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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Joke: Stryke.

Now that's funny!

**Kerrang!** wrote:
> SWANDAHHHHHHHHH wrote:
> What goes 'scrape scrape scrape' and tickles?
>
> An abortion.
>
> ?

-----

S'ok, never mind him, just being evil he is.

Sick.

SWANDAHHHHHHHHH wrote:
> What goes 'scrape scrape scrape' and tickles?
>
> An abortion.

?

An inflatable boy walks into an inflatable school with a pin...

He gets sent to the headteacher who says:

"Not only have you let yourself down but you have let the school down too"

Jeez...I think the closing date should be made the 5th July, or something...look how many pages there are already!

A blonde woman was pregenant once, with twins, actually. But she was worried, for she didn't want her little boys to be naughty like their father. She saw a doctor about this, and was told to take 2 pills a week. Being the ignorant, she decided to take 2 a day, and after a week, 10 a day, in the hope that she would have the nicest boys in the world.

A few months went. No twins.

A few years went. No twins.

50 years went, and still no twins.

After the blonde's death, doctor's decided to see why the twins had never come out, and they opened her up. They saw two gentleman sitting there, and this is what they said....

"After you."

"No, after you."

"No, I insist......."

Brazil won the world cup.


Thats my joke.

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick-knife

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"