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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking alot. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel terrible about what I have done! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

______________

Nice pic dave by the way.

Its ok it worked that time very good too :0)

davyboy wrote:
> Mr.Snuggly wrote:
> Another quality picture courtesy of SR user Dav1d, check this out...
>
> http://image.reserve.co.uk/www/public/images/art/tonys50.gif
>
> Are you sure about that cause it dont work .

---

Oh yes it does.

AfroJoe wrote:
> Here's my joke:
>
> A man walked into a bar.... ouch.

That sounds painfull

Here's my joke:

A man walked into a bar.... ouch.

Mr.Snuggly wrote:
> Another quality picture courtesy of SR user Dav1d, check this out...
>
> http://image.reserve.co.uk/www/public/images/art/tonys50.gif

Are you sure about that cause it dont work .

That was excellent.

Another quality picture courtesy of SR user Dav1d, check this out...

http://image.reserve.co.uk/www/public/images/art/tonys50.gif