The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
I've got some more jokes: (hope ure not Irish)
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and should be kept away from children and the other one carries shopping.
There's an English man, Scottish man and an Irish man on the run and they hide in three sacks on a ship. The men come in and kick the 1st sack and the English man says Meow! and they say it must be a cat. They kick the 2nd one and the Scottish man goes woof! and they say it must be a dog. So they kick the final sack with the Irish man in it and he shouts out "POTATO!".
There's an English man and an Irish man in a plane, and the pilot says that they need to lose weight or crash, so first of all they throw out the luggage, and pilot says "We still need to lose more weighr!", so they throw out the seats, but they still need to lose more weight, so they drop off the bottom of the plane. They then hold onto a metal pole but the pilot still says they need to lose more weight, so the English man says, "i'll jump out then" and the Irish man says "Thats good of you", and claps.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and should be kept away from children and the other one carries shopping.
There's an English man, Scottish man and an Irish man on the run and they hide in three sacks on a ship. The men come in and kick the 1st sack and the English man says Meow! and they say it must be a cat. They kick the 2nd one and the Scottish man goes woof! and they say it must be a dog. So they kick the final sack with the Irish man in it and he shouts out "POTATO!".
There's an English man and an Irish man in a plane, and the pilot says that they need to lose weight or crash, so first of all they throw out the luggage, and pilot says "We still need to lose more weighr!", so they throw out the seats, but they still need to lose more weight, so they drop off the bottom of the plane. They then hold onto a metal pole but the pilot still says they need to lose more weight, so the English man says, "i'll jump out then" and the Irish man says "Thats good of you", and claps.
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. All of the dogs were quite clever and could do similar things to what their owners do at work.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.
Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"
The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.
The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. All of the dogs were quite clever and could do similar things to what their owners do at work.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.
Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"
The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him. "Would you like some food?" she asked.
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
I have a good joke.
"Arsenal are the best team in London!"
Hah hah. Sorry, i'm a Spurs supporter.
"Arsenal are the best team in London!"
Hah hah. Sorry, i'm a Spurs supporter.
A young boy raises his hand in class on day at school.
"Please miss I really need to go to the toilet, can I go?"
The teacher looks at him, "Do you really need?"
"Yes!" the boy demands as he starts to cross his legs in a 'needing to go' style
"Well I will let you go if you say the alphabet for me then"
The boy begins
"A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
The teacher looks at him and asks
"Where's the p?"
The boy replies
"Half way down my leg"
"Please miss I really need to go to the toilet, can I go?"
The teacher looks at him, "Do you really need?"
"Yes!" the boy demands as he starts to cross his legs in a 'needing to go' style
"Well I will let you go if you say the alphabet for me then"
The boy begins
"A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
The teacher looks at him and asks
"Where's the p?"
The boy replies
"Half way down my leg"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part in the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,"I know"...he said "HOLY SH*T! A TALKING PIG!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,"I know"...he said "HOLY SH*T! A TALKING PIG!"
http://www.boomspeed.com/stinga123/GodTheftAuto.jpg
Well I found it funny........
Well I found it funny........
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!!! I see we are both Cancerian thingy's :D
Heres some jokes. I hope no one else has posted them before me :D
For Tony’s birthday him and his wife decided to have a party for just the two of them. For the party they decided to get some nice food. His wife who had short memory said that she would go and buy the food. Tony was a little weary, as he knew his wife would probably get the wrong food but as Tony was lazy he demanded she did anyway. When deciding upon the food the following conversation broke out…
Tony’s wife: What food would you like then?
Tony: I would like some cocktail sausages.
As she set off, Tony said, 'Write it down.'
Tony’s wife: 'I CAN remember cocktail sausages!
Tony: 'But I also want some lettuce! Write it down'
Tony’s wife: 'I CAN remember Cocktail sausages and lettuce!'
Tony: 'But I also want a cake!'
Tony’s wife took off without writing anything down. She was gone for a while and when she came back, she was carrying Fish and Chips.
Tony: 'Now see what you've done? You’ve forgot the toast!?!?’
*****************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
*****************************
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks. The woman says, Unbutton your shirt. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.
*****************************
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.
*****************************
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
********************
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b|tch!"
************************
A woman was at work when a man said, "You're hair smells nice."
She went straight to her boss and said, "A man said my hair smells nice."
He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does."
She said, "The man who said that was a midget."
**********************
One day this man was in a bar and had had a few. The Bartender noticed that he had a long look on his face. And every time he would order a drink he said,'There's some thing you jest caint explain.' The bartender just had to ask so he inquired about the man's troubles. The man started on his story.
I was out one day milking my cows. I brought OLE Bessy into the milking barn and started in on her. When I got about three-fourths a bucket she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. So I took a rope and tied that leg up. I started in on her and when I got about half way full she took her left leg and kicked over the damn bucket again. So, I took another rope and hobbled her left leg and went back to milking. Lo and behold, when I got about a third full that damn cow tipped over that damn bucket with her tail. Her tail of all things. Well, I didn't have any more rope left. So, I took off my belt and tied the tail to the beam in the barn. Well, about that time my pants fell down, the wife walked in, and, well, there's some things you jest caint explain!!!
Heres some jokes. I hope no one else has posted them before me :D
For Tony’s birthday him and his wife decided to have a party for just the two of them. For the party they decided to get some nice food. His wife who had short memory said that she would go and buy the food. Tony was a little weary, as he knew his wife would probably get the wrong food but as Tony was lazy he demanded she did anyway. When deciding upon the food the following conversation broke out…
Tony’s wife: What food would you like then?
Tony: I would like some cocktail sausages.
As she set off, Tony said, 'Write it down.'
Tony’s wife: 'I CAN remember cocktail sausages!
Tony: 'But I also want some lettuce! Write it down'
Tony’s wife: 'I CAN remember Cocktail sausages and lettuce!'
Tony: 'But I also want a cake!'
Tony’s wife took off without writing anything down. She was gone for a while and when she came back, she was carrying Fish and Chips.
Tony: 'Now see what you've done? You’ve forgot the toast!?!?’
*****************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
*****************************
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks. The woman says, Unbutton your shirt. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.
*****************************
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.
*****************************
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
********************
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b|tch!"
************************
A woman was at work when a man said, "You're hair smells nice."
She went straight to her boss and said, "A man said my hair smells nice."
He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does."
She said, "The man who said that was a midget."
**********************
One day this man was in a bar and had had a few. The Bartender noticed that he had a long look on his face. And every time he would order a drink he said,'There's some thing you jest caint explain.' The bartender just had to ask so he inquired about the man's troubles. The man started on his story.
I was out one day milking my cows. I brought OLE Bessy into the milking barn and started in on her. When I got about three-fourths a bucket she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. So I took a rope and tied that leg up. I started in on her and when I got about half way full she took her left leg and kicked over the damn bucket again. So, I took another rope and hobbled her left leg and went back to milking. Lo and behold, when I got about a third full that damn cow tipped over that damn bucket with her tail. Her tail of all things. Well, I didn't have any more rope left. So, I took off my belt and tied the tail to the beam in the barn. Well, about that time my pants fell down, the wife walked in, and, well, there's some things you jest caint explain!!!
Page: