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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

A guy goes into the mechanics and says, "I think that my car may be a bit of a transvestite!" The mechanics looks at the guy and says " Are you having me on?. The other guy says, "No, straight up I swear, it keeps slipping into the wrong gear!!"

A young man and his wife go to the hospital to give birth to their new child. On arrival, the midwife prepares the room and ensures that the two are comfortable with the situation. The young man says that this is the greatest moment of his life and he wants to play a part in his new child's life.
His wife gives birth shortly after and the young man is overjoyed to have a beautiful baby boy. His wife is tired and the midwife takes the baby from her and says she will bathe him. The young man pipes up and says,
"No, I want to play a part in his life as of now, let me bathe him."
"Well, alright," replies the midwife, "come with me and I will show you where all the equipment is."
As the new father is preparing the bath the midwife says that she will pop out, get a cup of tea and return in two minutes. Baby and father are happy to be left alone.
On return however, the midwife sees the father with his shirt sleeve folded up and his index and middle finger in the baby's nose, forming neat figures of eight in the bath.
"What on earth are you doing!" screamed the shocked midwife, to which the father replied,
"I'm not putting my hand in that water, you ought to feel how bloody hot it is!"

A blonde walks into an Electronic shop and asks the shop assistant if she can buy a nice looking television she sees on the shelf.

The shop assistant replies "No, sorry we don't serve Blondes".

The blonde leaves. The next day she returns with her hair dyed brown, and once again asks to buy the television.

The shop assistant replies "No, sorry we don't serve Blondes".

The blonde leaves. The next day she returns after extensive plastic surgery and once again asks to buy the television.

The shop assistant replies "No, sorry we don't serve Blondes".

The Blonde then asks how he knew she was blonde.

"Because that's a microwave not a television" he replies.

A blonde woman was starting to take an interest in frozen lake fishing and decided to go for a trip to try it out.

She packed her bag and set off for the nearest frozen lake. When she got there she unpacked her stuff and started to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly a voice boomed from the skies, "There are no fish under the ice"

Worried, the blonde moved to another part of the lake and started to make another hole.

Again the voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice"

The blonde moved again to a different part and again started cutting a hole.

Again the voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice."

The blonde looked up to the sky and said, "God, is that you?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the rink manager, there are no fish under the ice."

Bill and Ben are sitting in a bar:

Bill says to Ben, "Blib blob blib blob blob blib"
Ben looks at him and says, "I hate it when you're p****d"

an ozzy fella is walking down the street with a sheep under each armpit. another bloke passes him by in the opposite direction, stops and asks the bloke - " are you shearing mate?"

the first bloke replies - "nah, im f*@!ing them both myself!"

Here's a joke to cheer u up Tony =)

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Cheer up Tony, how could you be sad?

You own a booming business, are probably a millionaire, have four cars, a wife and two kids and you're fifty! What more could you want!?

Oh, and you probably have a swimming pool too. But I'm just guessing that. How presumptuous of me!

Hope you have an enjoyable day Tony.

Here's a joke for you.

So I be walking down the street, when I be seeing a man with an orange for a head. So I be asking the man "How did you come to have an orange for un head oh mine brother"

And he did say to me the following:

"Well my curious friend, I shall tell you. I was walking along the beach when I happened upon a lamp, so, believing in all the tales you hear, I gave it a rub, not really expecting anything, when out pops a genie.

So the genie says to me 'thank you for freeing me. How would you like 3 wishes?' Well I jumped at the chance. Firstly I wished for a pocket that would never be empty of money. Seconds later I felt into my pocket, and sure enough there was a couple of pounds in there. I threw this onto the sand then put my hand back into my pocket, only to find a bundle of notes in there. I was rich!"

"So what ever did you wish for next mine strange orange headed friend" I asked.

"Well, all of this money made me a little excited, and, to be honest, aroused. So I wished for a flock of beatiful women to come pleasure me whenever I got the urge, and sure enough they have done."

He was smiling a very big smile at me, and looked a little vacant, so I prompted him to tell the rest of his story. "So, please, do tell, what was your final wish, and indeed, how did you come to have this fruit upon your head?"

"Well, I have endless money, and sexual partners whenever I require them, what else would you ask for? I simply looked at the genie and said 'I wish I had an orange for a head.' and it was so!"

This isn't really a joke but its funny none the less (or was at the time)

My mate walks into the airport with us and when asked if he is carrying any sharp objects he replies "Only my wit"