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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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THE OFFICIAL RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Special Note:
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Special Note:
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Why did the Elephant cross the road?
Cause it was stuck to the Chickens foot.....ummmm...well....ummmmm
*runs*
Cause it was stuck to the Chickens foot.....ummmm...well....ummmmm
*runs*
*realises he's lost all chances of winning*
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
There's a Scottishman, Englishman, and an Irishman. They travel to this Ancient Mountain called Mt. Wishislu...
Whilst climbing it, they meet a shaman.
"Do you know.. If you jump off this mountain and shout what you wish for, you'll land in it. And have forever bliss."
"No, no way... Impossible" They all incoherantly shout.
"No, no... Trust me... I'm a wish old shaman"
The Scottishman says he wants to go first, and prove him wrong. He jumps off and shouts - "MONEY!".
The Scottishman lands in a pile of coins and notes.
"OMG, he says! Come down here quick! It's superb!"
The Englishman, bedazzled by the Scottishmans recent luck jumps off too. He shouts - "WOMAN!".
The lucky Englishman lands in a big pile of woman.
"Oh my good gawd, thank you Shaman, thank you!!!"
The shaman says it's the Irishman's turn to go...
The Irishman is about to jump... But it goe's wrong, he slips. In mid-air he shouts - "OH S**T!".
...Need me to finish? =P
Whilst climbing it, they meet a shaman.
"Do you know.. If you jump off this mountain and shout what you wish for, you'll land in it. And have forever bliss."
"No, no way... Impossible" They all incoherantly shout.
"No, no... Trust me... I'm a wish old shaman"
The Scottishman says he wants to go first, and prove him wrong. He jumps off and shouts - "MONEY!".
The Scottishman lands in a pile of coins and notes.
"OMG, he says! Come down here quick! It's superb!"
The Englishman, bedazzled by the Scottishmans recent luck jumps off too. He shouts - "WOMAN!".
The lucky Englishman lands in a big pile of woman.
"Oh my good gawd, thank you Shaman, thank you!!!"
The shaman says it's the Irishman's turn to go...
The Irishman is about to jump... But it goe's wrong, he slips. In mid-air he shouts - "OH S**T!".
...Need me to finish? =P
Real life definitions
Ability - what you have to get by on if you don't kiss up to the boss
Adult Education - a strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you when you were young enough to profit from it
B.A. - a degree indicating the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet -- backwards
Bride - a woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband carries her across the threshold
Career Girl - a woman who gets a man's salary without marrying one
Clever Girl - a woman who knows how to give a man her own way
College - an institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks, but not what to put between them
Domestic harmony - music produced when a husband plays second fiddle
Education - what you have left over when you subtract what you've forgotten from what you've learned
Experience - what you think you have until such time you acquire more
Good breeding - that quality which enables a person to wait in well mannered silence, while the loudmouth gets service
Idiot - any person who fails to see your point in a discussion
Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice
Ability - what you have to get by on if you don't kiss up to the boss
Adult Education - a strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you when you were young enough to profit from it
B.A. - a degree indicating the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet -- backwards
Bride - a woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband carries her across the threshold
Career Girl - a woman who gets a man's salary without marrying one
Clever Girl - a woman who knows how to give a man her own way
College - an institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks, but not what to put between them
Domestic harmony - music produced when a husband plays second fiddle
Education - what you have left over when you subtract what you've forgotten from what you've learned
Experience - what you think you have until such time you acquire more
Good breeding - that quality which enables a person to wait in well mannered silence, while the loudmouth gets service
Idiot - any person who fails to see your point in a discussion
Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice
The staff are going to have loads of jokes to go throught to decide the winner.
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