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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Yo' mama so dumb, she waited at a STOP sign until it said GO!
Yo' mama's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear
Yo' mama's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear
Another Microsoft one, Bill Gates has a kid...
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:
Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:
Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Leroy/Mario is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole
school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary
words to use in sentences.
Here's what he handed in:
HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was
HONOROLL.
PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He
said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one
MOBILE."
DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and
smoke weed.
LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some
change.
DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA
boy!"
COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said,
"COPULATE!"
FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can
only FASCINATE!
BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get
a job?"
COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be
thrown out the COATROOM."
DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on
DECIDE.
school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary
words to use in sentences.
Here's what he handed in:
HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was
HONOROLL.
PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He
said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one
MOBILE."
DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and
smoke weed.
LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some
change.
DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA
boy!"
COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said,
"COPULATE!"
FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can
only FASCINATE!
BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get
a job?"
COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be
thrown out the COATROOM."
DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on
DECIDE.
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”
"Inventions by Idiots"
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine
What do lawyers use as contaceptives?
Their personalities.
Their personalities.
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
What's the difference between bogeys and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
Kids don't eat broccoli.
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