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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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what do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant
Pregnant
"Cows In Government"
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Sir Auron, that was crap...
-----------------
Two elephants and a pair of symbols fall off of a cliff...
Boom Boom Tsh
-----------------
Two elephants and a pair of symbols fall off of a cliff...
Boom Boom Tsh
A man goes up to his wife and says
"i know you have had another affair, if you have one more i will pull your pubes out, one by one!"
*The man goes off to work*
The milkman comes round and knocks on the door, the man's wife says
"would you like to come in?"
He replies
"Ony for a choccy biscuit"
*she gives him one and he comes in*
The wife asks
"Would you like to go upstairs?"
The man replies with
"Only for a choccy biscuit"
*so she gives him one*
When they get into the bedroom, she asks
"would you like ot have sex?"
The man replies with
"only for a choccy bicuit"
So she gives him one.
As they are at it the wife hears the door shut and tells the man to get in the cupboard, he says
"only for a choccy biscuit"
*he getsone and goes in the cupboard!*
The husband come in and says,
" know you have had sex again"
So he starts to pull out her pubes one by one, as he gets to the lst one, he says
"Get out you basta*d!"
The man in the cupboard says
"Only for a choccy biscuit"
"i know you have had another affair, if you have one more i will pull your pubes out, one by one!"
*The man goes off to work*
The milkman comes round and knocks on the door, the man's wife says
"would you like to come in?"
He replies
"Ony for a choccy biscuit"
*she gives him one and he comes in*
The wife asks
"Would you like to go upstairs?"
The man replies with
"Only for a choccy biscuit"
*so she gives him one*
When they get into the bedroom, she asks
"would you like ot have sex?"
The man replies with
"only for a choccy bicuit"
So she gives him one.
As they are at it the wife hears the door shut and tells the man to get in the cupboard, he says
"only for a choccy biscuit"
*he getsone and goes in the cupboard!*
The husband come in and says,
" know you have had sex again"
So he starts to pull out her pubes one by one, as he gets to the lst one, he says
"Get out you basta*d!"
The man in the cupboard says
"Only for a choccy biscuit"
A blonde says to a brunette,
''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says,
''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
--------
Bom bom tsh!
''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says,
''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
--------
Bom bom tsh!
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks,
''Is this some kind of joke!?''
The bartender looks at them and asks,
''Is this some kind of joke!?''
"The Blind Guy Polemic"
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for £600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for £600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."
What do you call a man with a 1 inch d*ck
Justin
Justin
A man walked into a bar and saw a jar filled with £10:
"My god" said the man to the barman, there must be thousands in there.
"Yes it is the prize for a competition" Replied the Barman.
"Really? What do you have to do?" asked the man.
"Put £10 in there and I'll tell you" said the barman.
So sure enough the man out a tenner in there and the Barman began:
"You must complete three tasks: 1: You must drink a pint of Urine without flinching 2: You need to help an angry bull qith toothache by pulling it out in the back and 3: There is an 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm you must make her have one" finished the Barman.
"That's rubbish I'll never do that" said the man and went down with his drink. Well many drinks later the man returned and being a bit dazed he decided to give it ago. A pint of urine was placed in front of him and as he drank tears rolled down his face but he did it without flinching and so the man went out back.
A few snorting noises, a scuffle, and then silence, minutes past and the man was presumed dead only to emerge with ripped clothes and a cut lip, the man said:
"Right then where's the old lady with Tooth ache?"
"My god" said the man to the barman, there must be thousands in there.
"Yes it is the prize for a competition" Replied the Barman.
"Really? What do you have to do?" asked the man.
"Put £10 in there and I'll tell you" said the barman.
So sure enough the man out a tenner in there and the Barman began:
"You must complete three tasks: 1: You must drink a pint of Urine without flinching 2: You need to help an angry bull qith toothache by pulling it out in the back and 3: There is an 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had an orgasm you must make her have one" finished the Barman.
"That's rubbish I'll never do that" said the man and went down with his drink. Well many drinks later the man returned and being a bit dazed he decided to give it ago. A pint of urine was placed in front of him and as he drank tears rolled down his face but he did it without flinching and so the man went out back.
A few snorting noises, a scuffle, and then silence, minutes past and the man was presumed dead only to emerge with ripped clothes and a cut lip, the man said:
"Right then where's the old lady with Tooth ache?"
Did the chicken cross the road?
Moses and god came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken “thou shalt cross the road.” And, verily, the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder you saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard Nixon the chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Freud the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.
Bill Gates I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs. File your important documents, balance your chequebook and crash randomly
Darwin chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Martin Luther King JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa in my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Einstein whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Ralph Waldo Emerson the chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
Colonel Sanders I missed one?
Moses and god came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken “thou shalt cross the road.” And, verily, the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder you saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard Nixon the chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Freud the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.
Bill Gates I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs. File your important documents, balance your chequebook and crash randomly
Darwin chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Martin Luther King JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa in my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Einstein whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Ralph Waldo Emerson the chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
Colonel Sanders I missed one?
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