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"Crash Bang Wallop What a TV Show"

"It's hotter than the sun"

"He drew a chalk pen1s on the back of my blazer and I got caned for it"

"Back of the net"

[pointing at Lynn's hair] "Is that your mother's money coming through? That's all part of the bereavement dividend. She was quite a heiferlump though, I'd say she was big-hearted but that would be bull****"

"Guess which one of you ladies I'm going to make love to now"

"British roads are among the safest in Europe. But this isn't Britain, [puts on German voice] dis is der Autobahn"

"Get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis! Only with excellent facilities. As had the Nazis"

"This is a petrol station, not the Gulf War. Which is ironically a giant petrol station."

"I use Lynx Africa"

"F***y hair!"

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you missed the funniest TV show ever last night, in I'm Alan Partridge. Make sure you catch it next week.

"This Apple Turnover contains a filling that's about 1000 degrees centigrade. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten hot Bramley apple will squirt out, it could go your way, it could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down."

Brilliant.

It's all becoming a bit too predicatable now, I'm afraid. Same happened with David Brent, which is why I got tired of the Office.

The helicopter thing was really good

" Whose Tim Williams? "

" Joost ah mate "

" Alan's funny stories "

"I've just lost a pint of blood"

in south african accent "you can't"
alan in shock "you said it again"

" I'm a communist with a gun and I've just killed the Queen, can I come in please? "

" I've just ate a pound of anthrax and want to use you're toilet, can I come in please "

" Spiceworld "

I really wasn't impressed with last nights episode.

I laughed a couple of times, but that was about it.

But the whole scene at the fireplace manufacturer's conference was hilarious!

"Well, I was going to give out some awards, but clearly thats not going to happen. Hu-urrrrrghhhhhh."

The bit where he balanced the table by taking the oranges out of the fruit basket was genius, rest of it wasn't as good as last weeks, but still better than anything else on telly at the moment.

"Shut your mouth, Lynn."

Meh. Liked that one, especially at the end with the little h and the fireplace award ceremony.

And the table.

"He seems to be going for the toilet door balanced on a Black and Decker workbench look."

"Theoretically at least two of you in here are gay, so rubber up!"


Half an hour to go

I don't know what this is but it sure is tasty