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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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A farmer is sitting in a neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer decides to try an answer.
"Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer reluctantly, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset, but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
The farmer says, "Some things you can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer decides to try an answer.
"Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer reluctantly, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset, but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up, to 80mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to 90mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pylon. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100mph, the wife smiles and says...
...
...
...
...
...
"The airbag."
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up, to 80mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to 90mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pylon. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100mph, the wife smiles and says...
...
...
...
...
...
"The airbag."
When Snuggly asked Tony for a day off, Tony gave this response:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per yer in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours of each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. you spedn 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available for work. With an hour lunch each day you used another 46 days leaving only 22 days available to work. We are off 5 bank holidays per year, so your available working time is now 15 day. We generously give you 14 days holiday per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and you expect me to let you have that off?
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per yer in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours of each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. you spedn 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available for work. With an hour lunch each day you used another 46 days leaving only 22 days available to work. We are off 5 bank holidays per year, so your available working time is now 15 day. We generously give you 14 days holiday per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and you expect me to let you have that off?
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for about a half-hour. Then this big trouble making bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The bully feels sorry for him and says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife had left me for my best friend. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
He stays like that for about a half-hour. Then this big trouble making bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The bully feels sorry for him and says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife had left me for my best friend. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
Gah, I've missed the majority of the jokes, what with being away and all that.
What is the best one so far? Anyone?
What is the best one so far? Anyone?
A man is walking down the beach under a beautiful romantic sunset, when he sees a woman with no arms or legs, crying her eyes out. He asks her what's wrong, and she says, "I'm twenty-one years old, I've got no arms and no legs...and I've never been kissed!" So he leans down, and he gives her a soft, sweet little kiss on the lips. She stops crying, and he starts to walk away, when he hears her crying again.He asks her again what the trouble is, and she says, "I'm twenty-one years old, I have no arms and no legs...and I've never been screwed!" So the man thinks for a moment, picks her up, and tosses her into the ocean, yelling, "You're screwed now!"
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