Viewing Thread:
"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

0-MessiaH-0 wrote:
> Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee:

Yes, that's right, this is from another topic. Can't remember if it was your topic or not, but it is from another one. Because I remember reading it today. And laughing :)

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"

George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"

Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."

George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."

Osama asks, "And what do they say?"

George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


---------


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

My friend has got a flute he plays it like TOOT TOOT!
He always eats big red shiny apples and Chewable watch straps

______________
And I win the award for telling a joke which isn't a joke
:D

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee:

Ridge hall computer assistance; may I help you?
- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect.
What sort of trouble?
- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away?
- They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
- It's blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?
- How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
- What's a see-prompt?
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
- There isnt any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator?
- What's a monitor?
Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you that its on?
- I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
- Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
- Yes, it is.
When you where behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
- No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
- Okay here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.
- I cant reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
- No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.
Dark?
- Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
- I can't.
No? Why not?
- Because there's a power failure.
A power... a power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packaging stuff your computer came in?
- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it from.
- Really? Is it that bad?
Yes Im afraid it is.
- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them that your too ****ing stupid to own a computer."

A man walked into a bar. Ouch.

Why is Ronaldino so good at making love?
Because he lobbed Seaman from over 40 yards.

Jim and Bob walked into their local pub one Friday night. After half an hour, a man walked into the bar, and came right up to where they were standing. In a quiet voice, he asked Jim and Bob if they wanted to see something special. Slightly tipsy or perhaps just out of their senses, they agreed. The man took them outside into an alley, and from his deep heavy coat, pulled a man no taller than one foot high, and a tiny piano. He set them down on the alley floor, and the man started playing the piano.

After a riveting performance, the man put the piano and pianist away, and said "Well, what do you think". Jim and Bob were stunned. "Where did you get HIM from?" they asked in unison.
"Well," the beggar replied "I was walking along the beach one day when I stumbled upon a lamp. I was feeling lucky, so I rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie! He told me that he would grant me any one wish which I desired."

"So here I am today with my twelve inch pianist" The beggar said. "Its not my fault the genie was hard of hearing."

There was a cactus called Bob who was 10 years old and a cactus called Jim who was Bobs dad and he was 40 years old. There family business was making ties.
One day Bob went to school wearing one of the ties he made but everyone made fun of him. Why?

Because Bob and Jim both made a cacti!

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night. The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered.
I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration. "Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your a§s, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."

A kindergarden child was sitting at his desk making funny faces at anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly, "Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick that way."
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you learned the hard way."

-----

Now THAT's old.

:D