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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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One day a guy got off of work he, was so tired so all he wanted to do was get a quik drink and go home. He pulled into the first bar he saw(not noticing it was a gay bar),went inside and sat down at a table. He sat there for about 10 minutes and finally a waiter came around, he stopped him and asked if he could get a beer, the waiter said "okay I Will, but first you have to tell me the name of your penis." The guy looking confused at the time said,"hold up, I have to what?" The waiter laughed and said, "okay for example the name of mine is Nike, ya know just do it?" The guy made no remark, thought for awhile and said, "okay okay I have it, mine is Secret, ya know strong enough for a man but made for a woman?"
Here's a nice long list of jokes for you, tony. different jokes are separated with a line of dashes.
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A bloke in a restaurant is served a bowl of alphabet soup.
The bloke says, "Waiter, waiter. There's a fly in my soup."
The waiter inspects his soup and says, "Yes sir, I know. We ran out of apostrophes so we used it as a substitute."
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Decklen Donoley
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A scientist is testing his robot by a burning building.
The scientist says, "Rescue anything valuable from that burning building and put it in this box."
The robot climbs into the box.
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Q. What's the best thing to use as bait when fishing for dogfish?
A. Bones
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Q. What does a bee say after a long days work?
A. Honey, I'm home!
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A sandwich goes into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
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Two beers walk out of a bar.
One was drunk.
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A bloke walks into a doctors office with a steering wheel between his legs.
The doctor says, "Whoa! I bet that hurts!"
The bloke says, "You bet. It's driving me nuts!"
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A bloke goes to see the psychiatrist, wearing cellophane pants.
The psychiatrist says, "One look at you, and I can plainly see you're nuts!"
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A bloke says, "Waiter, waiter, I thought this was alphabet soup?"
The waiter says, "Yes, it is sir. Why?"
The bloke says, "I don't think all the letters are here."
The waiter counts off each letter as he sees them in the bowl.
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Yes sir. It seems you have an escapee!"
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A bloke in a restaurant is served a bowl of alphabet soup.
The bloke says, "Waiter, waiter. There's a fly in my soup."
The waiter inspects his soup and says, "Yes sir, I know. We ran out of apostrophes so we used it as a substitute."
-----
Decklen Donoley
-----
A scientist is testing his robot by a burning building.
The scientist says, "Rescue anything valuable from that burning building and put it in this box."
The robot climbs into the box.
-----
Q. What's the best thing to use as bait when fishing for dogfish?
A. Bones
-----
Q. What does a bee say after a long days work?
A. Honey, I'm home!
-----
A sandwich goes into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
-----
Two beers walk out of a bar.
One was drunk.
-----
A bloke walks into a doctors office with a steering wheel between his legs.
The doctor says, "Whoa! I bet that hurts!"
The bloke says, "You bet. It's driving me nuts!"
-----
A bloke goes to see the psychiatrist, wearing cellophane pants.
The psychiatrist says, "One look at you, and I can plainly see you're nuts!"
-----
A bloke says, "Waiter, waiter, I thought this was alphabet soup?"
The waiter says, "Yes, it is sir. Why?"
The bloke says, "I don't think all the letters are here."
The waiter counts off each letter as he sees them in the bowl.
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Yes sir. It seems you have an escapee!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
genesisofthesith wrote:
> Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
> performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a
> marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we
> make love. I like that.''
> The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
> to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
>
> The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for
> Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
> it's going to be when I get it.''
LOL!!!!!
Nice one!
> Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
> performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a
> marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we
> make love. I like that.''
> The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
> to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
>
> The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for
> Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
> it's going to be when I get it.''
LOL!!!!!
Nice one!
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''
Very well - I meant in 2 weeks time. At noon.
˝pint wrote:
> I retract that statement - next Monday...
you should retract that statement again as it's the monday afewr next monday #:D
slik ~_~
> I retract that statement - next Monday...
you should retract that statement again as it's the monday afewr next monday #:D
slik ~_~
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer...
Oh dear. That was laaaame. So lame it's funny. Which means its a joke. My god!
A bulldozer...
Oh dear. That was laaaame. So lame it's funny. Which means its a joke. My god!
What happened to the stupid tap dancer? He broke both his ankles when he fell into the sink!
I'll never get sick of crappy short jokes :-D
I'll never get sick of crappy short jokes :-D
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