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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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A bloke jumps into the Local Pub for a you-know-what. As he's about to buy a pint, he glances at a sign on the wall.
"Complete 3 Landlord Tasks, win £5000!"
"Christ, that can't be hard" he says. He asks the landlord what the tasks are...
"I could do 'em no bother. I'm a little skint anyway so I could use the money"
The landlord lays down the 3 tasks:
"Well, if you decide to take this the three tasks are as follows..."
"Your first task will be to attack the guy in the corner, kick his teeth in."
"Yeah, yeah! I can do that... No danger. What's the next one?"
"Your second task is to take the tooth out of my pet Wrotweiler(sp?) downstairs, he's been moaning for weeks about the pain"
"Um. Yeah, am your man... What's the last one?" He says worryingly.
"Your last task... Ugh, there is an 80 yr old virgin upstairs, I think you catch the drift."
"Right, am your man... Let's get it over with."
The guy runs into the corner and completely whacks the other guy around for a bit, blood, teeth, the lot are flying around.
"Well done, now go do the second task" The landlord states.
The guy then heads for the basement. After a while you can hear the dog screaming and moaning, aches and pains...
The guy then runs up and exclaims:
"Right, now that that's done... Where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
"Complete 3 Landlord Tasks, win £5000!"
"Christ, that can't be hard" he says. He asks the landlord what the tasks are...
"I could do 'em no bother. I'm a little skint anyway so I could use the money"
The landlord lays down the 3 tasks:
"Well, if you decide to take this the three tasks are as follows..."
"Your first task will be to attack the guy in the corner, kick his teeth in."
"Yeah, yeah! I can do that... No danger. What's the next one?"
"Your second task is to take the tooth out of my pet Wrotweiler(sp?) downstairs, he's been moaning for weeks about the pain"
"Um. Yeah, am your man... What's the last one?" He says worryingly.
"Your last task... Ugh, there is an 80 yr old virgin upstairs, I think you catch the drift."
"Right, am your man... Let's get it over with."
The guy runs into the corner and completely whacks the other guy around for a bit, blood, teeth, the lot are flying around.
"Well done, now go do the second task" The landlord states.
The guy then heads for the basement. After a while you can hear the dog screaming and moaning, aches and pains...
The guy then runs up and exclaims:
"Right, now that that's done... Where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
Some race horses were boasting about their track records. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse broke in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
A greyhound overheard and came over. "I don't mean to boast," said the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses were clearly amazed. "Wow!" said one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Another horse broke in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
A greyhound overheard and came over. "I don't mean to boast," said the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses were clearly amazed. "Wow!" said one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.
Ram Pam Sim Wimm
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. Therefore, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
E.T. phoned home.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.
Ram Pam Sim Wimm
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. Therefore, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
I hate you i loathe you......oh sorry i thought you were my wife.
Short and sweet.
Short and sweet.
Why did the Donkey cross the road?
Because he did.
*Ba boom crash*
Because he did.
*Ba boom crash*
A man is having certain troubles pleasing his wife in bed. He knows it, she knows it, but she says nothing. This goes on for a while and it’s getting the man down, so he decides to visit a doctor.
When he tells the doctor the situation, he says, “maybe fantasy is the key, why don’t you try hiring a male escort and getting him to stand around half-naked waving a towel around?” A little bemused, the man agrees and hires a male escort for that night.
He does as the doctor says, but still no joy. He goes to see the doctor again, but this time he says, “Try swapping roles with the escort.” “OK, doc, whatever you say.” The man walks off and hires the same escort again.
When they get home, the roles are swapped. The escort goes with his wife and the husband flaps a towel around them. Sure enough, within minutes, his wife is screaming her head having the time of her life.
When they are finished, the man walks up to the husband and goes, “see, that’s how you wave a towel around!”
Hope that's not too rude :).
When he tells the doctor the situation, he says, “maybe fantasy is the key, why don’t you try hiring a male escort and getting him to stand around half-naked waving a towel around?” A little bemused, the man agrees and hires a male escort for that night.
He does as the doctor says, but still no joy. He goes to see the doctor again, but this time he says, “Try swapping roles with the escort.” “OK, doc, whatever you say.” The man walks off and hires the same escort again.
When they get home, the roles are swapped. The escort goes with his wife and the husband flaps a towel around them. Sure enough, within minutes, his wife is screaming her head having the time of her life.
When they are finished, the man walks up to the husband and goes, “see, that’s how you wave a towel around!”
Hope that's not too rude :).
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
Artificial intelligence.
Ok i just want to say a few things first. Tony i must say you dont look 50 more like 35, you also act like a cool 25 year old. There all out, now for the joke.
Well bartez(man utd goaly) was well depresed after his bad performances. He had played some really bad goaling and had let a few through his legs. The press had a field day it was everywhere. By now he was on the verge of commiting suicide. He decided he would play another game and see what happened. Bad choice he let another goal through his legs. He decided this was it he was going to kill himself after all the things had been said about him, he decided to jump infront of bus, well when he saw a bus come along he saw his chance he jumped in to the front of the road but the bus went straight through his legs.
LOL (i hope)
Well bartez(man utd goaly) was well depresed after his bad performances. He had played some really bad goaling and had let a few through his legs. The press had a field day it was everywhere. By now he was on the verge of commiting suicide. He decided he would play another game and see what happened. Bad choice he let another goal through his legs. He decided this was it he was going to kill himself after all the things had been said about him, he decided to jump infront of bus, well when he saw a bus come along he saw his chance he jumped in to the front of the road but the bus went straight through his legs.
LOL (i hope)
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Is there a baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "There sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With a look of shock, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
She answered, "There sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With a look of shock, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
Two blondes went shopping one day in their brand new, cherry red sports car. When they returned from the shopping they realised that they had locked their keys in the car.
After trying for an hour and a half to get the keys out, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"
After trying for an hour and a half to get the keys out, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"
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