The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
Sorry if this has been posted.
Jesus and 4 of his Disciples are up in heaven worrying about the increased trend in drug use. In an attempt to see what can be done to reverse the trend Jesus decides to set his disciples a task, he decides that he shall send his disciples down to earth to get samples of the most popular drugs being used. So off go his 4 disciples.
Days, weeks and months pass until finally the first knock is heard on the pearly gates. Jesus goes to the door and asks, "Who's there?” "Its John" comes the reply. "What did you bring?" asks Jesus. "Crack from Harlem" he says. Well done says Jesus. “You may come in”.
Later in the day another knock is heard. "Who’s there?" asks Jesus "Its peter" comes the reply. "What did you bring?" asks Jesus, "cannabis from Jamaica" Peter replies. "Good job" says Jesus “you may come in”.
A few hours later another knock was heard. “Who is it?” said Jesus. “Its Luke” Answered the voice. “What did you bring?” asked Jesus, “I’ve brought LSD from Spain” he replied. “Good” said Jesus “you may come in”.
A few minutes later a final knock is heard. “Who is it” Asks Jesus, “Its Judas” comes the reply. “And what did you bring?” asks Jesus “The FBI, It’s a raid!”
Jesus and 4 of his Disciples are up in heaven worrying about the increased trend in drug use. In an attempt to see what can be done to reverse the trend Jesus decides to set his disciples a task, he decides that he shall send his disciples down to earth to get samples of the most popular drugs being used. So off go his 4 disciples.
Days, weeks and months pass until finally the first knock is heard on the pearly gates. Jesus goes to the door and asks, "Who's there?” "Its John" comes the reply. "What did you bring?" asks Jesus. "Crack from Harlem" he says. Well done says Jesus. “You may come in”.
Later in the day another knock is heard. "Who’s there?" asks Jesus "Its peter" comes the reply. "What did you bring?" asks Jesus, "cannabis from Jamaica" Peter replies. "Good job" says Jesus “you may come in”.
A few hours later another knock was heard. “Who is it?” said Jesus. “Its Luke” Answered the voice. “What did you bring?” asked Jesus, “I’ve brought LSD from Spain” he replied. “Good” said Jesus “you may come in”.
A few minutes later a final knock is heard. “Who is it” Asks Jesus, “Its Judas” comes the reply. “And what did you bring?” asks Jesus “The FBI, It’s a raid!”
About a century ago thePope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.He would have a religous debate witha member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won the Jews could stay. The Jews realised they had no choice so they picked a midddle-aged man named Moishe to represent them.Moishie asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishie and the pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishie looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his finger in a circle round his head. Moishie pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishie pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said " I give up.This man is too good . The Jews can stay the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me thatthere was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out a wafer and wine to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.He had an answer for everything. What could I do? Meanwhile the Jewish community had crowded round Moishie. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said Moishie,"first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that thisa whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know we were staying right here. "And then?" asked a woman. "Idont know,"said Moishie. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Snuggly has to sit and read through this entire thread to choose a EGAD winner...
ha ha ha ha ha!
:)
ha ha ha ha ha!
:)
The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams :
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium,the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does" varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium,the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does" varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears
Wanna hear qute psiibly the worst joke Of All Time?
What do you do if you find a space man?
Park in it man.
(I know, I know)
What do you do if you find a space man?
Park in it man.
(I know, I know)
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky ‘egg’lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky ‘egg’lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"
Here's a joke.
Snuggly is going to have to read all these jokes! (Poor Snuggly - it may be funny because it's true, I suggest picking a random page, and then picking the best joke on that page ;))
Snuggly is going to have to read all these jokes! (Poor Snuggly - it may be funny because it's true, I suggest picking a random page, and then picking the best joke on that page ;))
Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year!
A. One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year!
"Mirror, Mirror"
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try.
"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try.
"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
"Toothbrush Salesman"
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like 'poop'.”
And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like 'poop'.”
And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Page: