Viewing Thread:
"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Tony - this is a joke, a joke, only a joke. It is not intended to annoy you and if it does pleeeeease don't ban me. In fact, if it annoys you, replace your name with somebody else's :D.

Last night I had a dream, a terrible dream. I dreamt I was beyond the gates of Hell; it was a place of fire and torture, exquisitely ghastly. I was very frightened and I said to one of the demon guards, "Is there any way out of here?" And he said there was only one, and no one had ever achieved the task set. He led me to a dungeon, and through a narrow grille I saw the most loathsome woman. She was leprous, with weeping sores, toothless and old beyond time. Maggots crawled in what was left of her hair. The guard said, "If you can make love to her all night, you will be allowed to leave." And, you know, I was prepared to have a try. But as I stepped forward I saw a second door, and I glanced through. And you know what I saw? I saw you. You were making love to one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. So I said to the guard, "Why is it that I have to bed a crone, when Tony gets a beauty?" "Well," he said, " 'tis only fair that the women also have a chance to get out."

Heh heh. I posted this ages and ages and AGES ago in the 'stories' forum. Hope you didn't take it the wrong way ;-)

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the United States National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of approximately $1 million.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

A man had broken all of his fingers and had gone to the doctor:

man:I'm really worried will I be able to play the piano when my fingers heal?

Doctor:Yes of course and anything else you could do before.

man:Wow you must be good because I couldn't play the piano before.

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

CDouch wrote:

> And Tom wins the award for most obvious cheater as RM18 already posted
> this one.

Meh. I didn't look back through the other posts. And it isn't cheating, it's hardly like everyone here made up their *own* jokes. Tony didn't say we couldn't get them off websites.

Thanks for the award! Looks damn great on my desk right here, next to the unsportsmanship award.

CDouch wrote:

> And Tom wins the award for most obvious cheater as RM18 already posted
> this one.

------

Nah,
RM18 is the cheater for getting it first.
Tom is the cheating cheater that got it second.

:D

What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
Dinner at Hooters.

Tóm wrote:
> How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

And Tom wins the award for most obvious cheater as RM18 already posted this one.

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.