Viewing Thread:
"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Why did everyone like the mushroom?
He was a fungi to be with!

Two burglars were in an apartment when the burgular alarm went off. One said to the other, "We'll have to jump out the window!"
The other said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!"
The first replied, "Now's not the time to be superstitious!"

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire straits. His business has gone bust
and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides
to ask God for help. He begins to pray... ... God, please help me, I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well, please let me win the lottery.

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...... God,
please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm
going to lose my car as well.

Lottery night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... ...
My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and
I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the
lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order ...

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is
confronted by the voice of GOD himself: ... JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS
ONE ... BUY A F--KING TICKET!

An elderly gentleman was completely deaf much of his life, but eventually technology meant that his doctor was able to operate and restore his hearing almost 100%.
During a checkup the doctor said, "Your hearing is near perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet, but I have changed my will three times!"

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further
unless you are sitting down ... OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when
it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and
only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by
an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the
exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests,
and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my
daily penicillin injections.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind,
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of
teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat
darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family
background is good, too; I am told that his father is a important
gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to
know : There was NO dormitory fire, I did NOT have a concussion or skull
fracture, I was NOT in the hospital, I am NOT pregnant, I am NOT engaged,
I do NOT have syphilis, and there is NO man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted
you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Chelsea

Skoda jokes:
What do you call a skoda that can go up steep hills?
Lucky

What do you call a skoda that can get into the fifth gear?
A miracle!

What do you call a skoda with a convertible roof?
A skip

What do you call an average skoda?
Scrap

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them is known
as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical
(SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives
at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down........

What's grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the pi$s?

A kidney dialysis machine.....

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front
of the mirror, looking at herself,asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror,
now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the
husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long
will this take?" she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years," he
replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your asss, didn't it?"

He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might even walk again.....

In New Zealand, Maori's (The native NZ people) are dissed how Gypsy's and Pakistani's are in England.

Reference: Winston Peters is the leader of the 'New Zealand First' political party, and he is a Maori (ie. NZ's smartest Maori)...


...


A priest, a schoolgirl and Winston Peters were travelling together in a small domestic aeroplane. It was all going well, and they were nearing their destination when the pilot came through into the cabin and told them all
"I'm afraid the fuel tank has sprung a leak and we've got no fuel left. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes so one of us will have to go without."

Well, Winston Peters would have none of this, and he said
"I'm New Zealand's smartest Maori. If anybody deserves to live, its me."
So Winston Peters grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The pilot then said
"I have to live to fly another day, I can't go down with the plane"
And he grabbed a parachute and jumped out.

The priest then turned to the little girl and said to her
"You have your whole life ahead of you, so you should take the last parachute instead of me."
The little girl smiled, and spoke back to the priest
"Don't worry, there are enough parachutes for both of us."
"How's that?" The priest replied
"Well," The schoolgirl said, "New Zealand's smartest Maori just jumped off the plane with my schoolbag"