Viewing Thread:
"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Edgy definately deserves to win this. His chainmail joke was hilarious.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
Slash.slash.backslash.escape

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

Top 10 things men would do if they had a girls down below bits:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a girls down below bits.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

"The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics"

15. The Long-Distance Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew

14. The Four-Man Bomb Sled

13. Synchronized Surrendering

12. Jalalabadminton

11. Women's 4x200 Avoid-Drowning-in-the-Burqa Relay

10. Decapitathlon

9. Women's Downhill-From-Here Flogging

8. Sprint into the Dark Ages

7. Buddha Statue Marksmanship

6. Women's Don't-Show-Your-Figure Skating

5. Tora Bora Cave Whack-a-Mole

4. Regardless of the event, the Russian judge will still cheat

3. Mixed Pairs Minefield Dancing (Men only)

2. Goat Vaulting

1. The 600-Yard Bowel-Evacuating Daisy-Cutter Dash

This is basic jokes that could win,.... NOT! What a minute, they are good!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.

What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood test.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm blind.
Where are you, then?

Doctor, doctor, I'm going to die, am I going to heaven?
Hell no!

Doctor, doctor, I've broke my nuts
Salted or dry roasted?

What is 1+1?
Window.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm full!
I'm empty!

Doctir, doctor, I think I'm deaf
Huh?

Doctor, doctor, I'm paralyzed
Nurse, get that medicine! I can't move.

Ha, ha, ha...

We're running out of jokes!

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A little boy is riding in his dad's car...
They drive past a field of cows.
"Look Dad, Moo Moos" Said the little boy.
"No son, they are called cows. Now you are growing up you need to say real names"
"OK" said the boy.

Later on they are driving and they go past a train.
"Look Dad, a Choo Choo"
"No son, remember what I said, it's a train." Said Dad.

Later on that night, the boy asked his Dad to read him a book in bed.
"OK" said the dad, "But you have got to change any childish words to proper words, OK?"
"OK dad, I'll read that one. Winnie the S**t"

First man : I say I say i say do you have Monkey Balls

second Man : No its the way I walk.

Hotmail chain emails:



I am suffering from seven rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being mauled by squirrels, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a potato growing out of her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" e-mail to £1000?
How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll meet the girl (or guy) of my dreams tomorrow. What a bunch of junk.
So basically, this message is directed to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and write "I'm a moron" on my forehead in permanent marker in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by a knight of the round table and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2010, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. It's getting old. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.


THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
>>> >> > > > > >> > > > >scroll down... > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >
>>> >> > > > > >> > > > > > >>
>>>> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >>
>>> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> >
>>> > > * make a wish > >> > >
>>>> > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > >
>>> > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > >
>>> > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >
>>> >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > >* another wish > >> > > > > > >>
>>> > > > > > >> > > >> > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >
>>> >> > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > >* nope,
>>>all out of ponies > >> > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >
>>> >> > > > > > >> > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > >
>>> > > > >> > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >* keep going > >>
>>> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > >
>>> > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > >> > > > >*
>>>remember why you're doing this? > >> > > > > >
>>>> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >
>>> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > >
>>
>>
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do:
First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be kidnapped by ninja elves and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE Really!!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will G-Zero your house.

Thanks Good Luck


Chain Letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of junk. So go on reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!


Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many sad e-mail addicts with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:

1. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1* Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of human waste, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died too. This Could Happen To You!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2* Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was crushed by an anvil that was dropped by a plane that just happened to be flying directly above him.
This Could Happen To You Too.

~*~Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip.

Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4 : As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to every one of your friends. Friends Blah, Blah, Blah, Friends, Blah, Blah, Blah.

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on If you don't, no one will like you for as long as you live. I mean it, as long as you live. The point being?

*If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

*If it's funny, send it on. Don't annoy people by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only chance of living is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.
Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all
your socks missing tomorrow morning.

Its your birthday, Bir bir bir bir biiiirthday!

-------

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... happy birthday dear Tooony... happy biiiirthday tooooo yooouuuu!!!

-------

*punches Tony 50 times*

*pulls Tony's hair 50 times*

-------

http://www.123greetings. com/cgi-bin/create/showcard.pl? q1=birth_happybirthday&i mage=birth_happybirthday/1008-013-47- 1042.gif&bg=hb_47.gif&ti tle=Happy+Birthday+! &tface=comic+sans+ms&tsi ze=5&tcolor=FF0000&fla=back&message=+

-------

You had a good day then Tony?

-------

Bah, I dunno how many other ways I can say happy birthday apart from going through all those little kiddy rhymes.

-------

Happy birthday to you,
You belong in the zoo,
With the elephants and the monkeys,
And you look like one to!

Ok i'll stop now.....

-------

Sheesh, I didnt remember them being *that* stupid.

:D

Anyways, happy birthday Tony, hope you had a great day and everything.

:)

There were three blondes on an island and they didn't know how to get off it.
One day, they found a genie in a lamp, who said that it'd grant three wishes. After a while of mathematics they realised that this was one each, and they could each use their wish to get off of the island.
The first blond wished to me smart so that she could think of a way to get off of the island. The genie made her smart and she swam away to the mainland.
The second blonde wished to be even smarter so that she could find an easier way to the mainland. The genie made her smart and she built a booat and rowed to the mainland.
The third blonde wished to turn in to the smartest thing possible to find the easiest way off of the island.
The genie turned her into a man and he/she walked across the bridge.

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead in an open sea swimming race.
They each had to swim 5 miles one at a time and whoever had the fastest time won the race.
First the redhead swam, she got a quarter of the way there, decided she couldn't make it, and drowned.
Then the brunette swam, she got half way there, decided she couldn't make it, and drowned.
Lastly, the blonde swam. She made it 3 quarters of the way there, decided that she couldn't make it, turned around, and swam back.