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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

An American Man, Irishman, and a Japanese Man are sitting in a hottub. A phone-tone goes off and the American puts his hand on his ear. He begins to talk. Both the Irishman and the Jap are puzzled by his actions.

Irishman: "What are you doing?"

American: "Oh, I was just talking to some Stockholders. It's this new technology implemented in my hand, it allows me to phone and communicate with people around the world."

Irishman: "Right, I see"

The Japanese Man then sets off a loud beep, he turns over the back of his hand and looks at it.

Irishman: "What the hell is that?"

Japanese: "It's a little digi-screen I have on the back of my hand, I'm viewing our recent share prices on the graph"

Irishman: "Let me guess, new technology as well?"

Japanese: "Indeed."

The Irishman begins to worry and panic about his primitive use for technology. He rushes to the bathroom. A few minutes later you can here moaning and groaning coming from the bathroom, the Irishman steps out.

American: "My god, you were a while... Do you know you have a piece of Toilet-Paper hanging from your a**e?"

Irishman: "Hah, I know. That's me getting a Fax through"

A couple are lying in bed, the man says to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." She replies, "I'm going to miss you."

------

Thats old you fool.

One day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde jokes that she decided to hang herself in the woods.
Soon two men came along and asked, "what are you doing?". She replied, "I'm hanging myself." The two men looked at her and said, "Usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the rope around your neck." Then the Blonde said, "Duh, I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

(Apologies if certain members of SR adopt this)

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Paddy entered his racehorse into the Irish Grand National. It had an excellent track record and nearly always came first, but this was the big race, he hadn't ran this one before.

However, riding Paddy's horse was a new jockey. Paddy called the jockey over and said, "If there's one order you follow in life, let it be this one. When you get to the hurdles, just before you jump shout 'one - two - three - JUMP!' Remember this!"

The jockey smiled and nodded but thought the Paddy had been on too much Guinness.

Anyway, in the race he was 5 lengths clear, running a cracking race until he got to the first hurdle. He thought, 'Paddy's just talking nonsense' and didn't say anything. The horse just ran straight through the hurdle, almost knocking the jockey off, but managed to hold on.

Coming to the second hurdle, the jockey kept quiet again and still the horse ran straight through the hurdle.

At the last hurdle, the horse in second had caught up. So the jockey thought, 'well I'm not gonna lose this', and shouted "one - two - three - JUMP!" and the horse jumped the hurdle perfectly! However, the other horse had already overtaken and beat him on the straight.

Afterwards Paddy said, "why the hell didn't you do as I said?"

The jockey tried to think up an excuse and said, "I think your horse has a problem...I think it's deaf!"

Paddy said, "You stupid bagger, he's not deaf, he's blind!"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya b*stard! Spit it out!"

You know you're a net junkie when...


1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."

3. You name your child Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 14000-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. :)

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...and you succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at CSi dot com."

13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own home page.

15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don't know what sexes three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

20. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Why did the distorted Chipmunk cross the road?

To show his friend's he had some guts.