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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Why is Scooby Do a vegetarian dog?
Because he is scared of Rhosts!
Because he is scared of Rhosts!
Q. What did Michael Jackson write the song "Ben" about?
1) His pet rat
2) A young boy
3) A young boy with a sore ar.......
No, better not complete that word. :-)
1) His pet rat
2) A young boy
3) A young boy with a sore ar.......
No, better not complete that word. :-)
(No offence intended)
A blonde walks into a hairdressers and says ow!... no sorry wrong joke... she walks into the hairdressers and gets her hair dyed brown so she looks like a brunet.
Later on she is driving past a farm, stops and gets out of the car. She walks up to the farmer and says
"If I can guess how many sheep you have on your farm can I take one home?"
"Sure" the farmer replies
"142!"
"wow spot on" exclaims the farmer astonished.
She puts a sheep in the back of her car. She is about to drive off when the farmer walks up to her and says
"If I can guess what colour your hair is naturally then can I have my DOG back, please?"
Chao!
A blonde walks into a hairdressers and says ow!... no sorry wrong joke... she walks into the hairdressers and gets her hair dyed brown so she looks like a brunet.
Later on she is driving past a farm, stops and gets out of the car. She walks up to the farmer and says
"If I can guess how many sheep you have on your farm can I take one home?"
"Sure" the farmer replies
"142!"
"wow spot on" exclaims the farmer astonished.
She puts a sheep in the back of her car. She is about to drive off when the farmer walks up to her and says
"If I can guess what colour your hair is naturally then can I have my DOG back, please?"
Chao!
what do you call a prostitute with no legs?
Cash & Carry
Cash & Carry
Funnier than all these put together I dare you to find anything more amusing than this
You need sound btw
http://www.b3ta.com/youcantspell/
You need sound btw
http://www.b3ta.com/youcantspell/
Tony Rainbird and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to Tony's next speech at a "good boss conference" (Dum de dum), and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."
Tony said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we will trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous businessman from a rival company of two unspeakable words (for copyright reasons etc), the first word beginning with "E" and the second "B", wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question...."
Tony said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we will trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous businessman from a rival company of two unspeakable words (for copyright reasons etc), the first word beginning with "E" and the second "B", wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question...."
Very Rude jokes!! (Sorry to anyone from Essex!)
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she
is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if
she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks,
"How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the
waist down an all!!!"
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit,
don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does
that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another
sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying, "That doesn't smell like come
to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How
many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great
because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight
foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them."
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she
is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if
she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks,
"How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the
waist down an all!!!"
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit,
don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does
that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another
sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying, "That doesn't smell like come
to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How
many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great
because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight
foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them."
A man walks into one of the many special reserve shops and approaches the man at the desk.
The man asks "Welcome to the store, how can I help you?"
"Well I'd like to buy a wasp" replies the man,
"I'm sorry we do not sell wasps here." said the man at the desk.
"But you have got one in the window"
The man asks "Welcome to the store, how can I help you?"
"Well I'd like to buy a wasp" replies the man,
"I'm sorry we do not sell wasps here." said the man at the desk.
"But you have got one in the window"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
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