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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
Bill and Will walk into a cafe and order two cokes, then they took out there own sandwiches and started eating them. The waiter walked over and said
"Sorry, you're not aloud to eat your own sandwiches in here"
Bill and Will switched sandwiches and started eating.
"Sorry, you're not aloud to eat your own sandwiches in here"
Bill and Will switched sandwiches and started eating.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident)
to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me."
Finally, farmer Joe came to the end of the story. "The patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to
shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident)
to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me."
Finally, farmer Joe came to the end of the story. "The patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to
shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Tóm wrote:
> English Signs Abroad
> Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
> discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E'
> for Effort.
etc..
You forgot the Special Reserve free dance mat instructions. Can't remember it's exact words but it made hardly any sense..
> English Signs Abroad
> Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
> discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E'
> for Effort.
etc..
You forgot the Special Reserve free dance mat instructions. Can't remember it's exact words but it made hardly any sense..
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
To get to the other side!
How you know when you are addicted to FOG forums...
1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check if you've got any replies to your post.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in university/college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your letters.
6. You find yourself typing "com" constantly after every word when you are writing something.com
7. When your message has no replies and you feel really depressed.
8. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends on the forums because they have totally gender unrelated screen names and you never bothered to ask.
9. Your family always knows where you are.
10. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,LOL" and get stared at strangely.
11. You complain to your teacher about how you didn't get a game for your most recent homework and only got an A.
12. You are reading this now, and it happens to be 10pm on a Friday/Saturday night.
1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check if you've got any replies to your post.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in university/college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your letters.
6. You find yourself typing "com" constantly after every word when you are writing something.com
7. When your message has no replies and you feel really depressed.
8. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends on the forums because they have totally gender unrelated screen names and you never bothered to ask.
9. Your family always knows where you are.
10. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,LOL" and get stared at strangely.
11. You complain to your teacher about how you didn't get a game for your most recent homework and only got an A.
12. You are reading this now, and it happens to be 10pm on a Friday/Saturday night.
Rakuga wrote:
> FHM weren't it?
I dunno, like I said, ive only just heard it.
> Hercules gets award for oldest joke ;-)
Yay!
:D
> FHM weren't it?
I dunno, like I said, ive only just heard it.
> Hercules gets award for oldest joke ;-)
Yay!
:D
English Signs Abroad
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own asss?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own asss?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
There was a kid called zipolvic(zip) A kid called Peter(pee) and a kid called william (Willy)
All of the kid were in trouble and had to hide quickly because there teacher was coming. Willy hid in the cupboard, Zip hid on top of the cupboard and (pee) hid next to the cupboard.
The teacher stormed in and shouted
"Zip down, Willy out and pee in the corner"
All of the kid were in trouble and had to hide quickly because there teacher was coming. Willy hid in the cupboard, Zip hid on top of the cupboard and (pee) hid next to the cupboard.
The teacher stormed in and shouted
"Zip down, Willy out and pee in the corner"
You are stranded on a desert island with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and Bill Gates, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot Bill Gates... twice.
Shoot Bill Gates... twice.
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