The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman sauys:
"Is this some sort of joke?"
-----------------------------------
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
"Is this some sort of joke?"
-----------------------------------
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a birthday present. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there was something he could help her with. "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a frog?" said the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives b******s."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.
She gets up to go see what's going on and, when she gets to the kitchen, she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is out of here!"
"$50.00? For a frog?" said the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives b******s."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.
She gets up to go see what's going on and, when she gets to the kitchen, she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is out of here!"
Do these jokes have to be orthodox one liners, or lengthier ones like Herc just did? Or either sort?
"New Rules For Employment"
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management
--------
Go on Tony, use 'em.
Apart from the $ bits...... just change those to £
Sorted.
:D
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management
--------
Go on Tony, use 'em.
Apart from the $ bits...... just change those to £
Sorted.
:D
Three nuns were talking. "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and I found a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"I threw them in the trash, of course!".
The second nun said "I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and found a bunch of condoms!"
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in them"
''Oh, crap,'' said the third nun.
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"I threw them in the trash, of course!".
The second nun said "I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and found a bunch of condoms!"
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in them"
''Oh, crap,'' said the third nun.
Why did the truck cross the road? Because the chicken was driving it. If I keep doing this you'll give me the EEGAD just to shut up :-D
The pain of bad jokes...
The pain of bad jokes...
Who owns the best garage in Egypt? TutanCARMAN. Ho, ho, ho.
Damn, I need to think of some jokes...
Damn, I need to think of some jokes...
Two Irish guys go to sign up for the I.R.A.
The Corporal pulls out one of the Irish guys and throws him in a room...
"I want you to take this gun, and shoot your friend in the face" the Corporal says bluntly.
"What?! I can't shoot my best friend..."
"...You're no use to me then, get out my sight!"
The Irish guy takes a sigh, picks up the gun and walks in the room.
"Atta boy!" the Corporal shouts.
Around five minutes later there is a lot of bumps and crashes then the Corporal hears two gun shots.
"Well done son, you're in the I.R.A - Congrats!"
"I also forgot to tell you the bullets are blanks, your friend is fine. But at least you prooved to me that you can cope with it, well done again"
"Uh, I knew the bullets were blank. I shot him and he didn't do anything so I killed the bloody b*stard with a chair!"
The Corporal pulls out one of the Irish guys and throws him in a room...
"I want you to take this gun, and shoot your friend in the face" the Corporal says bluntly.
"What?! I can't shoot my best friend..."
"...You're no use to me then, get out my sight!"
The Irish guy takes a sigh, picks up the gun and walks in the room.
"Atta boy!" the Corporal shouts.
Around five minutes later there is a lot of bumps and crashes then the Corporal hears two gun shots.
"Well done son, you're in the I.R.A - Congrats!"
"I also forgot to tell you the bullets are blanks, your friend is fine. But at least you prooved to me that you can cope with it, well done again"
"Uh, I knew the bullets were blank. I shot him and he didn't do anything so I killed the bloody b*stard with a chair!"
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
Page: