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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
A guy is about to meet his girlfriend's family for dinner, and he knows that afterwards he's gonna get it on with her for the first time. So, to prepare, he goes to a pharmacy and asks the guy at the counter for some condoms.
The Pharmacist replies: "Well, we sell them in three different sizes- single packs, six packs, and family packs of 24".
The guy thinks about it for a while and says: "Well, it's our first time, so we'll probably be at it all night and then some... Better make it the family pack."
___________________________________________________
Later:
This guy turns up at the girlfriend's house, and meets the family. Everything seems to be going pretty well, but he's been quiet all evening. His girlfriend asks him whether it's because it'll be his first time that night.
He replies: "Oh no! It's not that! It's just that... I never knew your father was a pharmacist"
Sonic
The Pharmacist replies: "Well, we sell them in three different sizes- single packs, six packs, and family packs of 24".
The guy thinks about it for a while and says: "Well, it's our first time, so we'll probably be at it all night and then some... Better make it the family pack."
___________________________________________________
Later:
This guy turns up at the girlfriend's house, and meets the family. Everything seems to be going pretty well, but he's been quiet all evening. His girlfriend asks him whether it's because it'll be his first time that night.
He replies: "Oh no! It's not that! It's just that... I never knew your father was a pharmacist"
Sonic
RM18 should win for his annoying guide one, even though he didnt make it up it's the funniest one here.
Posh Kid wrote:
> What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>
> The balls are just for decoration.
HAHA!
> What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>
> The balls are just for decoration.
HAHA!
Bar room translations:-
1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (Female) (I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (Male) (I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (Female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male) (I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (Male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (Male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)
13. "Excuse Me." (Female to male) (Don't even think about groping me; just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (Female to female) (Move your fat bum. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, cow, like the ho you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (Male) (I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (Female) (I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (Female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (Female) (I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (Male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (Female) (I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (Male) (I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (Female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male) (I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (Male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (Male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)
13. "Excuse Me." (Female to male) (Don't even think about groping me; just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (Female to female) (Move your fat bum. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, cow, like the ho you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (Male) (I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (Female) (I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (Female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (Female) (I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (Male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! I wonder what it means?"
The man replied, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. The woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled "Interpreting Dreams".
The man replied, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. The woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled "Interpreting Dreams".
What do you call a intelligent blonde???
A golden retriever.
A golden retriever.
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. She is asleep, so he just sits down and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
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