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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

A burglar enters someones house (you don't say). He hunts around for any valuable items (how cliche) and spots a nice golden bracelet. He goes over to snatch it when all of a sudden he hears this voice.

"Jesus is watching you"

"Who the hell was that?!" The burglar screams.

He searches for anyone who could be up watching him.

"Hmm, no one there. I must just be imagining it"

He snatches the bracelet and looks for more items before heading off.

"Jesus is watching you!"

He looks at the corner and notices a small parrot.

"How.. how.. how... do you know Jesus is watching me?"

The parrot calmly states;

"You see the Rottweiler in the corner? Go meet Jesus."

Why did Bin Laden dump his girlfriend?

He looked up her skirt and saw Bush.

1: 2 men are sitting down talking about different sex positions. One man mentions Rodeo and the other is puzzled... so he explains...

"Start giving it to her doggy style and then when she is enjoying it bend over a tell her that her sister likes it like that too... see how long you can hang on for!"

2: 2 fat men are in a pub one says

"Your round"

the other one says

"So are you you fat b******!"

3: A blind man walks into a shop, picks up his dog and starts to swing it around his head, the shopkeeper is puzzled and asks him "do you need any help sir" to which the blind man replies "No thankyou, I'm just looking around"

4: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows!

5: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

none... it's probably screwed in too tight anyway!

6: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

One is mad cow disease, the other one is anagricultural problem!

7: Did you hear the latest terrorist threat to America?

Pretzels!

8: A frog goes up to the teller in a bank. Her badge says her name's Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like a £30,000 loan," he says. "My names Kermit Jagger. My Dad's Mick Jagger. It's OK, 'cos I know the bank manager." Patty explains that he'll need some collateral. The fog hands her a tiny, brown, wicker doll. Confused, Patty goes to consult the bank manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there, who claims to know you," She says. "He wants to borrow £30,000, and offers this- as collateral." She hold up the brown wicker doll. The manager looks at her and says: "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!

One Day a man is walking in San Francisco's Chinatown, and takes a turn down a srange looking alley, he comes to a strange store. The Man Goes into it and begins just looking around, but then he sees a Gold mouse statue and he dicides to purcase this Gold mouse statue. He walkes up to the clerk and says, "I would like to purchase this Gold Statue", the Clerk says, It is $20.00 for the statue and another $1,000.00 for the story behind it". But the man refuses the story and gives the man $20.00. He walkes out of the store, and begins walking back to San Francisco, when he notices that there is 3 mice following him, he thinks nothing of it so he continues walking. So, about 5 minutes later there are Thousands of mice following him, so he takes off running and the mice are right on him, so, he runs toward the Warf, and as he reaches the edge, he throws the Gold Mouse Statue into the warf. All the mice follow the statue into the warf. So, after they are all dead, he goes back to the Shop. He walkes in, and the clerk asks him "So, came back for the story, Huh?" The man replies"No, I wanted to know if you had a Gold Statue of a Lawyer?"

I'm sure Tony would chuckle at this little poem I just wrote.
It's called "My Little Willy" (and it's not rude)


I like my little Willy; he’s small and very hairy.
I like to stroke him lots and lots,
I know he likes it when I do,
and when my relatives come round,
they like to stroke him too.
It’s always fun when Willy is around,
and life is never a bore,
but he does have this awful habit,
of weeing on the floor.
Willy likes the ladies,
of this I’m very certain,
because he stands up at the windowsill,
and pokes out through the curtain.
In wintertime he gets very chilly,
so he has to wear some clothes,
but in the heat of summertime he gets too hot,
so I spray him with a hose.
I love to stroke him in front of a cosy fire,
he always gives me pleasure,
he’s such a cute little hairy thing,
a real little treasure.
Even at the dinner table,
I reach down and give him a feel,
sometimes I’m told off though,
and must wash my hands before I eat my meal.
Once I let a woman stroke it,
but she ran away and hid,
I guess she must have had a bad experience,
with a similar one when she was a kid.
Sometimes I go for a jog with Willy,
and show him to passers-by,
I ask if they want a stroke but many do refuse,
never mind as it was worth a try.
Willy likes it when the postman knocks,
it gets all in a fury,
but if my Willy were to touch his hand,
I’d end up before a jury.
I often take my little Willy outside,
through rain or snow or fog,
oh, and did I forget to mention…..
Willy is a dog!!!

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

One Day a man was sitting on a bus and noticed i very sexy lady at the back of the bus,he walked to the back of the bus and sat next to her and chatted her up however the women got of the bus in a big mood,

when the man got off the bus driver said the reason that lady was in a mood is because she is a nun. The driver then went on to tell the man if he wanted to have sex with this nun go to the graveyard on sunday dressed as jesus and demand the nun to have sex with you.

Sunday came and the man was ready hidden behind a gravestone the nun started to pray and out jumped the man i am jesus i demand sex.

the nun gave in and had sex with the man after the deed was done the man stood up and ripped the costume up and said "ha ha ha im the man of the bus"

the nun stood up and siad "ha ha ha im the bus driver"

Linx wrote:
> Na†ßu© wrote:
> That was, to put it simply, crap. Sorry.
>
> you are forgiven. (for now)

Thanks :D

And now for an acceptable joke :D

**********

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them a55e5. This is the only a55 I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his a55 for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my a55?"

Na†ßu© wrote:
> That was, to put it simply, crap. Sorry.

you are forgiven. (for now)

One day a boy at school was asked to say his alphabet. He said it and missed out the letter P. The teacher asked " Wheres your P" and the boy says running down the side of my leg.