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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the S**t."
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the S**t."
A Stiff Sentence
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go
out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and
pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"
(to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle
and told them, 'This is your as#h#le before prison......
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go
out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and
pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"
(to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle
and told them, 'This is your as#h#le before prison......
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
-------------------------------------------
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
-------------------------------------------
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Marriage Report
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Old McDonald had a Farm
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
- "Watson, you idiot. Someones stolen our tent."
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
- "Watson, you idiot. Someones stolen our tent."
Adultery
---------------------------------------------------
There is a priest and in his village everyone keeps committing adultery. Every time they do this they go to the priest and confess their sins. After a while the priest starts to get angry and invites everyone to a meeting. In the meeting he tells everyone that he is annoyed with everyone confessing to him about adultery so he tells them that in the future they have to class it as "Falling".
A few years later when the priest retires a new priest arrives. The new priest keeps in contact with the old priest incase there is anything he is unsure of. After a couple of weeks of the new priest arriving he goes to the old priest and says, "everyone keeps telling me that they have fallen, why is this a sin?".
The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."
---------------------------------------------------
There is a priest and in his village everyone keeps committing adultery. Every time they do this they go to the priest and confess their sins. After a while the priest starts to get angry and invites everyone to a meeting. In the meeting he tells everyone that he is annoyed with everyone confessing to him about adultery so he tells them that in the future they have to class it as "Falling".
A few years later when the priest retires a new priest arrives. The new priest keeps in contact with the old priest incase there is anything he is unsure of. After a couple of weeks of the new priest arriving he goes to the old priest and says, "everyone keeps telling me that they have fallen, why is this a sin?".
The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."
50 Year Old Nakedness
------------------------------------------
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal !!!"
------------------------------------------
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal !!!"
need to pop this somehow...
Mmmmmm, i got it!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!
Mmmmmm, i got it!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!
What would happen if men got pregant?
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
* There would be a cure for stretch marks.
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
* Women would rule the world.
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
* There would be a cure for stretch marks.
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
* Women would rule the world.
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