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.
So now we come to my possible responses.
Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.
Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.
So - what would YOU do?
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None of us are perfect. While some find it easy to convey their emotions, others have a very difficult time, and get very confused. It goes for both women and men.
The thing that got me to begin with, was if she dumped you and she didn't realise if she loved you or not, then why bother tearing up the photos? Tearing up/burning stuff is a forced way to try to forget about people. In other words, she didn't know if she loved you or not, but she had to -work- to forget about you and not love you.
And you were young and perhaps insecure... you'd hadn't been in many relationships and you weren't sure what love was. Who can blame her for being confused?
So she breaks up from you, tries her best to hide from you, dates all these other people, and comes out a less confused person. Stuff like time helps you to learn quite a bit about yourself.
And perhaps one day she really did realise that she does love you, and the time she had with you was the greatest she's had in her life. And perhaps she really does want it back.
So she decides to write a letter, smiling to herself as she puts all the little things you used to write in letters. Then she reaches the end, and thinks to herself, why bother writing her name? You know who it is, it'll make you smile to just have some ??'s at the end. And well, if you don't know, well, perhaps you just don't care. So basically, she's left it down to you.
*shrug* Perhaps. Although this possibility would be the one I'd bet on.
Write back. Years back, perhaps you understood yourself faster than she understood herself. Now she can understand herself too, can you forgive her for making rash decisions?
We live in a world where everyone is generally confused at who they are... so don't judge anyone too harshly.
So write back. :0) And keep us updated, please. :0D
The thing that got me to begin with, was if she dumped you and she didn't realise if she loved you or not, then why bother tearing up the photos? Tearing up/burning stuff is a forced way to try to forget about people. In other words, she didn't know if she loved you or not, but she had to -work- to forget about you and not love you.
And you were young and perhaps insecure... you'd hadn't been in many relationships and you weren't sure what love was. Who can blame her for being confused?
So she breaks up from you, tries her best to hide from you, dates all these other people, and comes out a less confused person. Stuff like time helps you to learn quite a bit about yourself.
And perhaps one day she really did realise that she does love you, and the time she had with you was the greatest she's had in her life. And perhaps she really does want it back.
So she decides to write a letter, smiling to herself as she puts all the little things you used to write in letters. Then she reaches the end, and thinks to herself, why bother writing her name? You know who it is, it'll make you smile to just have some ??'s at the end. And well, if you don't know, well, perhaps you just don't care. So basically, she's left it down to you.
*shrug* Perhaps. Although this possibility would be the one I'd bet on.
Write back. Years back, perhaps you understood yourself faster than she understood herself. Now she can understand herself too, can you forgive her for making rash decisions?
We live in a world where everyone is generally confused at who they are... so don't judge anyone too harshly.
So write back. :0) And keep us updated, please. :0D
Does she know you have not been in a relationship since being with her? Maybe she thinks you are probably happyily settling down with someone else now, and she doesn't want to mess things up for you? She may have just wanted to let you know how she felt?
I don't know.
I think option two - chat to the parents to find out - is probably the best idea.
I don't know.
I think option two - chat to the parents to find out - is probably the best idea.
Does she know you have not been in a relationship since being with her? Maybe she thinks you are probably happyily settling down with someone else now, and she doesn't want to mess things up for you? She may have just wanted to let you know how she felt?
I don't know.
I think option two - chat to the parents to find out - is probably the best idea.
I don't know.
I think option two - chat to the parents to find out - is probably the best idea.
Option 2 - just out of curiosity. A straight-to-the-point note as you described.
Right, I have had a good think about this, here is one possible senario. I am in no way saying that its correct
Your Ex may be 'inbetween' relationships at the moment. Obviously she gets rather emotional due to the breakdown of relationships, as seen by the fact that she tore up photos of you and her (I've never done that with any of my Exs). 'Inbetween times' always make you think of other failed relationships, you get to thinking was it my fault etc. etc. So she gets to thinking about you, well it was the longest relationship. Now either she decideds that she made a big mistake and wants you back (which personally I get the feeling isn't the case because in that case she would have made things clearer) or she misses having the attention from someone. So she send the odd letter in order to make you all hung up over her again. It hasn't got her name on it so, if there is any problem she can always back out of it later.
I'm not saying that all women are manipulative, its just that sometimes we are quite good at having our cake and eating it too.
*waits for goatboy and IBs comments on this confession*
Your Ex may be 'inbetween' relationships at the moment. Obviously she gets rather emotional due to the breakdown of relationships, as seen by the fact that she tore up photos of you and her (I've never done that with any of my Exs). 'Inbetween times' always make you think of other failed relationships, you get to thinking was it my fault etc. etc. So she gets to thinking about you, well it was the longest relationship. Now either she decideds that she made a big mistake and wants you back (which personally I get the feeling isn't the case because in that case she would have made things clearer) or she misses having the attention from someone. So she send the odd letter in order to make you all hung up over her again. It hasn't got her name on it so, if there is any problem she can always back out of it later.
I'm not saying that all women are manipulative, its just that sometimes we are quite good at having our cake and eating it too.
*waits for goatboy and IBs comments on this confession*
Rosalind wrote:
> Your all thinking like men.
*You're
> Your all thinking like men.
*You're
Your all thinking like men.
Funk, that was a lot of typing...
Hmm, if her step-mum was right about her ripping up the photos, she may have trashed the letters too, making it less likely someone could find out about them to fake it (though women do talk a lot), though to be honest it seems like a lot of effort to go to just toplay a pretty sick joke.
If it was from her, but a twisted joke: It sounds like you didn't finish on bad terms going on holiday together, but if she really did resent the letter you sent her, it could be her way of trying to put you in the same situation she was in.
Wouldn't explain why after all this time though. Also seems pretty unlikely.
If it is a fake though, whoever sent it is a bigger tart, and far more messed up, than you'll ever be.
If it's from her and genuine:
Sounds like she really downgraded when she started seeing the guy after you, which sounds like insecurity to me. Having been with one person for such a long time, and presumably not having much other experience, it'd be understandable if she wasn't very confident either being single or meeting other men.
If we assume her to be fairly insecure about such issues anyway, it may explain the lack of initials or signature - she could have been concerned you'd forgotten about the childhood letters, symbols and stuff (after all, you've not given her any sign that you're thinking about her).
If you remember and so know who it's from, she's making less of a fool of herself with the letter than if you'd forgotten and didn't really care, and she had given her name. If you did't remember then this way you wouldn't know who it's from and she'd save face.
While that may at first seem to point to her considering the possibility of you getting in touch, that's not necessarily accurate. Just because you don't have to face someone doesn't mean you wouldn't still be embaressed, after all, you figured getting in touch if she were playing a trick wouldn't be good either, though it wouldn't envolve you seeing her.
So if it is genuine, does she want to get in touch with you?
Well, either she doesn't, hence no address, the letter would have been to get things off her chest and perhaps an apology/make amends, or she figures if you want to contact her you'll be able to reach her, after all, you do see her relatives around.
If she doesn't want to, it sounds like a close decision, after putting in the phone number then crossing it out, so it wouldn't be so bad if you tried to get in touch anyway.
So, summary:
Probably from her, and she probably either wants or wouldn't really mind you geting in touch. (On balance, probably just about more likely that she didn't want to get in touch, but it was a close call for her.)
But that's only really important if you do want to see her again.
'You can never have too many friends'. Well, it's a good saying in principle, but you can always take or leave certain 'friends', and here friendship wouldn't seem to benefit you much, but risks throwing a barrel-load fo complications your way.
Still, it may be time to be very honest with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Are you really over her? Maybe you are, maybe not, and not getting envolved with other women has been a defense mechanism because of how she hurt you at the time. If so, seeing her could go one of two ways - help you really get over it and move on or mess you up, potentially pretty badly. Sometimes though, the only way to come out the other side is to keep pushing ahead.
Sounds like you were over her, but the question needs to be asked, and only you have the answer.
Disclaimer: Obviously you know the situation far better than i do. I've given my view of things, but i don't get to see a lot of the story.
Whatever, you do, hope it works out for you.
:^)
If it was from her, but a twisted joke: It sounds like you didn't finish on bad terms going on holiday together, but if she really did resent the letter you sent her, it could be her way of trying to put you in the same situation she was in.
Wouldn't explain why after all this time though. Also seems pretty unlikely.
If it is a fake though, whoever sent it is a bigger tart, and far more messed up, than you'll ever be.
If it's from her and genuine:
Sounds like she really downgraded when she started seeing the guy after you, which sounds like insecurity to me. Having been with one person for such a long time, and presumably not having much other experience, it'd be understandable if she wasn't very confident either being single or meeting other men.
If we assume her to be fairly insecure about such issues anyway, it may explain the lack of initials or signature - she could have been concerned you'd forgotten about the childhood letters, symbols and stuff (after all, you've not given her any sign that you're thinking about her).
If you remember and so know who it's from, she's making less of a fool of herself with the letter than if you'd forgotten and didn't really care, and she had given her name. If you did't remember then this way you wouldn't know who it's from and she'd save face.
While that may at first seem to point to her considering the possibility of you getting in touch, that's not necessarily accurate. Just because you don't have to face someone doesn't mean you wouldn't still be embaressed, after all, you figured getting in touch if she were playing a trick wouldn't be good either, though it wouldn't envolve you seeing her.
So if it is genuine, does she want to get in touch with you?
Well, either she doesn't, hence no address, the letter would have been to get things off her chest and perhaps an apology/make amends, or she figures if you want to contact her you'll be able to reach her, after all, you do see her relatives around.
If she doesn't want to, it sounds like a close decision, after putting in the phone number then crossing it out, so it wouldn't be so bad if you tried to get in touch anyway.
So, summary:
Probably from her, and she probably either wants or wouldn't really mind you geting in touch. (On balance, probably just about more likely that she didn't want to get in touch, but it was a close call for her.)
But that's only really important if you do want to see her again.
'You can never have too many friends'. Well, it's a good saying in principle, but you can always take or leave certain 'friends', and here friendship wouldn't seem to benefit you much, but risks throwing a barrel-load fo complications your way.
Still, it may be time to be very honest with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Are you really over her? Maybe you are, maybe not, and not getting envolved with other women has been a defense mechanism because of how she hurt you at the time. If so, seeing her could go one of two ways - help you really get over it and move on or mess you up, potentially pretty badly. Sometimes though, the only way to come out the other side is to keep pushing ahead.
Sounds like you were over her, but the question needs to be asked, and only you have the answer.
Disclaimer: Obviously you know the situation far better than i do. I've given my view of things, but i don't get to see a lot of the story.
Whatever, you do, hope it works out for you.
:^)
The note is real, we all get paranoid at times but in truth no-one is nasty enough to forge such a letter. No-one adolescent anyway.
If you feel the need to pass a message back, do so, but I wouldn't get involved. That chapter in your life is over, and will bring you pain if you revisit it.
Fk me I sound like Mystic Meg :O(
If you feel the need to pass a message back, do so, but I wouldn't get involved. That chapter in your life is over, and will bring you pain if you revisit it.
Fk me I sound like Mystic Meg :O(
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