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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Happy ½ century, Tony.

I know it's late, but I had stuff to do.

Tony Blair dies, and goes to heaven, at the pearly gates he is greeted by st peter, behind him are like a million clocks. Tony asks " what are all those clocks for?", St peter replies" well each person has a clock when they are born, and every time you lie the hand of the clock move, see look over there that’s mother Teresa’s clock, the hands have never moved, so she has never lied in her life, and over there that’s Abe Lincoln’s clock, as you can see the hands have only moved twice indicating he has only lied twice in his whole life" "oh I see," replied Tony. "And where’s is my clock?" St peter replied "oh it’s in Jesus’ office, he’s using it as a ceiling fan"

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Tony



Dear Tony,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but and up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Failures (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a support application with Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system, especially for those of you who have not completely uninstalled Girlfriend 7.0 from their system.

Best of luck, Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking
with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, 'Bill, you've
done some wonderful things in your life and have
earned the right to choose where you'll spend the
rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven
or Hell, but choose wisely.'

Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the
pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green
meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill
asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter
agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he
is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise,
there's one heck of a party going on. People are
dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop
and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his
decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over
Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green
meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, 'I've put a lot
of thought into this decision and it may sound
foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of
eternity in Hell.' Saint Peter fulfills Bill's
request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big
change. People are writhing in agony, flames are
burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere.
Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the
Devil, 'What happened?? I was just down here a
little while ago and everyone was having a great
time!'

The Devil says, 'Oh that... That was just the
demo.'

Ok here's a few of mine:

What is the similarity between a tea tray and Dennis Bergkamp?

They both carry ten mugs

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How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

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Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words

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Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes?
A: Lack of fit

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Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

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A mother's dictionary
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Show-off: A child which is more talented than yours.

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For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

--------------------------------


The office happenings:

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

-------------------------------

Thats all from me!

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

A bunch of jokes worthy of a 'drum fill' here: (I apologise in advance)


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".


So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire
at the factory that makes them.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. (nasty)

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Sorry, they were terrible I know...

Happy 25th birthday

What do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant?
Willie Angus McCoatup

There is a teacher teaching a class

Teacher: Can A leapord change its spots

Pupil: Yes, It Simply gets up and moves to another.

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."
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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"