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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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It was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning outside the pub...
An Irishman (Pat, of course) wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street; onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub, hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other...
A small crowd begins to grow and, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "sshumbody stoll me car!"
"Well now, lad," the constable inquires. "Where was your car last time you saw it?"
Waiving his hand in the air in front of him, as if to put it into the ignition, the Irishman "Wey, it was at the eind of me key." At about this time the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down -- and it all there to be seen..., so he quietly asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "OOH ME GOD... they got me girl too!!!"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye.
An Irishman (Pat, of course) wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street; onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub, hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other...
A small crowd begins to grow and, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "sshumbody stoll me car!"
"Well now, lad," the constable inquires. "Where was your car last time you saw it?"
Waiving his hand in the air in front of him, as if to put it into the ignition, the Irishman "Wey, it was at the eind of me key." At about this time the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down -- and it all there to be seen..., so he quietly asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "OOH ME GOD... they got me girl too!!!"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye.
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: "You take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, andyou will die." The man did as he was told, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the HELL were you when I got married!!!?"
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this." The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like urine," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk
"Now, how old am I?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the HELL were you when I got married!!!?"
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this." The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like urine," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk
"Now, how old am I?"
In the Saraha Desert, a competition is being held to see how long 3 men can survive there, with just 1 item each. Chosen are an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman.
The start of the contest is being broadcasted on television, and the 3 men are asked what items they brought and why. The journalist steps up to the Englishman.
"I brought a bottle of water, for without water we cannot survive!"
Next the Scotsman.
"I brought a packet of biscuits, for without food we cannot survive!"
And the Irishman.
"I brought a car door."
The journalist looks confused. "And why did you bring that?"
"When it's hot, we can open the window."
The start of the contest is being broadcasted on television, and the 3 men are asked what items they brought and why. The journalist steps up to the Englishman.
"I brought a bottle of water, for without water we cannot survive!"
Next the Scotsman.
"I brought a packet of biscuits, for without food we cannot survive!"
And the Irishman.
"I brought a car door."
The journalist looks confused. "And why did you bring that?"
"When it's hot, we can open the window."
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his
way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says,
feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to
which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at
the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the
man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at
McDonalds."
Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo Jon was the first one there. On arrival he was told that the
gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.
Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining visitors, lying about in the sun,it was perfect.....
Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two
lions growling fiercely and ran to the fence and screamed for help. Then as he turned back to face the lions one
said, "If you don't stop screaming and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his
wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go
home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four!""
way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says,
feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to
which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at
the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the
man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at
McDonalds."
Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo Jon was the first one there. On arrival he was told that the
gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.
Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining visitors, lying about in the sun,it was perfect.....
Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two
lions growling fiercely and ran to the fence and screamed for help. Then as he turned back to face the lions one
said, "If you don't stop screaming and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his
wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go
home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four!""
Two blondes were going to Disneyland on holiday when they came to a sign in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
:)
So they went home.
:)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes he starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...but on the
back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over
and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says
"You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular." The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible" says the bartender, "I would
never have believed it!" "Yeah" said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the
way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes
into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet
paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my God!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you" Are you hurt?" The guy
casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over
and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says
"You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular." The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible" says the bartender, "I would
never have believed it!" "Yeah" said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the
way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20
minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes
into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet
paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my God!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you" Are you hurt?" The guy
casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
An ordinary man is driving his car to the shops on Sunday, at about 1:00, when he suddenly realises he's forgotten to go to church, for the 3rd week in a row! How did he realise this? He had just passed the church, you see. He also saw the priest walking along, and felt oblidged to give the poor old man a lift.
As the man drove along, suddenly, he saw a lawyer on the side, and immediatly went for him, but then remembered that he was in the presence of the priest, so he quickly swerved to the side, dodging him. But as he turned around, he saw that the lawyer was lying dead in the middle of the road.
"But father-" he said. "I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry," the priest replied, "I got him with the back door!"
As the man drove along, suddenly, he saw a lawyer on the side, and immediatly went for him, but then remembered that he was in the presence of the priest, so he quickly swerved to the side, dodging him. But as he turned around, he saw that the lawyer was lying dead in the middle of the road.
"But father-" he said. "I didn't mean to-"
"Don't worry," the priest replied, "I got him with the back door!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
("I don't know!")
Answer: His lips are moving.
("I don't know!")
Answer: His lips are moving.
An Irishman walks into a bar, but, for some reason, there is a tin of baked beans on his head. The bartender notices this.
"Excuse me, but... Why is there a tin of baked beans on your head?"
"Well, you see," the Irishman replies, "Every Tuesday I always walk around with a tin of baked beans on my head."
"Erm, it's Wednesday...."
"Oh no! I must look like a total moron!"
"Excuse me, but... Why is there a tin of baked beans on your head?"
"Well, you see," the Irishman replies, "Every Tuesday I always walk around with a tin of baked beans on my head."
"Erm, it's Wednesday...."
"Oh no! I must look like a total moron!"
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