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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Self-Explanatory

An Irishman walks out of a bar......

...::JOKE::...

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?




Wave.

Did you hear about the baby-boom in Brazil?

It's all because they can lob Seaman from 35 yards!

What's the fastest thing on two legs?

Jesus running through ethiopia sayin' "I'm the bread of life!"

...::FUN SONG::...

Fatty and skinny went to bed,
Fatty rolled over and skinny was dead!

"Signs You are Growing Older"

1) You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
2) You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
3) You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
4) Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
5) Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
6) The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
7) A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
8) You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
9) You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10) All the names in your little black book end with MD.
11) You often start sentences with "Back in my day..."
12) You start mumbling on about things totally irrelevent to what is being said.

a blonde and two brunetts are in a lift, all pregant, one brunett says

"i am going to have a boy as i concieved while on the bottom!"

The other one says

" i am having a girl as i concieved while on top"

The blonde turns around and says
" Oh sh*t i am going to have a puppy!"

"Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters"

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first beau came to the door and said,

''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No."

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer.

''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.