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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Chat-up lines gone wrong.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
President Clinton, his family, and Al Gore are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy".
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole Country very happy."
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy".
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole Country very happy."
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again!"
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again!"
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
An elderly gentleman was completely deaf much of his life, but eventually technology meant that his doctor was able to operate and restore his hearing almost 100%.
During a checkup the doctor said, "Your hearing is near perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet, but I have changed my will three times!"
During a checkup the doctor said, "Your hearing is near perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet, but I have changed my will three times!"
A Blonde And A Brunette Go Parachuting.
The Blonde jumps first.
The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She falls past the blonde like a speeding bullet.
The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "Sooo, you want to race, do you?
The Blonde jumps first.
The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She falls past the blonde like a speeding bullet.
The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "Sooo, you want to race, do you?
I don't know if you'll accept links to funny jokes on the Internet. If you do, I reckon you should look at this:
http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/pictures/worstjob.jpg
If not, I have another joke anyway. Although, it could just possible be one of the worst jokes ever:
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ''I think it's raining'', he said to his wife.
''No, that felt more like snow to me'', she replied.
''No, I'm sure it was just rain'', he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them.
''Let's not fight about it'', the man said, ''Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing''.
As the official approached, the man said, ''Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?''
''It's raining, of course'', he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: ''I know that felt like snow!''
To which the man quietly replied: ''Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear''
SD
http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/pictures/worstjob.jpg
If not, I have another joke anyway. Although, it could just possible be one of the worst jokes ever:
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ''I think it's raining'', he said to his wife.
''No, that felt more like snow to me'', she replied.
''No, I'm sure it was just rain'', he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them.
''Let's not fight about it'', the man said, ''Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing''.
As the official approached, the man said, ''Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?''
''It's raining, of course'', he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: ''I know that felt like snow!''
To which the man quietly replied: ''Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear''
SD
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager thinks this is quite strange. He approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "May I help you?"
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
The store manager thinks this is quite strange. He approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "May I help you?"
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
Get some last minute ones in then.
What Do you call a serbian prostitute???
Slobbadown Mikockubitch
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuckbetween the railings of the fence opposite the club.Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!""The Golfer's Confession"
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case,
her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it
between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try
anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and standsin front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will
this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he
replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" He shrugged and said, "Worked for your ar$e, didn't it?"
One day I went to a picturesque little town in italy, it was beautiful with lovely villas and a great harbour. The only thing that spoilt the view was a man with his head in his hands crying.
I walked up to this man and asked him what was up?
The man replied "I'm Mario, I built every boat In the harbour with my own two hands and do any of the villagers call me mario the boat builder......NO."
I tried to make him feel better by telling him that this wasn't so bad when he stood up and shouted
"Do you see all those beautiful villas on the hill? Well I made all of those with my own two hands but do they call me Mario the villa builder..............NO."
Again I told Mario that it wasn't as bad as it seems
Mario then said "I shagged one sheep and.............."
What Do you call a serbian prostitute???
Slobbadown Mikockubitch
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuckbetween the railings of the fence opposite the club.Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!""The Golfer's Confession"
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case,
her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it
between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try
anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and standsin front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will
this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he
replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" He shrugged and said, "Worked for your ar$e, didn't it?"
One day I went to a picturesque little town in italy, it was beautiful with lovely villas and a great harbour. The only thing that spoilt the view was a man with his head in his hands crying.
I walked up to this man and asked him what was up?
The man replied "I'm Mario, I built every boat In the harbour with my own two hands and do any of the villagers call me mario the boat builder......NO."
I tried to make him feel better by telling him that this wasn't so bad when he stood up and shouted
"Do you see all those beautiful villas on the hill? Well I made all of those with my own two hands but do they call me Mario the villa builder..............NO."
Again I told Mario that it wasn't as bad as it seems
Mario then said "I shagged one sheep and.............."
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