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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
Only in the UK
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."
He won the case.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."
He won the case.
DIARY OF AN AMERICA ONLINE USER:
July 18
I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22
I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.
July 25
That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26
What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27
The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29
I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30
These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31
I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1
I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2
I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3
I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4
THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5
SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6
SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7
Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9
I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12
I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13
I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14
Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
July 18
I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22
I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.
July 25
That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26
What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27
The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29
I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30
These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31
I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1
I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2
I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3
I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4
THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5
SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6
SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7
Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9
I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12
I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13
I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14
Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife.
The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
-------------------------
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
-----------------------------
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
------------------------------
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while.
Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing.
The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "Not if you go at night. DUH!"
------------------------------
All the toilet seats mysteriously disappeared from the Police station last night.
The Police have nothing to go on!
------------------------------
The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
-------------------------
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
-----------------------------
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
------------------------------
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while.
Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing.
The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "Not if you go at night. DUH!"
------------------------------
All the toilet seats mysteriously disappeared from the Police station last night.
The Police have nothing to go on!
------------------------------
Real Laws
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. [SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. [SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
"Build a man a fire, and he`ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he`ll be warm for the rest of his life." Terry Pratchett, Jingo
Book titles:
How to ski by Tereesa cominatme
Jumping off cliffs by Hugo first
How to fall off chairs by Eilleen Dover and Phill Down
Perving by I.C.U.P
How to ski by Tereesa cominatme
Jumping off cliffs by Hugo first
How to fall off chairs by Eilleen Dover and Phill Down
Perving by I.C.U.P
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals and thrown into a pot over a fire. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh.
The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A vicar and a man were playing golf together. the man (who wasn't very good at golf shouted,
"Damn! I missed!"
every time he missed a shot but the vicar just raised an eyebrow and played on, Until, it got to much for him and he shouted at the man,
"If you keep using language like that the lord will strike you down"
The man payed no attention and he missed again, shouting
"Damn I missed!"
Suddenly the sky got covered with clouds and a bolt of lighting struck the vicar. Then a booming voice came out the clouds and shouted,
"Damn I missed!"
"Damn! I missed!"
every time he missed a shot but the vicar just raised an eyebrow and played on, Until, it got to much for him and he shouted at the man,
"If you keep using language like that the lord will strike you down"
The man payed no attention and he missed again, shouting
"Damn I missed!"
Suddenly the sky got covered with clouds and a bolt of lighting struck the vicar. Then a booming voice came out the clouds and shouted,
"Damn I missed!"
A bear was chasing a rabbit and kicking it up the backside shouting "SHE WAS MY GIRL NOT YOURS!" (like they do) when the bear tripped over an object pointing out the ground. After further investigation he discovered it was a magic lamp in which a magic genie lived. Like they do, the magic genie told the bear and the rabbit he would each give them three wishes.
The bear made sure he got his wish first, and blurted out "I wish all the bears in the forest were sexy females! The genie clicked his fingers, there was a "POOF!" and it was done.
The rabbit who was carefully thinking then calmly asked for a motorcycle helmet. The bear and genie looked at him strangely (for he could have asked for loads of money and got the helmet). Nevertheless the genie clicked his fingers and in a "POOF!" the rabbit had got his helmet.
Then the bear blurted out "ACTUALLY I WISH THAT ALL THE BEARS IN THIS COUNTRY WERE SEXY FEMALES!" and it was done (with a "POOF!". The bear was obviously getting quite thrilled now with this prospect that all the bears in the country would be babes and surely queuing up for him.
Then the rabbit asked for a "motorcycle". Again, the genie and bear looked strangely at him, but with a "POOF!" a motorcycle appeared.
The bear now getting quite greedy changed his mind again and asked that all the bears in the whole wild world were sexy females... and with a "POOF!" it was done.
The rabbit had in this time put his helmet on his head and was climbing on to his motorbike. He started to rev his engine. The genie reminded him he had one more wish. The rabbit revved it several more times, than he turned his head, an evil grin filling his face. "I wish that the bear was a raving homosexual". The rabbit suddenly pushed his foot down on the accelerator and sped off, and with a "POOF!" there was a "poof" who lived in a world where there were only female bears....
The bear made sure he got his wish first, and blurted out "I wish all the bears in the forest were sexy females! The genie clicked his fingers, there was a "POOF!" and it was done.
The rabbit who was carefully thinking then calmly asked for a motorcycle helmet. The bear and genie looked at him strangely (for he could have asked for loads of money and got the helmet). Nevertheless the genie clicked his fingers and in a "POOF!" the rabbit had got his helmet.
Then the bear blurted out "ACTUALLY I WISH THAT ALL THE BEARS IN THIS COUNTRY WERE SEXY FEMALES!" and it was done (with a "POOF!". The bear was obviously getting quite thrilled now with this prospect that all the bears in the country would be babes and surely queuing up for him.
Then the rabbit asked for a "motorcycle". Again, the genie and bear looked strangely at him, but with a "POOF!" a motorcycle appeared.
The bear now getting quite greedy changed his mind again and asked that all the bears in the whole wild world were sexy females... and with a "POOF!" it was done.
The rabbit had in this time put his helmet on his head and was climbing on to his motorbike. He started to rev his engine. The genie reminded him he had one more wish. The rabbit revved it several more times, than he turned his head, an evil grin filling his face. "I wish that the bear was a raving homosexual". The rabbit suddenly pushed his foot down on the accelerator and sped off, and with a "POOF!" there was a "poof" who lived in a world where there were only female bears....
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I used to be a bartender at the Priory.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I used to be a bartender at the Priory.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
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