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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

That was, to put it simply, crap. Sorry.

I once asked a blonde women how many days in a year she thought a women thinks. She replied "52". I said, "What only once a week?", she replied "No, like i said, every day in the year".

Some oxymorons:

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Affordable housing
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Alone together
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt Head
Canadian army
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Civil War
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Everything except
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
Freezer Burn
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good kid
Government organization
Great depression
Happily married
Holy war
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Legally drunk
Living dead
Loners Club
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Minor Catastrophe
Near miss
New and improved
New classic
New York culture
Now, then
Passive aggressive
Peace force
Phone sex
Plastic glasses
Political science
Postal Service
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Sensitive man
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
United nations
Women's rights
Working vacation

AfroJoe wrote:
> Hercules! wrote:
> AfroJoe
>
> ---
>
> That shall win.

------

Indeed it shall.

;D

Hercules! wrote:
> AfroJoe

---

That shall win.

Two Peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”

A man walks into a pub. “Pint of best” he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink, he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says, “Are you Vincent Van Gogh?”
“Yes”, the old man replies.
“Do you want a drink?” the man says.
“No thanks” Replied Vincent “I got one ‘ere”

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed in his Y-Fronts. A woman comes up to him and asks, “What have you come as?”
The man looked at her and said, “I’ve come as a premature ejaculation”
“Oh, how’s that then?” said the woman.
“Easy” said the man “I’ve come in my pants”

Two Eskimos sitting in a Kayak were getting cold. They lit a fire in the craft to keep warm. It sank; proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked as they moved off.
“Because,” replied the manager, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

AfroJoe

I'm Making You A 50-50 Partner In The Business
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you,
I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a
half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like
factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with
you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to LEARN that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
''Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'' he says.

''That's cool.'' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.''

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''

''Yeah,'' says Peggy Sue's father, ''Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''

(:)