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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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1) A man and a monkey walk into a bar.
So much for evolution.
2) Why did Gary Glitte get sacked as the England manager?
He tried to put Seaman in the U15's squad.
3) What's the difference between a Peadophile (sp?) and Acne?
Acne waits until you are 13 before it comes on your face (please don't ban me: ))
4) Hwat do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug
5) what do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglass
So much for evolution.
2) Why did Gary Glitte get sacked as the England manager?
He tried to put Seaman in the U15's squad.
3) What's the difference between a Peadophile (sp?) and Acne?
Acne waits until you are 13 before it comes on your face (please don't ban me: ))
4) Hwat do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug
5) what do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglass
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
Book titles:
Seaside resorts by Rhoda Donkey
Why your trousers fall down by Lucy Lastic
The garlic eater by I.Malone
Shipwreck! by Mandy Lifeboats
Igloo building by S.Keemo
Pick up litter by Phil D Basket
Megabytes by Amos Keeter
Simple food by Roland Butter
Fitting carpets by Walter Wall
Please Come by Maud D Merrier
Packed Lunches by Sam Widge
Sharing chocolate by Ken I havesome
Your money or your life by Stan Den Deliver
My life as an estate agent by I. Con Allday
Seaside resorts by Rhoda Donkey
Why your trousers fall down by Lucy Lastic
The garlic eater by I.Malone
Shipwreck! by Mandy Lifeboats
Igloo building by S.Keemo
Pick up litter by Phil D Basket
Megabytes by Amos Keeter
Simple food by Roland Butter
Fitting carpets by Walter Wall
Please Come by Maud D Merrier
Packed Lunches by Sam Widge
Sharing chocolate by Ken I havesome
Your money or your life by Stan Den Deliver
My life as an estate agent by I. Con Allday
There were three blondes on a desert island. They all had one wish each. Blonde number one rubbed the magic lamp that contained her wish. "What is your wish?" "I wish I could be 25% brainy." She then turned into a brunette, and swam across the ocean. Blonde number two rubbed the magic lamp. "What is you wish?" I wish I could be 50% brainy." She then turned in a black haired woman. She built a raft, and got across that way. The third blonde rubbed the lamp. "What is your wish?" "I wish I was 100% brainy." She then turned into a man, and walked across the footbridge.
:-D
:-D
Right, I used my time machine and went into the future and recovered Tony's secret diary thingy.
Here's what he had to say for the 18th of July.
-------
18th of July - 2002
Two weeks ago was my fiftieth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, schroeder, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then schroeder knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.
-------
Tony, you disgrace me!
Tut tut!
;D
Here's what he had to say for the 18th of July.
-------
18th of July - 2002
Two weeks ago was my fiftieth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, schroeder, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then schroeder knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.
-------
Tony, you disgrace me!
Tut tut!
;D
How come the The Teddy Bear didn't finish its picnic?
It was stuffed.
It was stuffed.
There were three pieces of string who all wanted a pint of beer (as they do).
One of the pieces of string walked into the bar and asked for a pint of bitter
and the barman said
"Sorry we don't serve pieces of string"
So the second piece of string walked in and asked for a pint of bitter but the barman said,
"sorry we don't serve pieces of string"
So the third piece of string spent the next hour trying to tie a knot in himself and this took quite a long time because he was old and frayed. Finally, he walked into the bar and the barman said,
"Didn't you here what I said to the other two pieces of string?"
The piece of string replied,
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
One of the pieces of string walked into the bar and asked for a pint of bitter
and the barman said
"Sorry we don't serve pieces of string"
So the second piece of string walked in and asked for a pint of bitter but the barman said,
"sorry we don't serve pieces of string"
So the third piece of string spent the next hour trying to tie a knot in himself and this took quite a long time because he was old and frayed. Finally, he walked into the bar and the barman said,
"Didn't you here what I said to the other two pieces of string?"
The piece of string replied,
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
A man is in a bar talking to his friend about his day on ther farm.
"Well i was milking the cow" says the farmer "and i filled up the bucket. But when i finished she kicked it over wid her right leg, so i tied up her right leg. Then milked her again. But when i finished she knocked it over wid her left leg. So i tied up her left leg"
"Yeah" says his friend
"And then" continues the farmer "i milked her again but she knocked over the bucket with her tail. So i took off my belt and beat across the back and tied her tail back with my belt. Then my trousers fell down and my wife came out. Any some things you cant explain"
THE-END
"Well i was milking the cow" says the farmer "and i filled up the bucket. But when i finished she kicked it over wid her right leg, so i tied up her right leg. Then milked her again. But when i finished she knocked it over wid her left leg. So i tied up her left leg"
"Yeah" says his friend
"And then" continues the farmer "i milked her again but she knocked over the bucket with her tail. So i took off my belt and beat across the back and tied her tail back with my belt. Then my trousers fell down and my wife came out. Any some things you cant explain"
THE-END
How do you spell idiot with one letter?
U
_________________________
No offense!
U
_________________________
No offense!
How do you confuse an idiot?
Thirty six
Thirty six
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