Viewing Thread:
"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

These three blokes get to a hotel to discover their reservations have been lost. They are distraught, but the manager recognises the mix up and says "We're sorry, we can't give you each a room, all we can offer is the presidential suite on the 51st floor" so they accept. They get up their and they can't beleive the luxury. They deicde to go out on the town to celebrate. When they get back the manager tells them, "The lift is broken so you can either climb 51 stories to get to your room or you can sleep on the benches here in reception". They decide to climb.

To keep them going, they decide to tell each other happy stories the first 17 floors, scary stories the next 17 and really depressing and sad stories the last 17. So they go up the first 17, taking it in turns to tell happy and amusing stories they get to the 1 third point feeling uplifted.

The next 17 is here and they tell really scary stories, ones that make them hurry so as not to be alone on the stairs, they're getting a bit tired too.

They finally reach the last 17, knackered but elated at nearly being there, and start to tell really sad stories. It comes the turn of one of the blokes and he says, "I've got a really really depressing and sad story for you 2, are you sure you want to hear it?"
They say yes.
"OK... I've left the @#¢"%*! room key at reception!"

sorry, that should be 'your'

*realises he's killed the joke*

BIG BROTHER,

now theres a joke for you.

A WestIdian bloke goes for a job on a building site and the forman puts him with 4 irishmen 2macs paddy and mic. So they go out on site to do some bricking and get the westidian to do all the work an take the micky outa him "hey you wog faster faster".
The westindian has anough of this and goes to the forman to complain.
The forman comes out and shouts "Hey mic mac paddy mac leave that wog alone ;0)

A brunette goes to the doctor and complains.

'Doctor, I think my whole body is broken'

'Whatever do you mean?' said the doctor, aware that this was a biological impossibility.

'Well, wherever I touch my body a feel a sharp pain'. She then touches her knee, head and elbow, and grimaces each time.

The doctor puts his book down and asks 'Are you a real brunette?'

'No, I'm a blond' replied the patient.

'I thought so', said the doctor. 'our bloody fingers broken!!!'

"How to Annoy Your Co-Workers"


1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

-------

Doooo iiiit!

:D

Why do they make lemon flavoured condoms?

So you can 'come' in a jiffy (you know what I mean).


What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!


A blonde and a brunette are falling down a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?

The brunette as the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

"The Retirement Party"

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, *John*, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."

--------

That is in no way targetted at you Tony.......

.....honest.

;)

(no, it really isnt)

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were walking along Dartmoor when it started to rain. Being in the middle of nowhere they decided to head for the nearest cave which they could see ahead of them in the distance.

Whilst exploring the cave they found a table with three plates on it. Upon each plate was a slice of bread with marmite on top.

Luckily, all three men like marmite - so the Englishman decided he'd have a try. As he approached the table he heard an echoey voice say...

"I am the voice of Aunty Mable, leave those slices on the table!"

The Englishman ran away scared.

The Scotsman decided to have a go. He approached the table, reached out his hand and the voice sounded...

"I am the voice of Aunty Mable, leave those slices on the table!"

The Scotsman ran away so quick he almost left his bagpipes behind!

The Irishman had a better idea. He crept up to the table slowly, picked up all three slices of bread, and gobbled them up as quick as he could. The ghost's voice sounded...

"I told you once, I told you twice, I wiped my a|^$e on every slice!"

The Irishman licked his lips and said, "I thought they tasted funny."

John Major visited a school last week. In one class, he asks the pupils if anyone can give him an example of a "Tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a 'Tragedy'."

"No," Major says, "That would be an 'Accident'."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a 'Tragedy'."

"I'M afraid not," explains Major. "That is what we would call a 'Great Loss'."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteered. "What?" asks Major, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a 'Tragedy'?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In the timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying John and Norma Major were blown up by a bomb, that would be a 'Tragedy'."

"Wonderful!" Major beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a 'Tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an 'Accident', and it certainly would be no 'Great Loss'!"