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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Fart Glossary
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your bum.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your bum is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your bum.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your bum is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''
So the surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."
''Why,'' asked the nurse.
"Well," replied the surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Then, the surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''
So the surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."
''Why,'' asked the nurse.
"Well," replied the surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
What Men Want
1) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
2) Vitamin fortified cigars.
3) Public beer fountains.
4) Kitty catapults.
5) All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
6) Wet T-shirt Fridays.
7) Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
8) Rocket boots.
9) Machine gun camp.
10) NASA space shuttle races.
11) Sledgehammer boxing.
12) Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
13) Congressional pie fights.
14) Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
15) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
16) Tomahawk missile surf boards.
17) Hot tub jury boxes.
18) Nacho cheese lipstick.
19) Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
20) New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
21) 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
22) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
23) Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
24) Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
25) Beef jerky business cards.
26) Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
27) National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
28) Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of "bums".
29) Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
30) Karaoke "ejector" stages.
31) Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
32) The Astronaut Reserves.
33) Porno without all the "talking" filler.
34) Head banging elevated to "fine art".
35) All money spent on women tax deductible!
36) Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
37) Passports to Margaritaville.
38) The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
39) One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
1) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
2) Vitamin fortified cigars.
3) Public beer fountains.
4) Kitty catapults.
5) All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
6) Wet T-shirt Fridays.
7) Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
8) Rocket boots.
9) Machine gun camp.
10) NASA space shuttle races.
11) Sledgehammer boxing.
12) Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
13) Congressional pie fights.
14) Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
15) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
16) Tomahawk missile surf boards.
17) Hot tub jury boxes.
18) Nacho cheese lipstick.
19) Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
20) New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
21) 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
22) More beer. More cheese. More sex.
23) Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
24) Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
25) Beef jerky business cards.
26) Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
27) National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
28) Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of "bums".
29) Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
30) Karaoke "ejector" stages.
31) Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
32) The Astronaut Reserves.
33) Porno without all the "talking" filler.
34) Head banging elevated to "fine art".
35) All money spent on women tax deductible!
36) Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
37) Passports to Margaritaville.
38) The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
39) One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
How do you make huge stores of fat attractive?
Stick a nipple on.
Stick a nipple on.
What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
The hide and seek champion of 1989!
:)
The hide and seek champion of 1989!
:)
Hey Tony, what's the difference between a post box and Mr Snuggly's bum?
Well if you don't know, make sure somebody else posts all my orders from now on.
=D
Well if you don't know, make sure somebody else posts all my orders from now on.
=D
Did you hear the one about the insomniac philosophiser with dyslexia?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
Drug Used to Seduce Men
Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
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