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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Im a skitzofrenic (sp?)
And so am I
Violets are blue
Im a skitzofrenic (sp?)
And so am I
Oops, I forgot to actually wish you a Happy Birthday...hehe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY! Don't do anything I...would.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY! Don't do anything I...would.
A duck waddles into a courtroom, and stands in front of the judge.
"What are you doing here?" asks the judge.
"Well, my name's Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge looks confused, seeing this duck in his courtroom, but nods and waves him to the bench...when the doors open again, and another duck waddles down.
"Another duck? What are YOU here for?"
"Sir, my name's Quack Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge is even more confused now, seeing two ducks in his court, up for trial...but then, a third duck waddles down in front of him.
"Hello. My name is Quack Quack Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge can't believe his eyes. He stares at the three ducks, when...you guessed it, a fourth waddles down.
"Let me guess," the judge says. "You're Quack Quack Quack Quack, and you were arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond, just like the other three..."
The duck burst into tears.
"No...I'm Bubbles."
"What are you doing here?" asks the judge.
"Well, my name's Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge looks confused, seeing this duck in his courtroom, but nods and waves him to the bench...when the doors open again, and another duck waddles down.
"Another duck? What are YOU here for?"
"Sir, my name's Quack Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge is even more confused now, seeing two ducks in his court, up for trial...but then, a third duck waddles down in front of him.
"Hello. My name is Quack Quack Quack, and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge can't believe his eyes. He stares at the three ducks, when...you guessed it, a fourth waddles down.
"Let me guess," the judge says. "You're Quack Quack Quack Quack, and you were arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond, just like the other three..."
The duck burst into tears.
"No...I'm Bubbles."
Continuing the football theme...
What is Emile Heskey's best position?
Left-back in the changing room.
(P.S. Ant, can you go on MSN a sec? Chheers.)
What is Emile Heskey's best position?
Left-back in the changing room.
(P.S. Ant, can you go on MSN a sec? Chheers.)
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but some boxer shorts made out of cling film. "What's wrong with me?!" he asks...
"Well, anyone can clearly see you're nuts."
"Well, anyone can clearly see you're nuts."
I'm afraid I will have to fill this topic with crappy one-liner jokes.
Why aren't Vampires very good goalkeepers?
Because they can't handle crosses.
Why aren't Vampires very good goalkeepers?
Because they can't handle crosses.
"A Horoscope For The Workplace"
ASTROLOGY:
tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
ASTROLOGY:
tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE:
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
Vampiro wrote:
> Isn't that a bit contradictory? First you say you weren't going for
> the GAD, then you say you were just trying to win a game by doing what
> he asked for (albeit in poor grammar)
-------
Or its just something called a 'typo'. Look at what I said.
".....just like what he asked for and wast just trying to win a game"
Find the missing letter?
".....just like what he asked for and wasNt just trying to win a game"
Ok?
Happy now?
> Isn't that a bit contradictory? First you say you weren't going for
> the GAD, then you say you were just trying to win a game by doing what
> he asked for (albeit in poor grammar)
-------
Or its just something called a 'typo'. Look at what I said.
".....just like what he asked for and wast just trying to win a game"
Find the missing letter?
".....just like what he asked for and wasNt just trying to win a game"
Ok?
Happy now?
Speed Holes make Your car go faster
> Isn't that a bit contradictory? First you say you weren't going for
> the GAD, then you say you were just trying to win a game by doing what
> he asked for (albeit in poor grammar)
Well actually, I think he meant to say "I wasn't just...."
Only he typed it wrong. Silly people ;-)
Ah well,
See Ya ;-)
PinkPig
> the GAD, then you say you were just trying to win a game by doing what
> he asked for (albeit in poor grammar)
Well actually, I think he meant to say "I wasn't just...."
Only he typed it wrong. Silly people ;-)
Ah well,
See Ya ;-)
PinkPig
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