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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Hi, hope this brightens up your birthday.

There is a teacher teaching a class:

Teacher: Ok class, today we' re doing maths, if I have 3 pigeons on a wall
and I shoot 1 how many are left?
Little Johnny: None Miss...
Teacher: None?
Little Johnny: Well, the bang would of scared th other 2 away.
Teacher: Well that's wrong, but I like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny: Ok then, I have a question for you, if there are three women on a bench, one licking an ice lolly, one sucking an ice lolly and one biting an ice lolly, which one is married?
Teacher: Errr, the on sucking an ice lolly?
Little Johnny: No the on with the wedding ring on, but I like the way your thinking.

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"

The blonde said, "Oh well the, I guess I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

Happy birthday, hope you like some of these jokes

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''


There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"


60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?



A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

A wee boy goes to stay on his Uncle farm

He sees the bull doing to a cow what bulls do. He runs into the house and shouts "Uncle, the bulls shagging the cow"

His uncle clips him round the ear and explains the polite way to say what is happening is "The bull is suprising the cow"

Next day the boys Uncle is having the vicar round for tea when the wee boy bursts in and says "The bull is suprising the cows"

The Uncle gives a lecture on grammar and explains a bull can only suprise one cow not cows at the same time"

The wee boy responds "Yes the bull can, he's shagging the horse!"

Happy Birthday for yesterday Tony!

Surprisingly, I have a huge arsenal of jokes but have only posted two. :S Ah well, lots tonight such as...

A Ghost walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any bread?"

Barman replies "Sorry no, but I can get you a drink"

Duck says "Got any bread?"

Barman says "NO!, but I will get you a drink if you tell me what you want"

Ducks says "Got any bread?"

Barman says "Listen I have already told you, now get lost"

Duck says "Got any bread"

Barman says "GET OUT, GET LOST, I`M GOING TO NAIL YOUR BLOODY BILL TO THE BAR IF YOU ASK FOR BREAD ONE MORE TIME!!!!"

Duck says "Got any nails?"

Barman says "No, why?"

Duck says "Got any Bread?"

Hey Tony, come back here and let us know what youve been up to on your birthday.

Some diabolical scheme to take over the world perhaps?

Or getting drunk and trying to sing kareoke?

Drive around in a nice new car?

Bah, I give up, you'll have to tell us.

:)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by God

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to
go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God "If this is hell, I REALLY want
to see heaven!" " Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!
I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the
water?!???"

"That was only the demo version, this is the bug free edition" replied God

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:

Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.