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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two
weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through
the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for
the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be
welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at
the grocery store anymore either."
told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two
weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through
the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for
the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be
welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at
the grocery store anymore either."
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a
young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue.
After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and
said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex
with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."
young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue.
After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and
said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex
with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.
He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The
millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one
day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party
he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to
every man here. I will give one million dollars or my
daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of
a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast
as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he
made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was
incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!
Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you
want: my daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't
want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into
that pool!
He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The
millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one
day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party
he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to
every man here. I will give one million dollars or my
daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of
a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast
as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he
made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was
incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!
Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you
want: my daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't
want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into
that pool!
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother—he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....
Defined by gender - VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother—he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. Shut up, Albert....
Defined by gender - VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
What do you call a monkey in disguise?
J Savo.
J Savo.
How many Cliff Richard Fans does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Answer: Both of them.
Answer: Both of them.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He decides to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES
10. They ask for all their money in quarters.
9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.
8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their fingers twitch all the time.
4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.
3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.
10. They ask for all their money in quarters.
9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.
8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their fingers twitch all the time.
4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.
3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.
There are 10 types of people in the world; people who understand binary and people who don't.
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