The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
Page:
Back in the coach, our heros were just realising they had lost sight of Rasta and the insane Tesco guy, when the also realised that they were heading straight for a cliff. YH then proceeded to say a really bad joke about a cliff-hanger. Wookie laughed. Loudly.
--------
Pb's doorbell rang. At the same time, his alarm clock went off, to signify it was time to collect the paper. The two ringins confused him dearly, and caused him to open is alarm clock while kicking the door. As the alarm clock opened up, a message suddenly blurted out from a sexy female voice inside it:
"This clock will start playing the Mario theme tune in 5 seconds."
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
So, for the next few minutes, Pb ran around his lair screaming loudly, until running into his big computer thang, which knocked him out.
5 minutes later, Pb woke up. Where was he? A hospital? Prison? No, he was still in his lair, and the bell was still going. Angry and dazed, he went over to the door. A short man with a big smile on his face had a spoon being held by his neck in a man wearing an annoying supermarket uniform. He spoke like he was trying to be a hero.
"I must take refuge here, I can't tell you my name, for-"
Pb then punched him. The other man spoke out.
"Bull's-eye, Jim"
--------
Pb's doorbell rang. At the same time, his alarm clock went off, to signify it was time to collect the paper. The two ringins confused him dearly, and caused him to open is alarm clock while kicking the door. As the alarm clock opened up, a message suddenly blurted out from a sexy female voice inside it:
"This clock will start playing the Mario theme tune in 5 seconds."
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
So, for the next few minutes, Pb ran around his lair screaming loudly, until running into his big computer thang, which knocked him out.
5 minutes later, Pb woke up. Where was he? A hospital? Prison? No, he was still in his lair, and the bell was still going. Angry and dazed, he went over to the door. A short man with a big smile on his face had a spoon being held by his neck in a man wearing an annoying supermarket uniform. He spoke like he was trying to be a hero.
"I must take refuge here, I can't tell you my name, for-"
Pb then punched him. The other man spoke out.
"Bull's-eye, Jim"
Back in the coach, our heros were just realising they had lost sight of Rasta and the insane Tesco guy, when the also realised that they were heading straight for a cliff. YH then proceeded to say a really bad joke about a cliff-hanger. Wookie laughed. Loudly.
--------
Pb's doorbell rang. At the same time, his alarm clock went off, to signify it was time to collect the paper. The two ringins confused him dearly, and caused him to open is alarm clock while kicking the door. As the alarm clock opened up, a message suddenly blurted out from a sexy female voice inside it:
"This clock will start playing the Mario theme tune in 5 seconds."
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
So, for the next few minutes, Pb ran around his lair screaming loudly, until running into his big computer thang, which knocked him out.
5 minutes later, Pb woke up. Where was he? A hospital? Prison? No, he was still in his lair, and the bell was still going. Angry and dazed, he went over to the door. A short man with a big smile on his face had a spoon being held by his neck in a man wearing an annoying supermarket uniform. He spoke like he was trying to be a hero.
"I must take refuge here, I can't tell you my name, for-"
Pb then punched him. The other man spoke out.
"Bull's-eye, Jim"
--------
Pb's doorbell rang. At the same time, his alarm clock went off, to signify it was time to collect the paper. The two ringins confused him dearly, and caused him to open is alarm clock while kicking the door. As the alarm clock opened up, a message suddenly blurted out from a sexy female voice inside it:
"This clock will start playing the Mario theme tune in 5 seconds."
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
So, for the next few minutes, Pb ran around his lair screaming loudly, until running into his big computer thang, which knocked him out.
5 minutes later, Pb woke up. Where was he? A hospital? Prison? No, he was still in his lair, and the bell was still going. Angry and dazed, he went over to the door. A short man with a big smile on his face had a spoon being held by his neck in a man wearing an annoying supermarket uniform. He spoke like he was trying to be a hero.
"I must take refuge here, I can't tell you my name, for-"
Pb then punched him. The other man spoke out.
"Bull's-eye, Jim"
"But what do we do?" FM asked.
"Eh?"
"He said we've got a week ior he'll bomb Britain... but... err... What do we do in that week?"
"MAKE A CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH!" Said Stryke, and exploded. Bits of him went everywhere, Wookiee and Your Honour wiped the blood from their face in hysterics.
So we were all driving along in a great big bus... or was it a bathtub? Yes, it was a bathtub.
"The steering wheel's gone." Grix said. "I'm sure we had one before."
"Never mind that! Watch out for the elephants!" Ant said, who then grew wings and flew off.
Elephants started raining from the sky, and they landed everywhere! They landed on the road and bounced back up into the sky, and their trucks turned into machines guns and attacked the police!
Meanwhile, Rasta had gained control of the situation and was beating Insane Bartender to death with a wooden spoon.
------------------
-BACK IN THE BAR-
"Rasta?" Meka said.
"Yes Susan?"
"Let someone else tell the story."
"Righto."
"Eh?"
"He said we've got a week ior he'll bomb Britain... but... err... What do we do in that week?"
"MAKE A CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWICH!" Said Stryke, and exploded. Bits of him went everywhere, Wookiee and Your Honour wiped the blood from their face in hysterics.
So we were all driving along in a great big bus... or was it a bathtub? Yes, it was a bathtub.
"The steering wheel's gone." Grix said. "I'm sure we had one before."
"Never mind that! Watch out for the elephants!" Ant said, who then grew wings and flew off.
Elephants started raining from the sky, and they landed everywhere! They landed on the road and bounced back up into the sky, and their trucks turned into machines guns and attacked the police!
Meanwhile, Rasta had gained control of the situation and was beating Insane Bartender to death with a wooden spoon.
------------------
-BACK IN THE BAR-
"Rasta?" Meka said.
"Yes Susan?"
"Let someone else tell the story."
"Righto."
The bus fell silent. Quite an impressive feat considering that there was: Ant, Goatboy, Sheepy, Meka, Stryke, FM, Grix, YH and Wookiee in it. (Just a nice little recap there, for those that were unsure).
Silence descended like a.... burst hot balloon - all screaming and sweaing.
"There's a f####ng what?!?!"
"A bomb?"
"Gay."
"Oh crap."
Etc etc. I'm sure you get the idea.
"Well, ummm, some one needs to go have a look at it. Any volunteers?" Asked Meka.
Silence really did descend this time.
"Sniper. I think you should go."
"Yeah!"
"Same here"
"Good idea"
"Nice one."
"Gay."
They lowered Sniper through the hatch in the floor, which happened to be nice and close to the bomb, so he could get a good look at it. It was connected to the rear axel of the bus.
"Hmmm, if this is like Speed, right? Then the bomb is activated once we go over a certain speed. Sniper, are there any lights on, on the bomb?"
"No."
"Good. That means that if we don't go any faster, then the bomb won't activate, and we won't die."
"Ah, but if we don't go faster, then we get caught by the police."
"Lads, it's decision time...."
- - - - - - - - - - -
Pb walked into the main control room of his Evil HQ. You could tell it was evil, because it was painted in dark colours, and pb was wearing all black. There were also lots of big screens showing parts of countries, and a picture of a big bomb on the wall.
"Mr Bush, are you sure you want to do this, Sir?"
Paul Bush (pb for you thick ones), thought.
"No. We'll give them one more warning. Turn on the transmitter, I will broadcast over all radio stations."
- - - - - - - - - -
Back in the bus, an argument was going on. It was soon stopped however, by a funny noise coming from the radio.
"This is Lord pb, and this is your last chance. My Daddy says I'm special, and my daddy says I should blow somewhere up today. Just to show you all that the Good Ol' U S of A is the best!
I'll spin the wheel, and where ever it lands will get a Bomb land on it this time next week!"
A noise like a spinning roulette wheel can be heard out of the radio.
"Ok, it's landed on UK." The voice goes quiet, as if whispering, "What the hell state is that in? I haven't heard of UK before." Pause. "Is it? Oh, right...
"That's right! You've got one week, or I'll blow the UK up into little incy-wincy pieces - Yahooooo!"
Grix turned to the group.
"Oh b****r."
Silence descended like a.... burst hot balloon - all screaming and sweaing.
"There's a f####ng what?!?!"
"A bomb?"
"Gay."
"Oh crap."
Etc etc. I'm sure you get the idea.
"Well, ummm, some one needs to go have a look at it. Any volunteers?" Asked Meka.
Silence really did descend this time.
"Sniper. I think you should go."
"Yeah!"
"Same here"
"Good idea"
"Nice one."
"Gay."
They lowered Sniper through the hatch in the floor, which happened to be nice and close to the bomb, so he could get a good look at it. It was connected to the rear axel of the bus.
"Hmmm, if this is like Speed, right? Then the bomb is activated once we go over a certain speed. Sniper, are there any lights on, on the bomb?"
"No."
"Good. That means that if we don't go any faster, then the bomb won't activate, and we won't die."
"Ah, but if we don't go faster, then we get caught by the police."
"Lads, it's decision time...."
- - - - - - - - - - -
Pb walked into the main control room of his Evil HQ. You could tell it was evil, because it was painted in dark colours, and pb was wearing all black. There were also lots of big screens showing parts of countries, and a picture of a big bomb on the wall.
"Mr Bush, are you sure you want to do this, Sir?"
Paul Bush (pb for you thick ones), thought.
"No. We'll give them one more warning. Turn on the transmitter, I will broadcast over all radio stations."
- - - - - - - - - -
Back in the bus, an argument was going on. It was soon stopped however, by a funny noise coming from the radio.
"This is Lord pb, and this is your last chance. My Daddy says I'm special, and my daddy says I should blow somewhere up today. Just to show you all that the Good Ol' U S of A is the best!
I'll spin the wheel, and where ever it lands will get a Bomb land on it this time next week!"
A noise like a spinning roulette wheel can be heard out of the radio.
"Ok, it's landed on UK." The voice goes quiet, as if whispering, "What the hell state is that in? I haven't heard of UK before." Pause. "Is it? Oh, right...
"That's right! You've got one week, or I'll blow the UK up into little incy-wincy pieces - Yahooooo!"
Grix turned to the group.
"Oh b****r."
YH had remembered another joke and was fast to tell Wookiee.
" Right get this right... if those police were like y'know from Ireland and they liked cooking and they caught up with us and arrested us... what would they say? " he said grining.
" Dunno " replied Wookiee, anxious for the answer
" Irish Stew in the name of the law "
The two burst into laughter and slapped each other on the back.
er-no had now joined Goatboy and Ant looking at the cloud...
" No, NO.. it's breaking up " yelled Goatboy and began to hit his head off the window.
-----
" Can we put on the jukebox Bob? " said Rasta
" Jukebox? "
Rasta pointed to the radio
" Jukebox, jukebox... pop-a-diddy-pop yah? "
" No... MUSIC IS FOR THE WEAK... I AM NOT WEAK AWRIGHT? "
" Okay, no jukebox... I'll sing Counting Crows "
Rasta proceded to sing... Bartender's eye began to twitch
----
So the chase was still on... like Wacky Races... Bartender and Rasta leading, followed by the bus of our characters and some police people who were chasing the bus because Sheepy stole a pineapple.
" Heh... this is like that film with Sandra Bolllock in it... what's it called? " asked Sheepy
" It's Bullock " said Stryke
" I thought it was alright " Sheepy replied. " Y'know the one though, there was a bomb on the bus and they couldn't go below the 50mph or it go BOOM-CHA "
" Speed " replied Stryke, the film master (as he called himself)
" No thanks, drugs are bad kids " said Goatboy who was drawing a naked woman on the back of the seat.
" Gay "
" What now Sniper? "
" I found a bomb "
" Oh crap " said er-no.
---
" Right get this right... if those police were like y'know from Ireland and they liked cooking and they caught up with us and arrested us... what would they say? " he said grining.
" Dunno " replied Wookiee, anxious for the answer
" Irish Stew in the name of the law "
The two burst into laughter and slapped each other on the back.
er-no had now joined Goatboy and Ant looking at the cloud...
" No, NO.. it's breaking up " yelled Goatboy and began to hit his head off the window.
-----
" Can we put on the jukebox Bob? " said Rasta
" Jukebox? "
Rasta pointed to the radio
" Jukebox, jukebox... pop-a-diddy-pop yah? "
" No... MUSIC IS FOR THE WEAK... I AM NOT WEAK AWRIGHT? "
" Okay, no jukebox... I'll sing Counting Crows "
Rasta proceded to sing... Bartender's eye began to twitch
----
So the chase was still on... like Wacky Races... Bartender and Rasta leading, followed by the bus of our characters and some police people who were chasing the bus because Sheepy stole a pineapple.
" Heh... this is like that film with Sandra Bolllock in it... what's it called? " asked Sheepy
" It's Bullock " said Stryke
" I thought it was alright " Sheepy replied. " Y'know the one though, there was a bomb on the bus and they couldn't go below the 50mph or it go BOOM-CHA "
" Speed " replied Stryke, the film master (as he called himself)
" No thanks, drugs are bad kids " said Goatboy who was drawing a naked woman on the back of the seat.
" Gay "
" What now Sniper? "
" I found a bomb "
" Oh crap " said er-no.
---
"What does this do Jim?"
"It beeps the horn." said Insane Bartender.
"There's no cow in it, Jim."
"A car horn. Not a cow horn."
"Where's the cow, Jim?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Is that cow language, Jim?"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"My mum says I'm special." finished Rasta.
--
"Hey, hey, UNDERSTAND UK!" blared the voice from the radio.
There was a groan from Stryke. "Thats Westwood. Turn it off."
"Gay." Said Sniper, but this didn't really mean anything.
"How come you're still alive?" asked Meka, curiously.
"Gay."
"Fair enough."
Grix was staring out of the window thoughtfully. Ug, eh?
"If you squint your eyes and lean your head to the side a bit, that cloud looks like a naked lady." commented Goatboy.
"KRAZY!" yelled the radio.
"Shut up!" yelled Stryke back.
"Calm....calm...be in my place..." said Sheepy, eating his pineapple.
"Eh?"
"Gay."
"Really, naked?!" That was Ant.
FM floored the pedal. Unfortunately, all this did was wear out his already underused ankle muscles. He sat there panting, surprised at how smoking and playing games all day had made him so unfit.
Then he shrugged and lit up. "Grix, you drive. I'm tired."
"Drive, eh? GET IT!" yelled YH. Wookiee looked at him strangely, and then they both burst out laughing.
Grix seized the wheel. It was lost on everyone except Meka that they were pursuing a midget in a car down a motorway while being chased by police.
"Meka, we're not gaining on the homicidial guy and Rasta."
"Do we really want to?"
Grix thought about this. "ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS?!" he yelled to the bus.
"Gay."
"YEAH, I'M FEELING THAT!" bellowed the radio.
"I hate that guy."
--
"It beeps the horn." said Insane Bartender.
"There's no cow in it, Jim."
"A car horn. Not a cow horn."
"Where's the cow, Jim?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Is that cow language, Jim?"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"My mum says I'm special." finished Rasta.
--
"Hey, hey, UNDERSTAND UK!" blared the voice from the radio.
There was a groan from Stryke. "Thats Westwood. Turn it off."
"Gay." Said Sniper, but this didn't really mean anything.
"How come you're still alive?" asked Meka, curiously.
"Gay."
"Fair enough."
Grix was staring out of the window thoughtfully. Ug, eh?
"If you squint your eyes and lean your head to the side a bit, that cloud looks like a naked lady." commented Goatboy.
"KRAZY!" yelled the radio.
"Shut up!" yelled Stryke back.
"Calm....calm...be in my place..." said Sheepy, eating his pineapple.
"Eh?"
"Gay."
"Really, naked?!" That was Ant.
FM floored the pedal. Unfortunately, all this did was wear out his already underused ankle muscles. He sat there panting, surprised at how smoking and playing games all day had made him so unfit.
Then he shrugged and lit up. "Grix, you drive. I'm tired."
"Drive, eh? GET IT!" yelled YH. Wookiee looked at him strangely, and then they both burst out laughing.
Grix seized the wheel. It was lost on everyone except Meka that they were pursuing a midget in a car down a motorway while being chased by police.
"Meka, we're not gaining on the homicidial guy and Rasta."
"Do we really want to?"
Grix thought about this. "ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS?!" he yelled to the bus.
"Gay."
"YEAH, I'M FEELING THAT!" bellowed the radio.
"I hate that guy."
--
"They don't sell toilets Jim." Rasta said. "I asked the nice man. They don't take spleens as a currency either. I'm sure I saw the sign on the door."
"Ok, not to worry." Grix replied. "I don't need a dump anymore anyway."
"I do." Ant said.
"Then go to the toilet, they've got toilets here, haven't they?"
"No, they're closed." Said FantasyMeister.
"That sucks balls."
"I want you all to leave."
Everyone looked around for the strange new voice.
"You can't stay here." Said the man in the red uniform with a little Tesco badge on.
"Why can't we? Mr..." Meka looked for the name on the badge... "...Trainee."
"Why does it need so many people to go shopping?" The man said, narrowing his eyes... "I find it a -little- suspicious that there are so many of you walking..." Sniper moved his hand quickly to scratch his bum...
"GET DOWN!"
The Tesco stacking assistant trainee pulled out a gun... everyone dived out of the way, except Rasta, who dived in slow motion. He fired two shots at Sniper, who fell to the floor, dead.
"Holy cow!" Goatboy shouted. "He just killed Sniper!"
"You bloody insane barsteward!" Grix yelled.
"That's my name, don't wear it out." The trainee said, before swinging the gun around on his finger, and dropping it on the floor. It clanked and bounced on the sticky Tesco flooring.
"I meant to do that." The Tesco trainee said.
Armed guards and Tesco managers started running down the aisles towards them...
"OI!" One manager shouted as he ran down towards them. "Oi! You, Insane Bartender! What's going on here!"
"This boy here was going to take a gun from his pocket, so I shot him."
"He wasn't carrying anything! He didn't have a gun!" Stryke yelled.
"Why do you care?" Your Honour asked. "It's Sniper."
"Oh..." Stryke looked down on the dead body of Sniper. "Good point, never mind."
An armed guard poked around Sniper's body... "He's right, he's completely harmless."
"Sniper in a nutshell." Grix mumbled to himself.
"Hand over your gun, Bartender." The manager said.
"NO!!" He yelled, taking the gun out and pointing it at them. The armed guards drew out their guns, all pointed at Insane Bartender... so he grabbed the nearest person to him...
"Good golly Dave, this is a bit exciting." Rasta said, as Bartender held the gun to his head.
He walked backwards, using Rasta as a human shield, and ran out of the Tesco, where he got into his Volkswagon Polo and drove off, with Rasta in the passenger seat.
"Poor guy." Meka said.
"Yeah... he won't survive ten minutes with Rasta as a hostage." Grix replied.
Sheepy, carrying a pineapple, walked back to group.
"What's happenned?" Sheepy asked.
"Sniper got killed and Rasta's been kidnapped." Fantasymeister said.
"Sniper's here."
They looked around, Sniper was looking at the ingredients of a tin of Tesco Value Beans.
He looked around, and said "Contains beans." and then went back to reading it.
"Ok. Rasta's been kidnapped."
They all looked at Sniper, and looked at each other.
Grix walked out towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Fantasymeister asked.
"To rescue Rasta!"
"But he was annoying." Goatboy said.
"Oh come on, you don't all think that, do you?"
The whole crowd nodded.
"That's half the point... I mean..."
Grix looked back at the group staring at him.
Meka stepped up to Grix. "Well I'm coming with you Grix. Rasta is annoying, but he's my friend."
"He's not my friend." Someone in the crowd said.
"Or mine."
"We'll pay you." Grix said.
------------
Fantasymeister drove the bus down the highway, in the direction the Polo speeded off in.
"We're not really going to pay you." Grix said.
"Gits." Replied Goatboy.
FM tuned in the radio, which was a coincidence considering his name and stuff, or something. Especially since he tuned it to MW first. But he ended up on FM. And he didn't even notice that the initials were like his name. Quite odd.
But anyway, a newsflash came on the radio. It said that the Tesco employee that killed a boy and kidnapped another earlier today had been completely lost by police, but the bus load of thieves who had stolen from them in the chaos were being chased.
FM looked in the mirror. "Hey, look at that! They're right!"
"Ok, not to worry." Grix replied. "I don't need a dump anymore anyway."
"I do." Ant said.
"Then go to the toilet, they've got toilets here, haven't they?"
"No, they're closed." Said FantasyMeister.
"That sucks balls."
"I want you all to leave."
Everyone looked around for the strange new voice.
"You can't stay here." Said the man in the red uniform with a little Tesco badge on.
"Why can't we? Mr..." Meka looked for the name on the badge... "...Trainee."
"Why does it need so many people to go shopping?" The man said, narrowing his eyes... "I find it a -little- suspicious that there are so many of you walking..." Sniper moved his hand quickly to scratch his bum...
"GET DOWN!"
The Tesco stacking assistant trainee pulled out a gun... everyone dived out of the way, except Rasta, who dived in slow motion. He fired two shots at Sniper, who fell to the floor, dead.
"Holy cow!" Goatboy shouted. "He just killed Sniper!"
"You bloody insane barsteward!" Grix yelled.
"That's my name, don't wear it out." The trainee said, before swinging the gun around on his finger, and dropping it on the floor. It clanked and bounced on the sticky Tesco flooring.
"I meant to do that." The Tesco trainee said.
Armed guards and Tesco managers started running down the aisles towards them...
"OI!" One manager shouted as he ran down towards them. "Oi! You, Insane Bartender! What's going on here!"
"This boy here was going to take a gun from his pocket, so I shot him."
"He wasn't carrying anything! He didn't have a gun!" Stryke yelled.
"Why do you care?" Your Honour asked. "It's Sniper."
"Oh..." Stryke looked down on the dead body of Sniper. "Good point, never mind."
An armed guard poked around Sniper's body... "He's right, he's completely harmless."
"Sniper in a nutshell." Grix mumbled to himself.
"Hand over your gun, Bartender." The manager said.
"NO!!" He yelled, taking the gun out and pointing it at them. The armed guards drew out their guns, all pointed at Insane Bartender... so he grabbed the nearest person to him...
"Good golly Dave, this is a bit exciting." Rasta said, as Bartender held the gun to his head.
He walked backwards, using Rasta as a human shield, and ran out of the Tesco, where he got into his Volkswagon Polo and drove off, with Rasta in the passenger seat.
"Poor guy." Meka said.
"Yeah... he won't survive ten minutes with Rasta as a hostage." Grix replied.
Sheepy, carrying a pineapple, walked back to group.
"What's happenned?" Sheepy asked.
"Sniper got killed and Rasta's been kidnapped." Fantasymeister said.
"Sniper's here."
They looked around, Sniper was looking at the ingredients of a tin of Tesco Value Beans.
He looked around, and said "Contains beans." and then went back to reading it.
"Ok. Rasta's been kidnapped."
They all looked at Sniper, and looked at each other.
Grix walked out towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Fantasymeister asked.
"To rescue Rasta!"
"But he was annoying." Goatboy said.
"Oh come on, you don't all think that, do you?"
The whole crowd nodded.
"That's half the point... I mean..."
Grix looked back at the group staring at him.
Meka stepped up to Grix. "Well I'm coming with you Grix. Rasta is annoying, but he's my friend."
"He's not my friend." Someone in the crowd said.
"Or mine."
"We'll pay you." Grix said.
------------
Fantasymeister drove the bus down the highway, in the direction the Polo speeded off in.
"We're not really going to pay you." Grix said.
"Gits." Replied Goatboy.
FM tuned in the radio, which was a coincidence considering his name and stuff, or something. Especially since he tuned it to MW first. But he ended up on FM. And he didn't even notice that the initials were like his name. Quite odd.
But anyway, a newsflash came on the radio. It said that the Tesco employee that killed a boy and kidnapped another earlier today had been completely lost by police, but the bus load of thieves who had stolen from them in the chaos were being chased.
FM looked in the mirror. "Hey, look at that! They're right!"
'Wait up!' er-no and Ant shouted after they became left behind as er-no tried to show Ant that some wrestling moves can hurt.
'We walking closer! Army camp moving away!' RBS screamed with terror.
'Look you gay, you are walking backwards!' Goatboy shouted.
'pssst Goatboy, we could have lost him then' Stryke whispered.
'Damn.... damn...'
The group walked towards the shopping centre, not really sure where the adverture was going they knew they needed to get there as too many people were writting about them being outside the shop and not really going anywhere.
'Here we are then!' claimed YH.
'Let me pull nail from your male boob' RBS screamed at Goatboy
Wookie burst into laughter for no reason, it was enough of a distraction to allow Goatboy to move away from the insane RBS.
'Lets all go inside then!' ordered Grix.
'We walking closer! Army camp moving away!' RBS screamed with terror.
'Look you gay, you are walking backwards!' Goatboy shouted.
'pssst Goatboy, we could have lost him then' Stryke whispered.
'Damn.... damn...'
The group walked towards the shopping centre, not really sure where the adverture was going they knew they needed to get there as too many people were writting about them being outside the shop and not really going anywhere.
'Here we are then!' claimed YH.
'Let me pull nail from your male boob' RBS screamed at Goatboy
Wookie burst into laughter for no reason, it was enough of a distraction to allow Goatboy to move away from the insane RBS.
'Lets all go inside then!' ordered Grix.
" FantasyMeister Sir. Never wrong, always right "
" Well... nice to meet you " said Meka. " Would you like to join us? we're on an adventure, I think".
" Yes, that would be nice " said FM as he stubbed out his fag
" Where's the rest of the army? " said Rasta as he stroked FM's hair. FM looked at Grix slightly puzzled..
" Ignore him, let me introduce you to everyone"
*Introductions etc, now everyone knows everyone*
Unknown to the others - FM was running away from some government people who were trying to make him get a job, although that's not important. The author just wanted to point out FM's jobless-ness.
Rasta was running round Ant humming
HUUUUMMMM I AM A BEE
" Sooooooo " said Meka. " Could I have a fag please? "
FM hands Meka a fag, he lights up and then begins to joke then vomits
" You don't smoke " laughed FM
" No, I thought I'd start, something to get me away from these nutters "
The group stood there for a while having conversations between themselves... Grix, as usual took control of the situation...
" RIGHT everyone " he shouted
" You may have heard that building is an army camp... well it's not. It's the shop that we flew all this way for. Now we're going to embark on a bigger adventure, I'm not sure where though. So buy as many things as you can "
" Small problem Grix, we don't have any money " said Stryke, looking like his usual smuggy wuggly ness
" No problemo " replied a sly looking Goatboy. I'll see my diamond nipple rings.
So the group walked towards Tesco...
" I'm going to buy some nice rolls and a pineapple " said Sheepy with a grin.
" Well... nice to meet you " said Meka. " Would you like to join us? we're on an adventure, I think".
" Yes, that would be nice " said FM as he stubbed out his fag
" Where's the rest of the army? " said Rasta as he stroked FM's hair. FM looked at Grix slightly puzzled..
" Ignore him, let me introduce you to everyone"
*Introductions etc, now everyone knows everyone*
Unknown to the others - FM was running away from some government people who were trying to make him get a job, although that's not important. The author just wanted to point out FM's jobless-ness.
Rasta was running round Ant humming
HUUUUMMMM I AM A BEE
" Sooooooo " said Meka. " Could I have a fag please? "
FM hands Meka a fag, he lights up and then begins to joke then vomits
" You don't smoke " laughed FM
" No, I thought I'd start, something to get me away from these nutters "
The group stood there for a while having conversations between themselves... Grix, as usual took control of the situation...
" RIGHT everyone " he shouted
" You may have heard that building is an army camp... well it's not. It's the shop that we flew all this way for. Now we're going to embark on a bigger adventure, I'm not sure where though. So buy as many things as you can "
" Small problem Grix, we don't have any money " said Stryke, looking like his usual smuggy wuggly ness
" No problemo " replied a sly looking Goatboy. I'll see my diamond nipple rings.
So the group walked towards Tesco...
" I'm going to buy some nice rolls and a pineapple " said Sheepy with a grin.
"Ant."
"Not you."
"Oh, right."
"Not you."
"Oh, right."
Page: