The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
Page:
Heres one I heard at skool.
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 women swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you have to do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?" The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."
(:)
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 women swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you have to do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?" The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."
(:)
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* Pay for your shopping with pennies.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* At the launderette, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* Pay for your shopping with pennies.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* At the launderette, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
An Englishman, a scotsman, an irishman, the pope, a priest, a rabbi, a hedgehog and a rabbit all walk into a pub. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?".
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder!!
The cold shoulder!!
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five p*****s." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove!!"
"It's... um... well... I have five p*****s." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove!!"
You might have heard this one already:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
J Savo wrote:
> Heres Mine:
>
>
>
> 2 old guys decide to have sex and go to a sex club, to have sex.
>
> when they are asked what do they want the both say "SEX!!!",
> so the lady at the till puts them into 2 different rooms and, gives
> thhem blow up doll's.
>
> when they have finished the pay the woman and give her a tip for
> givin' them wonderful sex with doll's witch the old men didn't realise
> they were doll's.
>
> when they leave they ask each other what was yours like:
>
> 1st man says "it was a grewat night but she didn't move"
>
> the 2nd man says "she didn't move either but when she fated she
> flew out of the window"
>
>
> so wot do u think, ROFL or just LOL
>
>
> ;P
More of a
> Heres Mine:
>
>
>
> 2 old guys decide to have sex and go to a sex club, to have sex.
>
> when they are asked what do they want the both say "SEX!!!",
> so the lady at the till puts them into 2 different rooms and, gives
> thhem blow up doll's.
>
> when they have finished the pay the woman and give her a tip for
> givin' them wonderful sex with doll's witch the old men didn't realise
> they were doll's.
>
> when they leave they ask each other what was yours like:
>
> 1st man says "it was a grewat night but she didn't move"
>
> the 2nd man says "she didn't move either but when she fated she
> flew out of the window"
>
>
> so wot do u think, ROFL or just LOL
>
>
> ;P
More of a
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
-Man 1: A thief has stolen all my credit cards
-Man 2: How terrible, will you report it to the police?
-Man 1: No, I’m quite happy with the situation as the thief spends less money than my wife does!!
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's GBP100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
-Man 1: A thief has stolen all my credit cards
-Man 2: How terrible, will you report it to the police?
-Man 1: No, I’m quite happy with the situation as the thief spends less money than my wife does!!
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's GBP100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Heres Mine:
2 old guys decide to have sex and go to a sex club, to have sex.
when they are asked what do they want the both say "SEX!!!", so the lady at the till puts them into 2 different rooms and, gives thhem blow up doll's.
when they have finished the pay the woman and give her a tip for givin' them wonderful sex with doll's witch the old men didn't realise they were doll's.
when they leave they ask each other what was yours like:
1st man says "it was a grewat night but she didn't move"
the 2nd man says "she didn't move either but when she fated she flew out of the window"
so wot do u think, ROFL or just LOL
;P
2 old guys decide to have sex and go to a sex club, to have sex.
when they are asked what do they want the both say "SEX!!!", so the lady at the till puts them into 2 different rooms and, gives thhem blow up doll's.
when they have finished the pay the woman and give her a tip for givin' them wonderful sex with doll's witch the old men didn't realise they were doll's.
when they leave they ask each other what was yours like:
1st man says "it was a grewat night but she didn't move"
the 2nd man says "she didn't move either but when she fated she flew out of the window"
so wot do u think, ROFL or just LOL
;P
Page: