The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
Enid, Mavis and Maud were all on a trip through the Sahara in their own 4x4. However, their supplies had ran out quicker than they expected leaving them with only a bag of flour.
Mavis told the other two ladies, "We can't survive for much longer without something to eat. Our energy's low, let's try and make some bread with this flour in the hope we can make it to civilisation soon!"
Enid then replied, "How are we going to do that, we haven't got any water!"
Maud suggested, "We'll have to p*ss on the flour, it's the only way!"
So they dug a hole in the sand and poured some flour in.
Enid decided to ave a go first...she positioned herself over the flour, crouching and pushed as hard as she could. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't produce a drop!
Mavis decided to have a go next. She crouched and positioned herself carefully, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed til she went blue in the face, and still she couldn't produce a single drop.
It was all up to maud now. She got herself ready and pushed as hard as she could. Nothing happened so she pushed even harder! And again harder until she thought something was coming....
She farted and the flour went everywhere making her as white as a ghost...
The others p*ssed themselves laughing!
Mavis told the other two ladies, "We can't survive for much longer without something to eat. Our energy's low, let's try and make some bread with this flour in the hope we can make it to civilisation soon!"
Enid then replied, "How are we going to do that, we haven't got any water!"
Maud suggested, "We'll have to p*ss on the flour, it's the only way!"
So they dug a hole in the sand and poured some flour in.
Enid decided to ave a go first...she positioned herself over the flour, crouching and pushed as hard as she could. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't produce a drop!
Mavis decided to have a go next. She crouched and positioned herself carefully, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed til she went blue in the face, and still she couldn't produce a single drop.
It was all up to maud now. She got herself ready and pushed as hard as she could. Nothing happened so she pushed even harder! And again harder until she thought something was coming....
She farted and the flour went everywhere making her as white as a ghost...
The others p*ssed themselves laughing!
This is a little rude, but here goes...
How do you the know the council designed the woman's body?
Only the council would put a play area right next to a s**thole.
How do you the know the council designed the woman's body?
Only the council would put a play area right next to a s**thole.
Tony wrote:
> er-no wrote:
> Hercules! wrote:
> I work for SR......
>
> *cough cough*
>
> ;D
>
> I won't even make up a new company you work for using those letters.
> Its too tempting.
>
>
> That'll have to be the next EXTRA GAD
I made an EXTRA GAD. Everyone else stop trying :P
> er-no wrote:
> Hercules! wrote:
> I work for SR......
>
> *cough cough*
>
> ;D
>
> I won't even make up a new company you work for using those letters.
> Its too tempting.
>
>
> That'll have to be the next EXTRA GAD
I made an EXTRA GAD. Everyone else stop trying :P
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a*shole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a*shole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
There was a Scottish man, an Irish man and an English man, and one day they came across a magic slide that if you went down it and shouted out anything in the world you would land in that thing, so the Scottish man went down the slide and shouted lager and he landed in a pool of lager, the Irish man went down and shouted money and he landed in a pool of money and then the English man went down the slide and shouted wee wee and landed in a pool of wee wee!
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
"I Can Tell This Job Sucks Already"
Tony (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Tony: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Tony (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Tony: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"
Three nuns died in a car crash. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told them that because each of them were strong believers in their religion, to get into heaven they had to each answer a question. Once right they could live in eternal happiness.
St. Peter asked the first nun "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun replied with 'Adam' and the gates opened for her.
St. Peter asked the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?"
The nun thought this was easy and said "Eve" and the gates opened for her.
St. Peter then asked the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
To which she replied, "My, that is a hard one..." and the gates opened.
St. Peter asked the first nun "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun replied with 'Adam' and the gates opened for her.
St. Peter asked the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?"
The nun thought this was easy and said "Eve" and the gates opened for her.
St. Peter then asked the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
To which she replied, "My, that is a hard one..." and the gates opened.
Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Page: