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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

There was a man who was 82, married to a woman who was 80. One day, the woman came home from shopping, to find her husband sleeping with a 30 year old woman. The wife picked up her husband and through him out of the window.
When the police came, one cop asked the woman why did'nt you just divorce your husband? And the wife replied: "well, I figured if he could do that at his age, then he can fly, too."

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.

When Heidi started going into labour, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very,very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

What do you call man with 50 rabbits up his ar$e?

Warren.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''

This ones for your workers Tony :D



When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss. So the a$$le went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the poo!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any a$$hole will do.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

A woman runs into the vet with her parrot fearing something is wrong with her beloved pet.
The vet places the bird on the table and listens for its heartbeat, unfortunatly nothing is to be heard.

The vet turns to the woman. "I'm affraid your parrot polly has passed on".
"How do you know for sure !? You haven't done any real tests or anything !" the woman wails.

The vet sighs and says "ok, wait here a minute". He goes in the next room and comes back in with a black Labrador dog. The dog jumps onto its hind legs with its front paws on the side of the table. It then sniffs the parrot up and down, shakes its head, barks and leaves.

The vet then brings in a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and sniffs the parrot up and down. It then shakes its head, meows and leaves.
Although bewilded, the woman says nothing.

The vet says "See, your parrot is dead. I'll just go and get your bill sorted out."

He soon returns and hands the woman the bill which reads £150. The woman is astonished. "£150 just to tell me my parrot is dead !!??"
The vet answers "Well if you'd taken my advice it would have cost you £20, the extra is for the Lab report and Cat scan."

Imagine if all major brands & retailers started making
their own condoms and keeping the same tagline............

Sainsburys Condoms - making life taste better.
Tescos Condoms - every little helps.
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready Condoms - keeps going and going.
Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you cant stop.
Burger king Condoms - Home of the whopper.
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
FCUK Condoms - no comment required.
Muller light Condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin.
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes.
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsburg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.
Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play.
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service.
Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal.
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

Redmond, Washington -- In New York City, the Empire State Building was made up to look like an enormous hand-soap dispenser. In Washington D.C. President Clinton gave up his nickname of "Bubba" in order to be called "Bubble." The worldwide chain of "Octopus" carwashes was hired for an entire day just to give people free baths. All over the nation, hordes of eager bathers mobbed stores as the long-awaited release of one of the most highly anticipated cleaning products in history finally became reality. On August 29 at 12 midnight, the doors opened and convenience stores across the nation began to sell Microsoap "Windex 95."

"I've never seen anything like it," said Bowatu Kempler of "Da Pope's Soaps (for the unwashed heathen in all of us)" in Jacksonville, Fl. "We had people camping outside the doors at 4 AM yesterday waiting for the doors to open. And you shoulda heard them..."

"It's Windex 95!!!" shrieked a gleeful Elenora Minset as she snatched the last flat of glass cleaner from Mr. Kempler's shop. "It's great! We'll bathe in it. We'll put the baby to sleep in it. Hell, we'll even feed the cat with it! It's Windex 95, and I LOVE IT!!!"

Said a spokesperson for Microsoap: "Windex 95 is special and unique because it has the ability to clean glass. It can also clean glass. Did we mention that it cleans glass? It's so much better than Windex. Because it cleans glass. Windex 95, that is. You need to upgrade now. The old stuff is blue. The new stuff is green. Oh yeah, and the new green stuff cleans glass. Windex maybe sorta cleans glass too, but you can use a Rag with Windex, whereas Windex 95 requires a Rag-486DX with 8 MB RAM and a lint-coprocessor. Windex 95 may not clean some types of glass as well as Windex, so we suggest you upgrade your hardware by buying the now industry-standard (as defined by Microsoap) circular windows and cubical drinking-glasses. We have a billion to advertise with that says you have to, so get with it!"

Meanwhile, proponents of a competing product have been wearing snide buttons proclaiming "Windex 95 = Soap And Water 3000BC" This has failed to dampen the burgeoning enthusiasm for the most revolutionary cleaning product of all time. Sales also have not been hampered by the fact that each bottle of Windex 95 carries a mini-spycam in the cap which constantly transmits to the Microsoap Ministry of Information. Each bottle also comes paired with a "free" rock, causing concerns with pet rock stores all over the world. At a store called, "Hey, it's a rock, you can even do that with it!" Luther Lemner complained, "Everyone needs to clean their filthy, slimey, disgusting Windows, so they buy that Microsoap stuff. They get a `free' rock... But it's actually a lump of s od with a spy-camera in it. But then they think they have a rock, so they don't buy my fine rose quartz anymore. I'm going to go out of business. Everyone cleans their windows; this isn't fair."

But it's too late to stay the flood; Windex 95 is the soapware occurence of the century. I for one predict that Microsoap is really going to clean up with this one.